There are men who weren't much of a man as much as color being absolute, whom I've met or grew up with, who gave me nothing but piles of shit to clean up with my state of being.
I've grown tired of them really.
Men whom I've thought should have played the protective role, who knows how to treat women. Men who knew what it was to be a man.
Having been dealt with the incredulous male chauvinist, the man-wannabe but really is just a big baby, turned my world into one catastrophic ball. The romance, the charm, chauvinism... it's all dead.
That's until starfish stalked into my life.
Like any human made, he was perfect at first. And then a little setback threw him off track. Then more almost killed off all that I've always wanted to hold in my soul. Naturally I was convinced they're all the same. But still somewhere deep in my scars, I wanted to believe that all the romance and goodness remains. Deep and stuck. Choked within. So I looked. I looked so deep and as I dug deep I was hanging onto what could have been my last possible breath.
It was starting to feel painless and I was getting numb. And then I realized...
It's not his fault. It's not their fault. There really was no fault to begin with.
I've been indulging myself with romantic fantasies all these while and filling the yearning. I have been living, stagnant, stubbornly believing and convincing myself that this mirage stands. I forgot the one thing that hit us all, that made my beliefs what it was. And that's life.
Life happened and life as I've known today is as mysterious as it is a bitch.
I've always heard and somehow all those complaints and sob stories didn't etch deep enough for me to stop being so angry at everything.
The most amazing thing was that recently, when I share my unfortunate tales, it didn't felt trivialized by a much harsher series. There was pure mutual empathy and the understanding that each of us has our own path, customized to mold. It felt strangely therapeutic to be able to just pour our hearts without having to be reminded of greater tragedies and we should just 'get over it'.
It was a humbling experience.
I needed that. And I hope this isn't just another moment of the many epiphanies.
I hope this feeling burns out the fire in me that kills, replacing with the warmth of joy, peace and love.
Merry Christmas everyone.
