I miss you love

It's been almost 2 months since we broke up. And it had to end this way. How many times must I repeat myself before I start losing it and yell it into your face? How many times must I explain myself? And must I? Isn't love about understanding? Even when we fight?

I hate you now. I hate the way you make me feel (now); so miserable for doing nothing wrong.

You said you had hope. And just what did you do these 2 months? Did you come looking for me? Were any flowers delivered to me? Did you ask to see me? You don't even ask how I am.

You asked if I'm seeing someone. I said yes. Now come to think of it, why did I even tell you? I should've know better. I should've known you'd react the way you've been for the past 1 month. But I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt. That we would be adult about it.

You asked if I love you. You asked if I missed you. You asked if I still care. You asked all the questions that satisfies your heart. And then you got mad at me for being able to move on faster than you did. Just what did you expect? Wait for you to find someone before I move on?

You asked what if the roles were reversed. Don't you think I have thought about it? Thought about you seeing other people? Thought about you smiling while you're talking to her? Laughing at her wit? Holding her in your arms? Kissing her sweetly? Having it all that I had with you? You don't think I've thought about all that?

If that had happened, what could I have possibly done? I could only stick to my own world and feel sad & miserable. But I would never have done what you've been doing. I would never have taunt you for having found someone else. I would have felt like shit. But I want you happy too.

You say you want me happy. Then what is all these? Why are you threatening to hurt the people I care about? Because of your jealousy? You say whatever you want? And to me? Do you have a heart at all?

Who's to pick me up when I was broken? We broke up. You have no obligations to me. Neither do I have of you. Why are you being so selfish? You couldn't take me for all that I was. You make me deal with my own issues. I accepted that. You know very well yourself what kinda of man you have become. And I have ran out of patience and strength. Now that I'm able to move on, pick myself up, you punish me for it.

I should've change my number. People tell me if I love you enough I wouldn't have moved on this quick. What is this? A competition?

Look beneath:

It was a 3 years relationship. I saw the rest of my life with you. I saw us travelling, and possibly having kids & definatelty puppies. I saw us growing old. I saw us going places. I never saw this. I never saw I'd become so over-bearing. Never saw you'd give me excuses. Never saw that I'd go absolutely psycho because you don't give me one minute of attention.

We broke up. Because we changed. Things changed. We got tired. We couldn't deal anymore. We understood that. I thought you did.

But now I see that whatever it is that I do, it's all my fault. It's always me hurting you. Isn't it?

I would've walked miles for you. I would've done anything for you. Just to be with you. I have. And you know that. You broke my dreams. You broke my heart. I hate my weakness.

My moments of weakness with you is a reminder to me to be better everyday.

Along the way, something nice came along. Something distracted me of my weakness and finally puts a smile to my gloomy face, although it only lasts for awhile, compared to the tiny moments you have given me which can last me through any agonizingly horrendously painful days, it was just nice to have something forgotten again. Something which you forgot to give, which I have been missing for a long time, while we lost ourselves in fights.

Was that so wrong that you have to punish me for it now? So wrong that my love is being judged?

All I want is for someone to guide me through. And I thought it will always be you. You had that strength which I need. You were my everything. But you lost yourself as well.

And now you wouldn't even give me space to find my own happiness on my own, in my own ways. You kept judging me. In your eyes, I will always be that weak, that selfish. But amidst your judging, you forgot you made mistakes too. And I don't even blame you for it anymore.

I never thought I'd want you out of my life but I do. I cannot bear any more of you.

You make me want to be alone.

Am I ever gonna step out again?

In the name of Christmas

The year has been quite a ride. All the tears and laughter. I feel down most of the time. Usually when I'm alone. Thank God for my family and my girlies, they've made life less over-bearing. I 'm not sure what I'm trying to get at here. I'm feeling nostalgic. I miss alotta old routines. But inevitable that things change. Life goes on. No matter how hard I've tried to adapt. It's still hard. But thank God for the selected few who are close to heart. I don't want to die for them. I want to kill for them. I want to be there whenever they need me. Like how I need them. Inspire them, like how they've inspired me. This overwhelming love for these few is unspeakable. Not because it's hard. Saying them makes it sounds frivalous. But I'd say it anyway. So they know. And when the time comes, I'll prove it. I hope I have. And I'll never stop. I love all of you. Those dear to my hearts. You know who you are. I believe I've made it very clear. I've come to yet another turning point in my life. Nothing is predictable anymore. I'm not really on guard. And it scares me. Yet the adrenaline makes up for the strength to help me move on. To help myself, and help others. Merry Christmas to my favourite family, my favourite girls & boys. Merry Christmas to new friendships. Merry Christmas to Grandma. Marry Christmas to friends who've helped. Merry Christmas to my one and only. Merry Christmas to new beginnings. Merry Christmas to memories. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Sick Puppies - All The Same

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long as you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

*******************************

Within this song, I feel like I'm more of the second-person.

So if I take you for who you are, will you take me for everything?

I'm hoping...

I think I'm just tired...

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone...ohh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must have crossed you said

You don't know me
You don't even care
Oooh yea
And she said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains
Oooh yea

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field
When the flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said you don't know me, and you don't even care
Oooh yea
Seh said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains
Oooh yea

She said I think I'm going to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start over
No one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly them out to Spain

I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sun rise
I'm tired of the sunset
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
Oooh yea

You don't know me
You don't even care
Oooh yea

In Boston, no one knows my name
Yeaaa
No one knows my name
No one knows my name

In Boston no one knows my name

Augustana - Boston

Bambie

She did it. She's got her head shaved. She gave up part of our humane identity, our hair, to give hope to children with cancer.

Everytime I think about it I feel this overwhelming admiration for Bambie. So much so that I could cry. Tears for her courage. Tears for her generous warming heart. Tears for myself, for I'm ashamed to even think that I'm scared to do what she did.

No gifts in the world can compare to the gift she has given to the kids who needs it; hope.

