Shut your fucking mouth

I haven't been feeling like this for awhile now...

I knew I shouldn't be home early last night cos I knew he'd be home.

I was in the middle of watching Charmed (Phoebe's high school reunion) adventure when he asked if I could spare half an hour. I could've said no cos I wanna fucking watch the gurls (they just look so good on TV) but my 7th sense is hinting it's got something to do with what I thought it was, and it's urging me...

"... You got a Indian boyfriend ah..." (don't mind the broken English)

Challenging him, I said, yeah...?

Then blah blah blah I got pissed and raised my voice in defense and he got pissed and raised his voice just cos he's a father.

Heres why: My father, has a third-world-generation thinking. For example, Chinese and Indian, big nono. (So much for an example huh)

Basically, what he thinks doesn't matter to me. I hated him for what he did. And I still do. My intention of obliging to his little request was to just let him yak away and phase out since I'll never understand what he's trying to say (I never do. Or just refuse to). But because we got off on the wrong foot, correction, he got off stepping on MY foot, what do I do? How dare he.

How dare he come to me, and INSIST on telling me how he feels. I don't give a shit if it bothers him. I don't give a shit if it makes him uncomfortable. But when he's got nothing else better to back his defenseless statement, of course, left with no choice, so obviously defensively pointed out, that I did what I did because I don't like this family. I snapped. Like, where the fuck did that come from?! So I haven't been home as often as I would like to. Because of you. You've been missing in action for the last 6 years, suddenly, you're home at 8pm almost everyday, gorging on whatever Mom cooked for dinner, and now, you expect me to listen to you ranting your 2-cents worth, and just nod like I always do when I was young and ignorant of the world around me.

Too bad for you, I've grown, and learnt everything I need to know, without your help. In fact I'm glad you weren't around. I would've been the same person I despise now. So I'm not gonna shut up, and just let you talk. You are gonna listen to me.

The argument went on to him blabbering away about the different culture shit and I of course, despising the fact that he is so shallow, took the effort to explain to him that I know what I wanted, to I'm-not-going-out-with-an-Indian-because-I-hate-this-family (I do not hate mom or my sisters) shit, to this-is-my-life-you-don't-know-me-so-stay-the-hell-outta-it.

Finally, he gave up trying to explain whatever the fuck, that he will get someone else to talk to me. Uncle Christbert. I scoffed. I don't hate the guy. But he doesn't know me either.

We argued somemore. Finally I couldn't bear his bullcrap anymore, I commanded him to stop and puhleeease go ahead and let Uncle Chris talk to me instead. Whoever. Listening to him rabble just pisses me off even more.

Bottomline is, he is unhappy. And of course, I refuse to settle with just hearing him out, This is a two way street.

Anyone can advise me with their 2-cents worth, ultimately, the decision is mine to make. I will not stop walking the path I have chosen to walk. I will not be told what to do. I'm a Libran for God's sake. I fight a war with myself in my head enough. Once I've got my mind made up, there's no turning back unless I want to.

After about 3 hours, the "conversation" ended quite peacefully. I've said my piece. I pray to God he's bothered with what I said. I didn't need him talking to me in the first place.

As much as I hate to admit it, the episode with dad did bother me in some ways. I hate confrontations. Especially when I'm not ready. I need to be prepped. But what's happened happened. I've play the conversations back and fro for sometime already. I feel alot better now. I did not regret whatever I said. But what a pity, I've had my chances (telling him I hate him). I'm glad I didn't though. Mom wouldn't be too happy about it.

I wish he'd just lose his voice and shut the hell up for good for snoring that loud you'd feel the rooms vibrating.

I miss Mom... I miss sister S... I miss Puppy...

Sister G's gonna be home soon so I don't miss her that much. Heh.