X-Men First Class (re-run) / Across The Universe (re-run) / The Ugly Truth

On expecting blues and what-nots...

It's coming to a close. It hasn't been easy. It's still all so surreal and unexpected. It's reminded me of how blessed I am of where I've come to and share with. If it's the hormones talking it's never been this clear who I will never let go for the rest of my life and who I will keep out.

I'm soooo unsure but I'm excited and anticipating. Things are about to get wild.

Ruroni Kenshin / Les Miserables / Seven Psychopaths / Silver Lining Playbook / The Talented Mr Ripley / Zero Dark Thirty / Wolf Children / Looper / Oz The Great & Powerful / The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

While there are folks I no longer want to associate myself with, life has its way of doing the opposite. Although quite strangely, the experience was more peaceful than bothersome. I hope that's growth.

Then there's the MIL, throwing all sorts of tantrum like it's the only way to get our attention. (Referring to the last time she was in town). For someone who nags with such an unbecoming amount of conviction, I suppose it's hard to realize that the reason why she don't get much hoot is because of how unlikable this personality flaw is. Growth IS hard and while it is for everyone, it isn't well taken to.

This is exhausting. But whatever doesn't kill, makes me stronger right. Keeping everything crossed.

Blood Diamond / Hurt Locker

I have been immobile for a loooooong time. Think I've slept through for 5 weeks and I don't remember nothing but trying not to barf. Eating, drinking, sleeping, communicating, housekeeping were difficult. It's only since a few days ago that I managed to finally gorge and hold down a full meal. 

Everything else just seem surreal.

Was on an emo ride last night, watching some of Michael Jackson's performances on Youtube and then couldn't stop sobbing when I realized our children will never get to know the King of Pop of all the millenniums to come. 

I know MJ lives. His legacy too huge a magnitude to die out. But it's just different, knowing he no longer breathes on this Earth.

I hope this Earth lasts long enough to keep MJ's music going for eternity.

A Warrior of Summer's Hope

29 September... explains all that primal territorial instincts.

a warrior... or summer's hope... 
there's a slight preference over each other for trivial reasons...
it won't actually matter.

They will be part of each other.

Resident Evil: Retribution / Dredd / Premium Rush

I am mood swinging like maaad.

One moment I'm so happy doing all sorts of stuff and the next I've got these unwelcoming, judgmental noises just running through my conscious mind almost non-stop.

I'm still trying to figure out if it's cos my period is running late or the annoying fact that I am still so fucking annoyed with the amount of self-righteous idiocracy I have to co-exist with.

For one, I am to keep the unwanted junk just because I have space and two, I am also to rent out our room just because I have spare.

Is the privacy of a newly-wed couple not allowed in this lifetime anymore?
Are people so insecure and defensive that they are becoming so painfully assuming?
Am I supposed to self-righteously help out or selfishly fulfill my own desire for happiness?

I am, truly, a self-righteous bitch. I've always known that. And I do sometimes, selfishly shove my self-righteous opinion into faces that annoys me so. Other than that, I keep my self-righteousness to myself. Because I do respect that fact that they made their own choices and lived the life they want to live.

And yes I do scoff at anyone that I deemed immorally unworthy of any self-righteous respect coming from me but at least I have that decency to keep it to the confinement of my damned mouth.

Oh I do get so painfully annoyed. I really do not care for any sort of 'advice' especially when I do not need one when it is something so trivial as to whether I want to keep my junk in this space of mine. I really... really... do not care for any of that.

What also annoys me is that, these almost unbearable annoying traits (or opposites) are surfacing closer to home. And now, thinking logically, I am in an extremely painful position where I have to decide whether to continue to suck it up or make that cruel (albeit relieving) decision to leave.

I am this close... to cutting myself off from their self-righteous world... should they not realize to keep their self-righteous opinions up their own self-righteous assbrains.