SIMS 2

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead man's chest was one helluva long movie! And I got a little confused coming to the end. That's when I was told that there'll be a part three. Yay!

Seeing Johnny Depp in his essentric role as Jack Sparrow makes me wanna see Edward's scissors hands again. Saw it once when I was a child, I couldn't remember much except for this white face, messy jet black hair, and of course his scissors hands.

Hoodwinked was a good laugh too. It's rated G but somehow it feels like it's more for adults. There's just some things that I don't think a 5 year old will understand. Maybe except for a kid like Isabelle. Quoting Ruth, "She's five, going forty."

Isabelle thinks her dad is a 'forcer', because she wanted to eat something, but her dad said no and gave her something else instead. She told her nani that she went to the Night Safari and saw men in underwears. FYI, these men were some tribal dance performers. It could've got her nani wondering where in the world did we bring this kid. Isabelle also got annoyed with the hostess of the Creatures of the night show. She said, "Why is she talking to us like we're children?"

She is also the kid-DO, who told her Aunty Ruth, while holding Ruth's face & said matter-of-factly, "Aunty Ruth, you're very pretty you know, but why no men want?"

I was very amused/amazed with this kid. Still am in fact. I don't think I'd ever stop being amused/amazed. I love how straight-up she is, no baits. But I'm not sure if I can deal if I have a kid like Isabelle. I mean, where is the innocence of a child?! Wait a minute, what am I saying, she IS innocent!

We should be ashamed of ourselves. By 'we' I meant, US, ADULTS. Tsk tsk tsk.

I was SIM-ING full time the last weekend. Except for the periodically disruptions from my sisters. Only, the disruptions didn't last any longer than 2 periods of 45 minutes. I'm still boss.

Okay it's Monday, and both my bosses are on their way outta town, and I'm bored. I'm getting out of work in about 1 hours time. I CAN'T WAIT.

Did I mention I only have $10 left for the next 2 days till I get paid. My poorest record.

Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire

Love is a burning thing
And it makes a firery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire

I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down down down
And the flames went higher
And it burns burns burns
The ring of fire
The ring of fire

The taste of love is sweet
When hearts like our’s meet
I fell for you like a child
Oh, the fire went wild

I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down down down
And the flames went higher
And it burns burns burns
The ring of fire
The ring of fire

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’m had nasi pandang for lunch; big chicken drumstick, fried egg, vegetables (only touched a third of it), fishball soup. Then the 3 of us (me, M.Lady & Sheils) headed for Cedele for dessert. We shared a pavlova & a slice of cake (can’t remember what cake), not chocolate cake, cos I only had a few bites.

I’m so full!

Then I had a slice of cheesecake from Hilton’s for tea, cos it’s a colleague’s birthday.

Now I’m stuffed.

I wonder if I’ll eat somemore if someone shoves Boon Tong Kee’s chicken rice in my face…

Weekend was nice. Cuzzie’s couzin’s friend from South Africa was in town for vacation for a couple of days.

We brought him for lunch at Pasta Fresca cos he missed Italian food. According to Quint, spags in China, is like cooked instant noodles & tomato sauce slapped over it. FYI, he’s been working in China for the past 1 year.

The girls brought him out to party that night. I couldn’t go cos I was broke. Didn’t exactly feel like partying anyway. I’m getting old…

Saturday was the day, I had Boon Tong Kee’s chicken. Of course we couldn’t leave Quint out of the experience so we packed it back for him back at M.Lady’s (where he’e been putting up) & he loves it!

That Saturday night we brought him to the Night Safari (winner of many Tourism awards http://www.nightsafari.com.sg/about/awards.htm) before we sent him off for his flight to Zimbabwe at 0215hours, which was delayed for 4 hours, which apparently was no surprise. Delay for flights to & fro Zimbabwe was almost expected. Record delay so far is 38 hours. 4 hours according to Quint, is nothing.

Quint’s been great. He’s open-minded & he’s got so much to share with his travelling experience. It was a little sad he had to go so soon. Oh he’ll be back for the chilli crabs.

Met up with the girlies for MOS Burger at Bugis. I was hoping to have chicken rice for dinner again, but the girlies refused. They think it’s bad for me & they’re controlling my obsession for chicken rice. I ended up with a chicken rice burger anyway. Next time I’m getting a Tsukune Rice Burger; never. I’d rather pay more for sushi than eat that salty, chickeny shit again.

Peach made a photo montage album for Rex. The girl’s so creative, she should’ve kept that album as part of her portfolio. Prissy left early to go meet Earnie. So Peach, Bambie, Wend & I launched into mini games of Ting Xie (Chinese Spelling) and Zhao Ju (Sentence Construction).

It amazes me how I know how to write Chinese. Thousands of different Chinese characters and there we were, whipping the strikes & the strokes, messing them all up of course. After leaving school who gives a shit about writing Chinese anyway.

It was a nice Monday blue.

Breather

Sigh... finally... I'm slacking. For now.

Saw Rock Star Supernova last night. I don't know why I didn't bother with Rock Star INXS before.

Saw Re-Cycle also. First Chinese movie in a loooong time. It was freaky, at first. Then it got to a point when it got dreadful, then it became hilarious. *Spoilers ahead, highlight to see*

It's about this female novelist, starting on her new fiction novel, based on the supernatural. As she writes her first few sentences, describing her female character (tall, weird height, long hair), she ran outta inspiration & stopped, & then realized that her character had came to life, haunting her like a splitting shadow in her own home. Whenever her phone rang, she hears low moaning within the noisey static on the other end of the line, and then, sounding like a electronic toy doll, "ma-ma..".

And to confirm her theory that she's not just being an imaginative psycho, she continues to write (inspiration coming from the scares she's been getting from the constant shadow swishing & swooshing behind her & the bad reception phone calls). How she figured her character came to life, was when she found strands of hair, much longer than hers in her house, beside the kitchen sink & in the shower, where the shower tap was turned on, on it's own.

She wrote "She enters the lift & pressed for the 10th floor. The lift stopped at 7th, & the door opens."

