Relented

I've been holding on so tight, I didn't even realize because it got numbed.

But when you let the blood rushed back into your nerves, you'd realize just because you haven't any sensation doesn't mean it isn't there.

Everytime I think I've let it go, it just seemed I did so reluctantly. And reluctant I was. Undeniably reluctant.

Why? Maybe because I couldn't accept the truth. The truth that I was just not good enough for him.

I'm not telling myself this just to put myself down. Some things just don't work out the way you want it.

I may think back and still feel sad. It'll be one of those milestones in life I've to overcome.

Acceptance doesn't mean I've to fight back my emotions, right?

I pray I'll be whole again.

Asperger's Syndrome

Sure. EVERYONE has got their opinions on everything. I totally respect that. But it just so seems that not everyone appreciates being respected, and give respect (in this matter) in return.

What really annoys me is that they're so worried about not being heard, that they IMPOSE their 2 cents worth. It's disrespectful.

I've been noticing certain social situations, and being aware of how I've reacted to them.

For example, I was on my usual transport back home, 3 others were talking about something to do with homosexuals. I can't quite remember WHAT they said, but I remember HOW it was talked about.

I realized I get very turned off with conversations that sound like everyone is trying to make everyone else hear what they have to say, so much so that you hear one trying to block the other out by repeating the FIRST word 6 times (or more) before they go on. If the other refuses to shut up by the third (or more) repeat, it gets louder.

How impossibly impolite.

I'm guilty of it sometimes. I've learnt if you want to be heard, you listen. Same thing with respect. You don't command it (by raising your voice), it is to be earned (give, to take).

So, shush.

Not crossing the line

Recent situations arose that affirms this principle.

(You know how it's like sometimes to contradict your own principles. Human nature.)

While it's flattering, but to think that *imagine this* your close friend might be trying to get into your ex's pants, makes me feel sick to the stomach. Literally.

I felt weird, uncomfortable, and almost feeling sick to the point where I feel like puking. I might sound like I'm exaggerating here, but it's been trialed first hand, unknowingly. (I always give the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty.)

Rule number 666: Never get involve (intimately) with your ex's friends, especially when they're really close. It's not just wrong, you might be hurting someone you care about, which I think it's worst than being wrong.

But of course if you had a bad breakup and you're wildly attracted to his/her friends, jump right in. If it works out to be a blooming relationship, good for you. Otherwise, you'd probably end up being on that "slutty ex" conversations.

I don't get how some people can just do it. Either they're too caught up with themselves to care, or really just being hypocrites in general.

I know I sound like a prude and judgemental. But that's only cause I felt really, really, really upset with the situation.

And it makes me wonder if I was already on that topic to have caused these "possibilities".

Ugh.

Third Eye Blind - How's it gonna be

I wonder if you think me
Now that I'm out of your life
I wonder if you miss me
Like how I miss you sometimes

I wonder if you truly loved me
Like you said you did
I wonder if you hate me now
For whom I have been

I wonder if you're good
Like how I'm trying to be
I wonder if you still feel like king
Like how you made me queen

I wonder if you'd ever love again
I wonder if I would
I wonder if I still want to know
I wonder if you do

I wonder if we'd ever meet again
I wonder what I'd do if I could turn back time
I wonder if I'd ever be complete
Like how you've completed me

I wonder if I'm just a memory now
I wonder if you are

I wonder how you are

I wonder if I still love you.

*******************************************

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud I wanna get outta this
I wonder, is there anything I'm gonna miss

I wonder how's it gonna be
When you don't know me
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to you
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's its gonna be
How's it gonna be

Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnails scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty
I don't see the lightnight like last fall
When it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it gonna be
When it goes down
How's it gonna be
When you're not around
How's it gonna be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be

How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it gonna be

Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion

How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be

How's it gonna be.

Jane's Addiction - Just Because

If I were you
I'd better watch out
When was the last time
You did anything

Not for me
Or anyone else
Just because
Just because

You, oh you really should have known
Yeah you, you really should have known
Just because
Just because

You got the most
But nobody loves you
Nobody has to
Just because

You, you really should have known
Oh you, I think you really should have known
Just because
Just because

Oh you, better watch out

When we first met
We passed around gifts
That was a long time ago
And yours didn't fit

Yeah you, oh you really should have known
Yeah you, oh you really should have known
Just because
Just because
Just because

********************************************************

It's been crazy. And I love it.

