Nostalgia

Been thinking about alot of things these few days...

Things that used to be so familiar....

It's funny how you miss things that you've become used to, that no longer is a routine.

I'm used to having my sisters and mom always around (to go home to), getting on my nerves alot of the time. But at the same time I know I'd risk my life to protect them in a heart beat. Now I'm over at pup's alot. Sister G & S kinda have their own things going on. Mom & Dad are like best friends now and I'm not talking to Dad, which kinda puts me off going home as often as I want to (for mom).

I'm used to making annual trips to Seremban for long holidays, visit Grams and Grandpa, have a hell lotta fun with my cousins. Now I've got work commitments, I only get to go visit them over weekends when I can afford to, cousins are all grown up, we're still close, but it's different as when we were young where we'd be literally be running about alot. Grams no longer around & I wonder how Grandpa's doing.

Things that used to upset me...

Fights mom and dad had, puppy's past relationships....

I'm not sure what exactly triggered me off... Menstration would be a cliche excuse...

Perhaps it was after the talk with Angel about this recent course she went through. One of the excercise was to unleashed past unhappiness. I'm assuming from these certain unhappiness were events where you would do something about it, but you couldn't back then because of certain consequences you were aware of.

I told Angel it's not an easy thing to do, she said it's not, but if you put yourself into that state, you will remember.

I challenged myself and tried at the moment (silly of me), but I couldn't really remember anything in precise. I'm aware. But I can't remember no matter how hard I tried.

Throughout the day, I thought about it. Wasn't sure if I did it out of challenging myself, or I just subconciously want to remember. And truely, they all came seeping back. All the disappointment (with myself), the sadness, expecially anger.

Strangely, most of it, were the past involving me and pups. It has only been 2 years plus, and thinking about our past seemed like so long ago. I started to feel sick thinking about how upset I was with the things he had said and done. I couldn't seem to stop. The more I thought, the angerier I got. I should've been over it. And I'm not sure whether I want to be angry, or really, it's just PMS.

And if I wanted to be angry, why? I would think by now, whatever's got me upset before, I would have been over it by now. But I guess, it's not about whether I've gotten over it or not. It's over when you stopped thinking about it. But somewhere along life, circumstances triggers a certain hurt. A scar which will never go away.

I think that's what it is. I've been scarred. That's all.

I remember how I always get choked with emotions. Whether I'm happy, or sad, or angry. I didn't know how to express them right.

I remember when my aunt died in a gas explosion (dad's younger sister). I was 13, and while I understood death, I was aware that there was a slight tinge of sadness because I know I will never see her again, but I'm not devastated, like how dad expected me to be. Why would he? Well basically, he had put it to my head that, when someone in the family dies, you should be devastated.

I remember feeling weird about it when he said that. A sort of anger. I couldn't explain it back then. But I understand now what it was.

I was angry because I know what I feel. I don't have to be told what to feel. I was sad, yes. But I was not close to her, enough to wail. But because I couldn't access this back then, I thought it was wrong not to feel that sense of pain of loss. So I forced myself to feel the pain and loss, and I cried, like I lost someone close, it was all made up in my head. She was a nice person, but I didn't know her. I didn't know what she did, what's her favourite color, her favorite food, where she lived. The hell was I crying for?!

Because of how I was restrained from thinking what I want to think, I stopped talking. At one point of time I stopped thinking and became stupid. Really. I don't know if it's laziness, or rejection. I was given the impression that I think rubbish. It's almost as if whatever I say, or thought, is wrong. Mom & Dad didn't do as much as restraining my thoughts and ideas as school did.

Singapore has the most efficient, most stupid education system ever. Those who rebelled during school grew up smarter/wittier than most PSLE or 'O' Level qualifiers. They grew up NORMAL.

Even at this age, I'm still struggling to talk properly. I think I've been doing fine. Once in awhile I go gibberish still.

Oh well.

I've been asked to go for an interview for docent volunteering. I'm having this mix feelings. I'm excited, and a little apprehensive about it because if I could go straight for zookeeping (volunteer), I wouldn't wanna waste my time with the docent volunteering. There's nothing official about the zookeeping, but I'm hoping this docent volunteering is just a milestone.

I'm excited. For now.