She went out of her house to take the lift down, from the 10th floor. The lift descended, & stopped at 7th. The lift opened, she stepped aside, expecting someone to hop on board, but there was only the long dark stretch of the corridor. She pressed for the lift door to close, but the door opened halfway, as if there was something in between the lift door to keep it open when it tries to close.

Suddenly out of nowhere, a child & her granny appeared, they got on board, the lift continued down to the ground floor, she got out, and then she heard the granny called out to her grandchild whose skipped out of the lift already, "Come back... it's not our floor... there is still one more level down..." The kid skipped back, and they sank, into the lift.

She freaked, and ran out of the building, only, to discovered that the familiar street has turned into a war zone. Buildings are rustic & coming apart. Suddenly, a body falls from above infront of her. The next few seconds, tons of bodies fell, from either the building, or from the sky (pfff). The bodies laid down, twitching, writhing, and then they got up & started to chase her. That was when she saw her female character she created for her story. Long hair, slender & tall which kinda makes her look werid, pointing a finger & floating towards her.

She ran. Of course. Ended up in a huge land, or ruins. Met an old man (yes a human being) who told her that this is the World of the Abandoned. Everything that's abandoned will end up in that world. Anything from toys, aborted babies, ideas; ideas you created & scrapped, which explains the faceless character chasing the author if you didn't get it by now.

If this movie sounded promising so far, I would totally agree. Untill the second part.

So to cut the story short, the author has to make her way out of this space. Met this kid, who helped guided the author through moshpits of zombies & dead babies (well they're not exactly dead, they're just reincarnated in a way, in this junky world), who at the end of the journey, she reveals that she's the author's daughter, whom she aborted 8 years ago.

They've bonded through the journey, and of course, she couldn't possibly leave her daughter. But the kid couldn't go with her mom, not out of this world because she is, techinically, dead.

So here's the dreadful part. Suddenly, thaousands of zombies started to fall off the sky again, and for some reason they're going for the author. As they got closer, the zombies halted, as if time came to a stand still, and they started to dissipate.

Computer work comes into play here. Pixels of the zombies are dissipating and, it took almost 3 minutes to dissipate them all. I know it's alotta zombies. But comon. Weren't techonogy there to speed things up?! The author starts to get sucked into a ball of dissipated zombies, and that took another 3 minutes. Imagine, 3 minutes of watching something dissipate. I started laughing. I mean, come on already!!!

So back to the story. The author goes back to the real world, waking up with a start on her bed, sweating and all. And here, I cursed that it better not end as if it's all a dream. That would've been such a cheap shot! So she woke up and heard something swooshed past behind her. She walked out of her bedroom into her living room, before she saw anything, she heard a voice, her own voice, talking to someone on the phone, to Sandy, her friend.

"Sandy ah, I decided not to write on the supernatural story, I figured there's too much of me in the story, too personal... so I scrapped it, and I'm writing a sequel to that romance novel..."

She came face to face with herself, both got a shock, of course, and the phone starting ringing, and the voice machine picked up, and they hear static at the other end of the line. The End.

Yeap. That was the end. Get it?

Random Thoughts

over the past 1 month...

I didn't realize how stubbon I was (am). I had this bad stitch-like pain, like I sprained my side, so bad I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I stood as still as I could, tried to walk back from the bathroom to the bedroom as fast as I could (5cm step every 5mins) for almost 15 mins. I took about another 10 mins to get dressed, & finally, agonizing for the longest time, settled onto the bed, about half an hour plus later. The first 3 mins (and therafter) that I was in pain, Puppy offerred me pain killers, I refused to take, because first of all, I detest taking pills, & second of all, I thought it'd go away soon enough. Usually, when this happens, it only lasts no more then 2 mins (or so I thought...)

And he said, "You're THIS stubbon ah..." I was still in pain when I finally settled onto the bed. I still didn't take the pain killers.

G's going out with a man 7 years her senior, & I don't like it, & she knows it. Had a big argument about it. I still don't like it. I don't understand why can't she just date boys her age. She can wait another 10 years & she can date whoever she wants. Well, this I'm not sure, but now, I just don't feel she's in safe hands. Given, that I don't know him, & who the hell is he for me to know anyway. He's seeing my sister, if anything, he should know ME. And from the way I see it, I'm not impressed.

I don't know if they're still seeing each other. I haven't said a word about since that night's argument. I just pray that she knows what she's doing. I'd break his limbs if he tries anything stupid.

Been having this dull headache. My ankle felt sprained, I can't even remember if I sprained it. I've got a bruise on my left hand, I don't know where I knocked into. My appetite seems to be getting bad. I don't seem to crave for anything for the past 2 weeks. Once or twice I've craved for chicken rice (in these past 2 weeks). I had cereals for dinner. Went running last Friday (I think) after months of not exercising. Haven't been sleeping fine for the past 5 days. Had a good sleep last night (finally), but I'm sitting here feeling sleepy. Oh I had the best coffee (it's bitter sourish with a tinge of gold sugaring) at Pasta Fresca @ Boat Quay at lunch yesterday. For the first time coffee kept me awake. I was energized. I should've asked what coffee it was.

World Cup is almost over. And I've been tempted to bet. Tested my gut feelings on a few matches, they don't seem quite accurate.

I'm tired of being involved. My memory is failing me.

Current read: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes, courtesy of M.Lady. I'm not done. I just started. So I can't say much, but it's a must read. Makes my hair stands...

When she loves you...

When a GIRL is quiet, Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing, She is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions, She is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you, She is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday, She wants to be pampered.

When a GIRL says I love you, She means it.

When a GIRL says "I miss you", No one in this world can miss you more than that.

Concerned Artist

Concerned Artist

Lifehouse - Hanging by the moment

Desperate for changing
Starving for the truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here untill you make me move
I'm hanging by the moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here untill you make me move
I'm hanging by the moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by the moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for the truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here untill you make me move
I'm hanging by the moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by the moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you

Lifehouse - Everything

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace
Again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could ot be
Any better then this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better then this

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this...