The Lady / Think Like A Man / The Hunger Games / The Pursuit of Happiness / Mirror Mirror / Rent A Cat

We escaped for 20 days to the L.A. to visit our bffs and while it was an ecstatic reunion and an enormous breath of fresh crisp air, I can't help but feel really bad about how incredibly relief I'd feel if I could just take off and leave familiarity.

It wasn't one of those trips where the grass is greener on the other side.

There were dangers, uneasiness as we visited the tourist town of San Francisco, the feeling of being a complete tourist, being an easy target. The San Diego zoo, unfortunately an all too familiar sight. The inconvenient travelling in L.A. (very used to the super efficient local transport system). Not that it's that bad in L.A. but having a car works as easy as taking that bus to Northpoint.

While the only economic awareness I have of the States is that employment rate is on the low, frozen probably, I love, I absolutely love the fact that people are just being people. Totally aware of each other's space. This could sound really selfish but it's honest. It made sense to me.

Here, it's a hypocritical island. People pretend to 'think' for you but they're actually thinking about themselves. It's probably just me but I definitely refused to be a part of the hypocrites, where it's the majority here.

I need to make do with what I can and what I have. Here, there is very very little I can make do with. I realize the authorities are PROBABLY doing its best to make things work in this country for most of us but, I feel like the minority and since asking for the country to move towards my ideal goal is a tad too selfish, I will make my move instead.

I just hope when that happens, nothing will try to keep me.

The Dark Knight Rises / The Dark Knight / Batman Begins / American Psycho

I thought I'd forgotten. The obsession returns and the perfect distraction. I'm not sure what's bringing about the panic attack this time round but my intrinsic sixth sense tells me it's the coming of the MIL. It's sparking off a whole lot of peeves; manipulation of human rights, the unintentional good intention, my own definition of obsessive compulsiveness etc. I've been on short breathes for almost a week now and the only time I felt a better sense of calm was when Christian Bale is on screen. Sigh the intensity. Looking forward to escape.

Prometheus / Madagascar 3 / Flowers of War / Arrietty / Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Feels like just yesterday when I had decided to take onto the current project @ 'T'.
Feels like just yesterday when I had to dig deep, imploring into my beliefs.
Feels like just yesterday when I had been at liberty.
And today, or not, that I will soon to decide once again, to be or not to be.

While it has been a refreshing ride these past 2 months, I find myself swirling within, drowning out years of frustration and sensing uncertainty. Perhaps in a way a distraction. Perhaps the beginning of a desperately yearned adventure. The uncertainty brings about a strange sense of calm.

I'm not sure but something within stirs...

500 Days of Summer

I have never won any lottery or holiday/concert tickets but today, I consider myself the luckiest; I found my soul mate and I'd say that the odds are amongst the highest.

Wanting to be with me even at my grumpiest, tolerating my impatience, being sweet at my mercy... I cannot possibly asks for more. But I am. I want to spend more than a lifetime with him. Everything that I wasn't sure of before him, I couldn't be more sure now.

I Love Us.

Battleship

I'm feeling the universe today... like a lot. Life IS a lonely journey. No I didn't forget some very important and even those less important people. It's just... well if I hadn't pondered about some of the social standing issues which most deemed not worth their time, if I hadn't bit my lip & resort to ranting in my head, if I hadn't stop trying to be good, I wouldn't have been this slightly enlightened.

Only slightly, because I know I'm not quite there. But I can see. I've got the torch in my hand and now I make my way through what seems to be a lifelong tunnel. I'm probably the only one who knows what I meant and that's okay. It's all I need.

Alanis Morisette's That I Would Be Good sings in my head. I've got it all wrong before. And I'm well aware that I'm not the only one getting the concept of being good wrong. And I'm not gonna be one of them anymore.

So many times the universe has set me up and I couldn't see through my pride & anger. But I get it now.

I can't be good if I'm not bad.

Tenacious D

I can feel a lot of negative vibes lately. I haven't quite figure if it's coming from within or without. But something's for sure is that I can feel it from certain individuals. Of whom are the familiar acquaintances, certain family members and the air. The air is just bad. Dust everywhere. Haze from God knows where. *Coughs coughs*

Wherever it's from I'm learning to bring forth my inner peace and hopefully calm the sitch. Not that I'm a master at acquiring the inner peace but a girl can try.

