Awareness

I'm so used to working so much for the past few weeks, that even when I took my time out to slack, surf net, within 5 minutes, I actually feel like going back to work. Psycho!

Been busy with the hunting, moving, shifting, cleaning, and still cleaning up the house; Puppy's and Angel's very own crib.

It's looking better with every effort put in to make it... tidier.

I'm very much aware of death right now. I mean, right at this very moment. Really. So aware it feels like death is staring right into my face.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt puppy died; I was stumped. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore, and when I woke, I hadn't realized it's only a dream.

I knew fully well that he was out in the field at that point of time. There was no way of contacting him to make sure he was okay. Then I started to doubt if the dream was indeed a dream.

It was only hours after, that the surreality (I made this up) faded, that I've finally managed to break through and told myself it's only a dream.

But I am still very much of aware of death. Very much more so for others (those who matters) than for my own.

I cannot possibly imagine how I could go on living if others were to... @#$%^&*

When I finally saw puppy yesterday, the surreality came seeping back. I touched his arm, grabbed him tight and kept my eyes on him, just to make sure he doesn't fade away.

I know it sounds crazy. I can't put it anymore in words how it felt, to actually have been convinced (by the dream) that he doesn't exist (anymore); thinking about it right now, sends a sense of extremely painful loss... through my entire soul. Like a bad orgasm.

Sure I've had thoughts about death of others. I've always understood that death is part of life. But I never thought I'd be this unprepared; The older you are, the closer you are to facing death; Yours, and others.

I'm not sure what to think of it anymore. I'm just hoping that this feeling will go away.