Hostel

It is that sick, twisted idea that's been disturbing me since Labour Day.

It is the idea of paying a good sum of money, to torture horny, careless victims to death.

... to death.

Quentin Tarantino is the first to make me feel sick to my stomach after watching a movie.

I'm not sure if my headache, throbbing on the right side of my lower head, to this cramp on my neck, to my aching shoulder is the aftermath of an extremely distressful thought, which I have to make an extra effort to keep my mind off of.

Dear Lord... their screams...

Nostalgia

Been thinking about alot of things these few days...

Things that used to be so familiar....

It's funny how you miss things that you've become used to, that no longer is a routine.

I'm used to having my sisters and mom always around (to go home to), getting on my nerves alot of the time. But at the same time I know I'd risk my life to protect them in a heart beat. Now I'm over at pup's alot. Sister G & S kinda have their own things going on. Mom & Dad are like best friends now and I'm not talking to Dad, which kinda puts me off going home as often as I want to (for mom).

I'm used to making annual trips to Seremban for long holidays, visit Grams and Grandpa, have a hell lotta fun with my cousins. Now I've got work commitments, I only get to go visit them over weekends when I can afford to, cousins are all grown up, we're still close, but it's different as when we were young where we'd be literally be running about alot. Grams no longer around & I wonder how Grandpa's doing.

Things that used to upset me...

Fights mom and dad had, puppy's past relationships....

I'm not sure what exactly triggered me off... Menstration would be a cliche excuse...

Perhaps it was after the talk with Angel about this recent course she went through. One of the excercise was to unleashed past unhappiness. I'm assuming from these certain unhappiness were events where you would do something about it, but you couldn't back then because of certain consequences you were aware of.

I told Angel it's not an easy thing to do, she said it's not, but if you put yourself into that state, you will remember.

I challenged myself and tried at the moment (silly of me), but I couldn't really remember anything in precise. I'm aware. But I can't remember no matter how hard I tried.

Throughout the day, I thought about it. Wasn't sure if I did it out of challenging myself, or I just subconciously want to remember. And truely, they all came seeping back. All the disappointment (with myself), the sadness, expecially anger.

Strangely, most of it, were the past involving me and pups. It has only been 2 years plus, and thinking about our past seemed like so long ago. I started to feel sick thinking about how upset I was with the things he had said and done. I couldn't seem to stop. The more I thought, the angerier I got. I should've been over it. And I'm not sure whether I want to be angry, or really, it's just PMS.

And if I wanted to be angry, why? I would think by now, whatever's got me upset before, I would have been over it by now. But I guess, it's not about whether I've gotten over it or not. It's over when you stopped thinking about it. But somewhere along life, circumstances triggers a certain hurt. A scar which will never go away.

I think that's what it is. I've been scarred. That's all.

I remember how I always get choked with emotions. Whether I'm happy, or sad, or angry. I didn't know how to express them right.

I remember when my aunt died in a gas explosion (dad's younger sister). I was 13, and while I understood death, I was aware that there was a slight tinge of sadness because I know I will never see her again, but I'm not devastated, like how dad expected me to be. Why would he? Well basically, he had put it to my head that, when someone in the family dies, you should be devastated.

I remember feeling weird about it when he said that. A sort of anger. I couldn't explain it back then. But I understand now what it was.

I was angry because I know what I feel. I don't have to be told what to feel. I was sad, yes. But I was not close to her, enough to wail. But because I couldn't access this back then, I thought it was wrong not to feel that sense of pain of loss. So I forced myself to feel the pain and loss, and I cried, like I lost someone close, it was all made up in my head. She was a nice person, but I didn't know her. I didn't know what she did, what's her favourite color, her favorite food, where she lived. The hell was I crying for?!

Because of how I was restrained from thinking what I want to think, I stopped talking. At one point of time I stopped thinking and became stupid. Really. I don't know if it's laziness, or rejection. I was given the impression that I think rubbish. It's almost as if whatever I say, or thought, is wrong. Mom & Dad didn't do as much as restraining my thoughts and ideas as school did.

Singapore has the most efficient, most stupid education system ever. Those who rebelled during school grew up smarter/wittier than most PSLE or 'O' Level qualifiers. They grew up NORMAL.

Even at this age, I'm still struggling to talk properly. I think I've been doing fine. Once in awhile I go gibberish still.

Oh well.

I've been asked to go for an interview for docent volunteering. I'm having this mix feelings. I'm excited, and a little apprehensive about it because if I could go straight for zookeeping (volunteer), I wouldn't wanna waste my time with the docent volunteering. There's nothing official about the zookeeping, but I'm hoping this docent volunteering is just a milestone.

I'm excited. For now.

Tagged

1. Tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. To mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments.

The Perfect Lover
1. Sexual
2. Adventurous
3. Witty/Funny/Smart
4. Confident
5. Hot/Charming
7. Tall
8. Brunettes prefered. Blondes may apply.

Sex of Target
Male, Female.

Tagged Victims
Whoever sees this post.
Don't try to get away now.
God is watching.
And Satan is waiting.

Brokeback Mountain

I'm in love with Heath Ledger... and I'm looking at Jake Gyllenhaal different since.

Something in me shifted... no... more like... ressurected...?

Been feeling rather nostalgic since I saw the movie.

This nostagia is as bitter-sweet as it's supposed to be. It seems to get stronger everyday. Yearning to fantasize like how I did before(?) But of course, it was not all fantasy. Part of it were influenced by reality; Granted, I was immature then. But these intensity of emotions were real.

I can't seem to put them anymore into words...

I can't stop thinking about Brokeback Mountain...

Shallow-nessly Immature

Alot's been going through my head with regards to this post's title. I'm affected a great deal yes. Disspointed, angry, even betrayed perhaps (of trust/faith). But life goes on. I can't really say much. I'm not sure where to start. I'm not exactly over it.

Year 2006

Too much of shits been going on since the last time I blogged. I'm not sure if I can remember them all. Or even want to.