The Grey

Once more into the fray... into the last good fight I'll ever know... Live and die on this day... live and die on this day...

and since, I've been seizing each and every day that I live, accepting all that I am with gratitude. Accepting that life IS hard and being human is harder. So I've decided to fight. I'll fight for the ones I love and fight away all that's no good for me. So once again, after a long long time, bite me.

Four Lions

Breathe... breathe... breathe... not because of wrath, it just made good sense to breathe in more oxygen for the human mind and body to work and be at it's best. I'll get better at anger management and have better comebacks. with the era closing in on judgement day it's not about being or doing right anymore. it's being wise and it's getting pretty easy to tell them apart. there honestly aren't many of these wisecracks with all the douchebags hanging around. sooooooooooo I'm gonna... let it be... let it be... let it be. we are but flesh and bones and maybe a bit of soul there are just too many roles to play. I'd wanna put on some quality show and then there's always karma to put these douche in place. so breathe, think and oooowadaaaaaah~~~!!!!!

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

2012 has been productive and kind so far. I am enjoying every moment of chores and making more effort for the people around us. All it needed was a change of attitude; mine. I'm seeing a pattern in growth. Namely from the surrounding people. It wasn't that they didn't get it. It was only a matter of time. Time and certain exposure or influence. I've also decided on a few 2012 resolutions. Namely speak less, listen more, which could lead to the impression of lessened empathy. I realized I may be trying to make people around me feel less guilty about certain things while I feel guilty about being a hypocrite. And then there's focus on the tasks-on-hands. I try to multi-task too much which leads to getting burnt out, add on frustration. Peace of mind, always. Feeling less guilty about how incredibly privileged the state of my being. I tend of torture myself by guilt tripping my every comfort and joy. I realized there is no point to this and instead I'm gonna do my best to be more proactive in the areas of my beliefs and principles. There's a lot of Zen influence in these and the more I learn the ways, the more determined I am to make quality in my life. There has been a glaring message from the universe (or that meditating book of Zen) that I shall seek without seeking.

Jane Erye / Winnie the Pooh / 50/50

There are men who weren't much of a man as much as color being absolute, whom I've met or grew up with, who gave me nothing but piles of shit to clean up with my state of being. I've grown tired of them really. Men whom I've thought should have played the protective role, who knows how to treat women. Men who knew what it was to be a man. Having been dealt with the incredulous male chauvinist, the man-wannabe but really is just a big baby, turned my world into one catastrophic ball. The romance, the charm, chauvinism... it's all dead. That's until starfish stalked into my life. Like any human made, he was perfect at first. And then a little setback threw him off track. Then more almost killed off all that I've always wanted to hold in my soul. Naturally I was convinced they're all the same. But still somewhere deep in my scars, I wanted to believe that all the romance and goodness remains. Deep and stuck. Choked within. So I looked. I looked so deep and as I dug deep I was hanging onto what could have been my last possible breath. It was starting to feel painless and I was getting numb. And then I realized... It's not his fault. It's not their fault. There really was no fault to begin with. I've been indulging myself with romantic fantasies all these while and filling the yearning. I have been living, stagnant, stubbornly believing and convincing myself that this mirage stands. I forgot the one thing that hit us all, that made my beliefs what it was. And that's life. Life happened and life as I've known today is as mysterious as it is a bitch. I've always heard and somehow all those complaints and sob stories didn't etch deep enough for me to stop being so angry at everything. The most amazing thing was that recently, when I share my unfortunate tales, it didn't felt trivialized by a much harsher series. There was pure mutual empathy and the understanding that each of us has our own path, customized to mold. It felt strangely therapeutic to be able to just pour our hearts without having to be reminded of greater tragedies and we should just 'get over it'. It was a humbling experience. I needed that. And I hope this isn't just another moment of the many epiphanies. I hope this feeling burns out the fire in me that kills, replacing with the warmth of joy, peace and love. Merry Christmas everyone.