The Last Day

It's 7 minutes to 11pm. Listening to Finley Quaye's Dice, for probably the 7th time for the day, on a Friday night, where I'm supposed to be... I dunno what I'd be doing.

I've cleared the 1 meter stack of recycling papers which I have managed to pile over 3 years sitting my ass here for 8 hours (or more sometimes, like tonight) every other working day, working my butt off to clear the *numerious amount of emails, while juggling other administrative shit B.Boss expects of me, feeling glad sometimes that I have something to hold on to. Something to help pay off bills and support my family, even though sitting in an office 9 to 6 isn't exactly my ideal kind of life.

I feel like I'm going on a new adventure. A different sort. The sort that I have been waried about. I'm lost for words. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. I can hardly breathe right now. I want to cry.

I don't think I have been the best of employee for the past few months. Things happened, lost my morality, motivation, got disappointed. I didn't cry, probably because I keep telling myself to look on the bright side. It's a push I needed. To get out there, and try to shit shovel *grins* On a more glamorous side, to travel.

I'm visualizing. Everyday, I visualize it. Keeping focus.

I want to be where I've been dreaming of.

So here's my first step, to a new life: Taking Bear in my arms, go public, with Bear, in my arms, and face the new world.

My new world.

Good luck to me.

*numerious is a word I made up.

The Feeling - Love It When You Call

I found the switch
You turned it on
I hit the ditch
You carried on

I was so near
Now you're so far
Are you quite sure
Just who you are?

Oh, I-i-i-i-ihi
Know you could use a friend
But you don't seem to have the time
Oh, and I-i-i-i-ihi
I wonder if you ever get to say
What's on your mind

Well take a little time
Come on take a little time

I love it when you call
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
But you never call at all

So, what's the complication?
It's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all

(He loves it when you call)
(He loves it when you call)

Remember me?
I used to be
Your best time buddy
That you couldn't wait to see

We're gettin old
It takes its toll
And hearts getting broken
Leads to people growing cold

Oh, I-i-i-i-ihi
I'm flippin with a coin
That's got a tail on either side
Oh, and I-i-i-i-ihi
I'm gonna be the one
Who makes you stop and realise

You could have it all
Ye-eah, we should have it all

I love it when you call
(He loves it when you call)
I love it when you call
(He loves it when you call)
I love it when you call
But you never call at all

So, what's the complication?
It's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all

(He loves it when you call)
(He loves it when you call)

Yeah, I wonder where you've been
Yeah, and I wonder who you've seen
Yeah, I hope you find your dream
When you do, I really hope it's all it seems

I love it when you call
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
But you never call at all

Say what's the complication
It's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all 

*********************************************

No I'm not in an especially good mood today.

If you heard this song already you'd know how hippie it'd sound.

It's just that I heard this song on Live On Abbey's Road earlier and it cheered me up while it lasts.

It's the sweetness I miss.

Tagged

Rules of the game:
Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

(1) I hate to admit that I care what other people think about me. Whoever has met me, even it's for awhile, even if you don't really matter, it matters how people see me. Only it's subjected to how long I wanna think about it.

(2) I have lesbian tendency. Never really done anything about it.

(3) I have this habit of moving my feet (feet sole face up) back and forth when I'm going to sleep. Like how kitties flick their tails back and forth when in that relax mode. It's like a mental relaxing hypnosis. Only it manifests with my feet.

(4) During an exam once, probably when I was in primary 3 or 4, I finished my paper quicker than time given, I turned around to this classmate of mine and asked her to draw something nice for me. She was good. The teacher in charged probably looked at me thinking I must be retarded. Now I suspect I had Asperger's Syndrome.

(5) I used to think about committing the perfect murder. JigSAW outdid me.

(6) I fantasize about being famous.

(7) I'm into the whole goth shit, as well pretty flowers and unicorns.

(8) I pride myself on being independent. But I'm not ruling out the possibilty of me having to rely on a financially stable husband. Bills are slowing me down.

(9) Fact is I would like 2 kids. A girl and a boy.

(10) I get high on coke. Not the real stuff.

I'm not sure who to tag because most of my friends have already done it. So Seanie, you've been tagged back. Now you owe us all another 10. Rules are meant to be broken anyway.