Grams gone to heaven. It is a tremendous loss to all of us - the grandchildren, the daughters, and the in-laws, especially Grandpa. I've never seen Mom break down like that as we all took one last look and said our last goodbyes to Grams. Seeing Mom broke down like that breaks me and I couldn't bear to look at her; I felt like I was gonna lose control of myself, and I can't let it happen.

Granpa's been holding out, till the day the casket had to be brought out to church; he cried. I felt his pain and I started to welled up again. I hate crying. It makes my eyes swell.

I miss Grandma. I miss her presence. I only see her on average twice a year. But it's always been comforting knowing she's still there, waiting for us to come visit and never fail to welcome us with a smile.

Yes. That smile. I never realized she's almost always smiling. Untill a friend of hers, a pastor, who was giving her memorial speech, mentioned how Grams is always smiling. Another male pastor, a friend of Grams too, said how Grams would always be calling to him loudly. And smiling.

It's a huge comfort to us all that she's going to Heaven. But at the same time I can't help be pissed that she has to go dying of stomach cancer, at 68. I'd always thought she'd die of old age.

Grams was the most generous, loudest and simply the most beautiful soul I have ever known my whole life. She is respected and loved by many. I hope she is happy where she is right now, and I pray I'll see her again.

A couple of weeks after, it was Christmas. We all gathered at Grandpa's, celebrated Christmas like how we do it almost every year. I went to Church (in a LONG time) with my aunts and cousins. Mom cooked a great deal of dishes. The cousins barbequed. It was one of best Christmas. There were more presents this year.

I love my cousins. They're just so funny, so full of crap, and so real.

Then it was new year. I made a silent resolution not to be late for work ever again. It may seemed a little far fetched for me, but I'm trying. I really am. And with the new year, I've decided to commit to this job. So I'm gonna have to talk to B.Boss soon.

Puppy and I have been going on stronger than before. I don't wanna say much. There's always the little tiffs. I love him with all my heart and soul and I'm scared to imagine what life would be without him.

I am also grateful to alot of people whom I've crossed paths with, and some, still walking down the same path with me. Each and everyone of these few favourites has inspired every inch of my being, keeping me optimistic about life.

I'm glad Mom's happy. I'm glad my sisters are growing up well and doing the things they like doing.

I don't show love the way others would like to see it. Sometimes I just don't know how. But by the little gestures, I hope they know, that I have them in my heart and mind.

Happy New Year everyone.

Happy New Year Gramma.

My Chemical Romance - Helena

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are, so far, from, you.

Burrrrning uuuup
Just like a match, you strike to incinerate
The lives, of everyone, you know...

And what's the worrrst you take...
With every hearrrt you break...
And like a blade you stain...
Well I've been hoolllding ooon tonight...

What's the worst that I can saaay
Things are better if I stay...
So looong, and goodnight...
So looong not goodniiight...

Caaaame a time...
When every starrrr falls
Brought you to tears again...
We arrrre the very hurrrrt youuu soooold...

And what's the worrrst youuu taaake...
From every hearrrt youuu breeaak...
And like a blaaade youuu staaaaiiin...
Well I've been hooolding oooonn tonight...

What's the worrst that I can say...
Things are better if I stay...
So long... and goodnight...
So long... not goodnight...

Well if you carry on this way...
Things are better if I stay...
So long... and goodnight...
So long... not goodnight...

Can... you... hear... me...
Are... you... near... me...
Can we... pretend... to leave... and then...
We'd meet... again...
When both... our carrrrs collide...

What's the worst that I can saaayyy
Things are better if I stayyyy
So looong and goodnight...
So looong not goodnight...

Well if you carry on this way...
Things are better if I stay...
So long... and goodnight...
So long not goodnight...

Grams not gonna make it to Christmas..............

Awareness

I'm so used to working so much for the past few weeks, that even when I took my time out to slack, surf net, within 5 minutes, I actually feel like going back to work. Psycho!

Been busy with the hunting, moving, shifting, cleaning, and still cleaning up the house; Puppy's and Angel's very own crib.

It's looking better with every effort put in to make it... tidier.

I'm very much aware of death right now. I mean, right at this very moment. Really. So aware it feels like death is staring right into my face.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt puppy died; I was stumped. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore, and when I woke, I hadn't realized it's only a dream.

I knew fully well that he was out in the field at that point of time. There was no way of contacting him to make sure he was okay. Then I started to doubt if the dream was indeed a dream.

It was only hours after, that the surreality (I made this up) faded, that I've finally managed to break through and told myself it's only a dream.

But I am still very much of aware of death. Very much more so for others (those who matters) than for my own.

I cannot possibly imagine how I could go on living if others were to... @#$%^&*

When I finally saw puppy yesterday, the surreality came seeping back. I touched his arm, grabbed him tight and kept my eyes on him, just to make sure he doesn't fade away.

I know it sounds crazy. I can't put it anymore in words how it felt, to actually have been convinced (by the dream) that he doesn't exist (anymore); thinking about it right now, sends a sense of extremely painful loss... through my entire soul. Like a bad orgasm.

Sure I've had thoughts about death of others. I've always understood that death is part of life. But I never thought I'd be this unprepared; The older you are, the closer you are to facing death; Yours, and others.

I'm not sure what to think of it anymore. I'm just hoping that this feeling will go away.

Before I forget... (7th October)

I remember meeting Puppy at the Orchard station... I remember walking around Isetan trying to find Revlon section again and again... I remember the puffer fish nesting itself in a comfy spot in the aquarium in Wisma Atria... I remember meeting Princess & Mr F and TL at Far East... I remember Puppy going to meet Jer at Tattoo first... I remember going to the food section scouting around for seats... Yes I remember being hungry...