Paranormal Activity 3 / Tangled

The husband's been really good to me past few days. My mind was all over and my body crashed. Couldn't take the pressure any more than it did before and finally crapped the life out of me.

Ex.cruciating.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I still can't quite figure out what.

That I've been avoiding some sort of confrontation because my people are?
Because I'm Libran?
Because I need to look good?
That maybe it's time for me to accept that fact that I cannot accept?
Because I can't change anything?
Except for myself?

but... but... I believed... I really believed I can... could have... done something...

I see my dad and I think, why can't he see how he's making people around him suffer and at the same time also thinking, am I the only one feeling this way...

Am I so incredibly arrogantly stubbon that I refused to even let him (or anyone else like him) be?

Puddit down... I need to puddit down...

Can I ever? Truly?

I... doubt...

I'll be working on accepting the fact that I cannot accept.

The Last Princess (Japanese)

It's been 27 years.

I thought I had it figured out.

Tired. Very tired.

Horrible Bosses / Rise of The Planet of The Apes / Source Code

After watching Source Code, I cracked my head to understand what its hidden message was. SPOILER WARNING (although really not so much actually) - And that is, a possibility in creating a new timeline in any of the parallel universe; a notion that was obsolete with the functionality of the Source Code program.

Thhh! In your face! My god... made me think so hard!

Duncan Jones you sly ingenious bastard.

Been awhile since I had a good thinkering (the last one was Da Vinci Code or was it Holy Blood, Holy Grail).

Then again, the idea of time travelling into a parallel universe, using Source Code to manipulate that universe using an already (or fated to die) dead body, discussed as 'unethical', was something I'd missed.

I guess taking over a used up life calls for a hugely obnoxious amount of self-centered-ness where one is determined to save the world or in Colter Stevens' case, that train full of passengers who by right should have been blown to smithereens.

Colter Stevens, a American hero (soldier), who died in Afghanistan, fighting (ironically) for peace, had his second chance at saving the world.

A hero at and after death.

Hangover II / Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon / Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows II

I may be realizing slowly and truly that I am not the only one with problems so small that I may as well just tape my mouth and pinch my nose shut, wait for the black out and then wake up and do it all over just so it'd be all I think about doing until I'd eventually give out my last breath.

Nichiren Shoshu is mysteriously affirming my beliefs in (this) life that the True Laws is all that it is to attaining enlightenment... and perhaps all that it is to the answer to life...

A cold finally caught up with me and with it, it's slowing my thoughts down a whole lot; an unfortunate situation which has gotten me feeling appreciative for...

I may have been swirling in thoughts a little too much and to say the least I was overwhelmed, to the point where I literally neglected my health. How, I can't remember.

A lot has already happened this year and I have made some rather chilly decisions for myself and others.

I could feel myself changing.

While I forgave myself for my past, I've also turned my back on some new folks coming into my life.

I'm not sure if I'm just becoming too self-centered thus having much lesser energy to deal with others or that I've learnt to see through people which made filtering out certain individual a lot more affirmative.

Giving the 'benefit of doubt' has certainly put me through almost an endless trials of judgement (with regards to myself) until I've stopped that is.

The length of it (benefit of the doubt) has been shortened.

In a way, I spend less time thinking about necessary solutions for unnecessary people and more time on the ones I deemed worthy.

But honestly that hadn't worked so well either.

And then I realized, it's not about avoiding.

It's about accepting, which is a lot harder to do, but it definitely reaped better results.

I'm not quite there yet, but at least I have a more positive focus now.

Gaining wisdom doesn't have to feel like such a burden. Sometimes the ability to understand isn't that much fun of a responsibility. But if I just keep focusing on the good, then the bad will surely resolve. Yes, the bad doesn't have to be all bad. It can be resolved and purified.

And I think I've found my way of going about, doing that. And living.

Next step, to save the world.

Yes Man / The Kids Are Alright / Transamerica

I've been thinking... It's time I set some boundaries.