I remember ordering some kinda kampung fried rice with poached egg... I remember regretting ordering it because TL got a better choice (sambal friend rice)... I remember not finishing the fried rice because of (1) TL's got a better choice and (2) I was getting pretty filled up with mine... I remember Princess getting greedy and dropped a fishball (stolen from Mr F) onto the table and wouldn't give it up because she insist the table is clean...*lol*

I remember opening one out of the 3 gifts (a box of chocolates, B.U.M wallet, just what I needed! and...) Princess and Mr F presented me a metal-studs-leather pendent choker... and feeling :D

I remember Gale texting me to hurry because she's hungry (she's standing by at Tattoo just in case any of my friends shows up)... I remember still taking my time with dinner >7

I remember going to the ladies, got changed, did my make up... I remember Puppy texting me that Jer's gone off... I remember Gale texting she's hungry (again)... I remember getting nerve wreacked (I'm taking too long to get ready)... I remember dreading to make my way to Scott's to draw some money... I remember making my way back to Far East...and finally, Tattoo.

I remember seeing my girls (Amb, Peach, Wend, Pris) and their boys (Des, Yao). I remember them all wearing black exceptDes (-_-) I remember getting excited. The night just started...

I remember apologizing to Puppy cos I took so long to get ready and left him on his own for quite some time. I remember Puppy assurring me it's okay. I remember feeling more chilled.

I remember Delisha and Kusom arrived awhile later, bearing a gift (a small pretty red pouch, with a crescent-jewelled choker, my jaw dropped at it's scarlet beauty). I remember how I've asked where they had came from (work) and feeling happy they managed to make it :)

I remember settling Princess, Mr F and TL down. I remember saying hi to Vic (?) when Gale told me I could order drinks through him.

I remember downing a flaming sambooka/lambogini (?), 2 shots tequila one after another (something I never thought I could do)... a birthday treat on the house (Tattoo).

I remember receiving a chalkboard-birthday message from my girls =...) Comes with a pack of chalks and duster! And a new bag (needed a new bag!) =D

I remember noticing Peach and Pris cut their hair. Very nice girls!

I remember M.Lady, Foizz, Shasha, Mel walked into Tattoo with litted cake (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I remember squealing...

I remember grinning so wide as they sang "Happy Birthday to me". I remember seeing Princess being happy for me seeing how happy I was =) I remember wanting to cut the cake before I blew out the candles until someone said "Make a wish!" I did... a long one till Shasha said "Make a wish not pray!"... Lol...

I wished for... NOT GONNA TELL! Cos I want it to come true... =) I'll give a clue... it's a simple wish and starts with the letter "H".

I remember puppy planting a kiss on my forehead...

I remember Hiro came with a Switchfoot CD. I've heard it. It's beautiful. Thank you.

I remember getting M.Lady to take pictures of me and my girls, of me and Delisha and Kusom, of me and Princess and Mr F and TL and Ed and HX. Oh yes Ed and HX came later. Memory is becoming a little blur here because of the shots and on top of that, mugs of beer.

Ed and HX got me a 4-leave Clover pendent chain. I heard it's good luck if you find a 4-leave Clover because Clovers are usually 3 leaves =.../

Took pictures with puppy and Foizz too...

I remember Tattoo bartenders being so nice...

I remember Les and QX came with a packet of gold hongbao :) I remember catching up with them on their lives after graduation... NS... what else is there.

I remember sitting with Princess and telling her who's who...

I remember taking more pictures with my girls...

I remember squealing when Hari and DD arrived (!!!!!!!!!)... then Dhilip came after~ Or was it the other way round...

I remember squealing somemore when Hari said "The one who works at loyang... what's her name? Yea she's hot." *LMAO*

I remember talking to Yao... about Chelsea thrashing Liverpool... *YAY*

I remember Tattoo playing James Blunt's You're Beautiful...

I remember Angel came despite her ear infection... *sayang*

I remember VJ came after bearing Cacao's Origin (chocolates from Venezuela, Trinidad, and Sto. Domingo)... I think I'm gonna take another one now...

Mmmm... Took Venezuela's. It's supposed to be sensual but I'm just feeling high on chocs!

I remember puppy checking on me once in awhile. I was getting high. I remember trying to walk a straight line outside the pub... guidelines from the floor... kept my feet on the lines... but kept leaning to my right... I wasn't drunk. High. I consider myself drunk when I start to puke.

I remember Delisha and Kusom had to go cos they've got work in the morning the next day. I remember regretting not having to introduced them to Princess and my girls...

I remember Princess and Mr F had to go...

I remember Ed and HX had to go...

I remember Les and QX and TL had to go...

I remember the girls had to go... getting late... I remember telling'em I'm so proud to call them my friends... I remember meaning it...

I remember wishing Rekh and D were there...

I remember Gale made VJ and M.Lady wear trash bag cos they didn't wear black... I remember taking pictures with all of them... I remember taking pics with puppy...I remember taking pics with the leftover girls... I remember a picture was taken for the left over boys... I remember M.Lady trying to slot herself into the the boys-only picture... Angel waving the trashbag... (-___-)

I remember having a blast...

I remember puking after everyone left Tattoo (closing time)... Drunk.

I remember feeling bad cos Hari and DD stayed the night for me but I had to go back cos I was puking.. alot...

I remember how thankful I am for puppy... for taking care of me...

I remember telling myself, the party wasn't a bad idea, AT ALL.

Thank you sister.

Obessesed with Black

I want my office phone to be black.
I want the cheques I sort every working day to be black.
I want my hair to be jet black.
I want office desk black.
I want my desk calendar black.
I want my notepads black.
I want my office computer black.
I want the office wall black.
I want the office floor black.
I want the sky black.
I want my eyes black (they're dark brown).
I want my keyboard black.
I want a black brush.
I want everything black, someone once told me, "even your boyfriend is 'black'".

Prince of Persia

I am absolutely, totally, immensely, crazily, ruthlessly, psychotic-ly OBSESSED with the game.

It is one of the most amazingly breathtaking game I have ever, ever played.

I'd post some really gorgeous screenshots but this stupid NT Window refused to let me. Besides, just looking at the screenshots won't have you understand just how... how... speechless it has made me. You gotta experience it for yourself.

Prince of Persia Triglogy is coming to an end with the not-so-soon release *WAILS* of Prince of Persia 3: The Two Thrones. It is said to be released in December 2005... or 2006 *CRY*

Puppy and I have played Prince of Persia: Warrior Within twice, because there is a secret alternate ending which I have been dying to see when I found out its existance. (After being deprived for sometime, I had to surf the net to quench my desire for more POP, checking out screenshots, reading reviews, surfed for secrets & viola!).

No one will understand how obsessed I am... I'd play back the path the Prince took in my head... hum the soundtracks from POP: Warrior Within.. (Godsmack is good shit, although I've only had 2 tracks so far, heh).

http://www.princeofpersiagame.com

Beware of deprivation once you start.

Oh my god I'm a geek!

And your cry baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

It has been 2 weeks plus since puppy's 22nd birthday. Mrs Darls got him another ipod, to replace the one he lost couple of months ago, also from Mrs Darls, for his 21st birthday. Ever since, puppy has been feeling terribly guilty of losing it. Took him some time to get over it. Of course he's just as excited and grateful about RockBox II.

Theme for the party was Rock n Roll, of course. Perfect for me, cos it's the only costume I'd ever look good in. Party by the pool, great music, great food, great people, great stories about ball bearings in penises (pain for the boys, pleasure for the girls), freaky shots (Benny captured an annonymous face while taking a pic for Angel, Soldier R and S) which led to more ghosts stories, and somehow leading to football debates among a Chelsea fan, 2 Arsenal fans, 1 Man United fan, and 1 Liverpool fan, and well, okay, and 1 more Chelsea supporter. What to do. It is the only team you get exposed to and influenced when you know nothing about football and your boyfriend's an ardent blue.

But for the record, I have learnt a thing or two about football. Well, at least for English football. It's not just about 11 men running after a silly ball. It's passion, skills, and of course, cute boys and handsome manager. Yeap, as far as I can see, Chelsea has them all. And I'm satisfied. Not an ardent blues, but satisfied.

Guess who's my favourite Chelsea player *grins*

And then there's the fight. Yeap there's always the fight. What can I say. We are different people. We have our opinions and views on how to live your mundane life and of course, relationships. I can't really say much, only, that this time it has taken a huge toll on me and of course on puppy as well. The screaming and the sobbing and wailing and more sobbing is over. For now.

I prayed and prayed. At least I got my peace of mind. I know what I want, how I want it. And that, I will get. Doesn't mean I don't care anymore.On the contrary, I cared too much before. It's time I take care of myself since, well, no one else can and the fact that I've always believe in independence, physically and emotionally. I know. Human can't help be dependent. But I'm gonna make it less of a hassel for me. And hell, I'm ony turning 21! Gawd I feel old.

Went to the beach with the girls last weekend, despite the horrendous weather and teenage crowd (stupid kids who doesn't know any better than wearing bikinis with obvious fats hanging out and acting like she's hot), it was relaxing to just lie in the sun (for a less than half an hour in between when the dark clouds loomed in before the sun finally settled and I got slightly tanned, yay!), soaked in the cool clean sea water, stuff our faces and ultimately, a relaxing time with the girls. I would like to do this as often. I wished for puppy to be there with me, but his job is taking a toll (by the time weekend comes...) and he's tanned enough and I've given up planning trips to the beach only to be disappointed in the end, not that I have a choice.

Being there with the girls is just as satisfying. I couldn't have taken my first step to wearing a bikini if it weren't for them.

Let's see, next outdoor trip... will only be jogs around the park down my block because I am god damn fucking broke even after pay day. Been skipping work too many times this month, not gonna get paid as much as I should. Working part time sucks.

Then there's the 2nd year anniversary. Fuck.

Wrath

I was just thinking last night, about the things I regret not doing.

This happened years ago when I was around 14. Me and family (yes including Dad, at that point of time things weren't as hectic as it got later on), went to GV Yishun to catch a movie. Sitting behind mom was an old couple, around 30s - 50s. The man (looking much older and sickly than the woman) was seated directly behind Mom and throughout the movie, he kept kicking at Mom's seat, probably out of habit. Mom told Dad. Dad told the fella nicely, to stop kicking the chair cos it's disturbing. He shouted (yes, in the middle of the movie), something along the line, "What! You own this cinema ah! So what if I'm kicking?! You own this place ah!" Then all the "fuck fuck" came out. I was obviously pissed off that he was disturbing me from enjoying the movie, even more pissed off that he kicked Mom's seat, and totally, boiling that he's screaming at MY dad.

Even though I hated Dad, a part of me had a soft spot for him cos he's my dad. I regretted not screaming at the man for shouting at my dad for the obvious wrong reasons. Because I was worried (gut feeling) he will start on how my parents raised me.

And now thinking about it, I'm even more pissed off with Dad for not beating the crap outta him, but he can beat a woman behind closed doors.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a joke.

Then there was this other time, at Grams, I supposed it was Chinese New Year cos everyone was there. Mom washed Dad's clothes. She forgot to check one of Dad's pant's pockets, it got wet, and there was a tiny notebook (with his client's details) found. I went to Dad, all young and innocent and asked if it was okay, he said to me in Mandarin, "It's wet. I'm gonna scold Mommy later." There I was thinking, you're the one who couldn't possibly have the reponsibility to look after your own things and you wanna fucking blame Mom? And for the record, it wasn't so wet that the book's ruined. It's a delicate work but if done properly, the notebook can be revived.

I went to Mom to check on her. Mom was obviously sorry that she forgot to check the pants, and there were my aunts, telling her how careless she is, that she should've checked, and I got even madder. OF COURSE she can help it. OF COURSE. You forgot. Then you remembered, then you check. Oh hey! It's not wet anymore! What the fuck. I wanted to scream at them to stop blaming Mom and be on Mom's side instead. But I couldn't. Cos Mom brought me up to respect adults.

I love all my aunts. They are a bunch of beautiful souls. I just wished at that point of time they'd been on Mom's side instead.

Now and then, I'd remember inciddents like these and get mad. And although I can't help but think that perhaps it's a good thing I didn't do what I thought I should have, I can't help regretting that I didn't. And it sucks.

There are more incidents like these, I just can't remember it now. These 2 regretful memories haunts me the most.

And if situations arises again, I'm not sure if I'd go around screaming at idiots because I am such that, I always worry about the people (who matters) around me.

XiaXue v.s SPG v.s Pathetic Singaporeans

When you're close to tears remember
Someday it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high

Though it's darker then December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high

And at the end of the day, remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day, remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We'll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Foever, you and me
You will always keep my flying high in the sky
Of love

LightHouse Family - High

************************************

I dedicate this to you too puppy...

'Get a room!' I hear. I'm not gonna stop being sappy as long as I'm in love so bite me.

I forgot how much this song tingles within.

So everyone's heard about the storm that whirled around Sarong Party Girl's ingeniously-brutally-right-smackingly-in-your-shallow-dickheads (pun intended, females included) blogged blog. Judgemental/insecure/pathetic idiots are slamming against this SPG's right to her own fucking opinion.

Opinions don't hurt unless you have issues (stupidity) with yourself.

I'm shocked that Singapore's most infamous blogger, XiaXue, is slamming against another's right. Coming from where she's (xiaxue) coming from (or least from what I have heard); smart (?), witty (?), funny (?), this has totally changed my opinion of her. Not that I've been a fan. But I am, sorry, was amused with some of her posts which I have managed to put in an effort to go to her blog and see what's all the fuss is about.

And there she (xiaxue) is, whining, crying about how people have been emailing mean things to her. It's truely pathetic. I would have been more impressed if she hadn't excused herself with "I am entitled to my own opinion blah blah blah *myeeeeehhhhh*" -- this is how I imagine her cry (which she admitted. stupid or what?) -- Like, hellowwww. Knocking against your own door with your not so filled little head, Snow?

I'm an avid reader of SPG's blog and never have I once hear her slam anyone. It's all about her. Her thoughts, her artwork (photos), her world. It's how a blog should be.

Where as for Stupid Snow, she feeds on popularity voicing her cynism on every little tiny thing and she crossed the line with conciously casually commenting on SPG's tities on the papers. Tsk tsk. Typical Singaporean. Stupid (picking on the wrong element to invoke your cynicsm on) and cannot mind their own business.

Posting nude pictures of yourself isn't what the bible, the kuran, or whatever religious script exists in the world would approve of, but at least SPG is honest with herself; She saw no need to slam how disgustingly pink XiaXue's blog is, how thick the layers of make up piled on that, face. She may be contradictive, which is totally forgivable; God's intention.

As far as I am concern, XiaXue deserves all the slamming she's getting now. 3 folds I'm sure. And I would like to email her my opinion, but I figured she's getting enough of it and who cares about my 2cents worth anyway.

She also mentioned something about how supportive her family and friends are with all these shit that's going on, I wonder how. I'd be damn dissapointed if my daughter did what she did and come crying about it. I'd pretend to sympathize if she's a friend.

As for SPG, she has my sympathy. Even more when I heard that the media are blaming her parents for bringing her up this way.

Like all of you are any holier.

Then I was reminded, that these, are tabloids. Not news. Tabloids.

We can't stop judging. It's human nature to judge. Anyone tells you to not judge, spit in their face and smile and say, don't judge that.

What went wrong with all these judging shit, is crossing the line. Judge, to a certain extend. Judge the SPG for flaunting her nudity. Judge her on her view on sex and money. But don't fucking judge her parents for bringing her up the way she is when she is fucking 20 years old. She obviously doesn't need her parents to hold her hands and teach her how to click on a mouse anymore.

Don't judge anything that doesn't hurt. In another words, don't be stupid. But I understand if you can't help your shal-low esteem.

Tsk.

Stupid.

Choked with disappointments

Oh my god... Could the time fly ANY slower.

I'm choked, hurt (dammit), disppointed (whatever), cold (in every sense of the word), bored (with work), busy (with everything else), sad, relieved (my god), faithles, hopeful (for nothing), mad, upset, cynical, skeptical, paranoid (everything just makes so much sense now?), smart (huh?), beautiful (where did that come from?), sexy (sure), souless (I dreamt I don't have a soul no more), exhilerated (not in a good way at all), focused (my mind's whirling), wise (too wise for my own own), stupid (what the hell am I doing), selfish (hell yeah), and loving (no more).

Hell, love can be legitimate for all I fucking care.

Boys are stupid & Women are always right

Don't get me wrong. I've always believed in equal rights. Justice is my sign.

No. Love is not legitimate.

It's crazy, unreasonable, confusing. Losing yourself is common. Love is it's own laws.

Love screw Justice. Pun intended.

I didn't disappear for almost a month for nothing.

It was dreadful. I can't explain it anymore than feeling dead to the world.

It was like another turning point.

The only blissful moments are the split seconds when I bury myself in the piles of work, little chirping from my noisy gurls, and spending time away from myself with a little help from distractions (beer, friends, and more beer), only to be torn away as soon it's starting to get better.

It's a deadly cycle. And it went on for the longest time.

Being apart made me realized my own oblivion. Thing's that I've always known better, but because of my selfishness (because of love, love is evil) I've chucked them away, enforcing my own needs more than ever. Expectations raised and more disaapointment. Yes another broken hearty momento.

All the sayings about love is blind, love is selfish, love is giving, woman are over sensitive, men are insensitive, boys are stupid, girls are hard to please, women are from venus, men are from mars... They were not just mere sayings.

How is it fair that different people show love the way they show it, and we're expected to understand that, and accept it, even when we don't see how it matters, as long as it's not how our own heart wants to see it.

I give and I give and I give. I don't see how it's unfair for me to be selfish now. I want to feel love the way I want to feel it too. Why the hell not. Love is selfish. I am selish. I'm friends with love. Friend friend.

I still can't accept it.