I may be realizing slowly and truly that I am not the only one with problems so small that I may as well just tape my mouth and pinch my nose shut, wait for the black out and then wake up and do it all over just so it'd be all I think about doing until I'd eventually give out my last breath.
Nichiren Shoshu is mysteriously affirming my beliefs in (this) life that the True Laws is all that it is to attaining enlightenment... and perhaps all that it is to the answer to life...
A cold finally caught up with me and with it, it's slowing my thoughts down a whole lot; an unfortunate situation which has gotten me feeling appreciative for...
I may have been swirling in thoughts a little too much and to say the least I was overwhelmed, to the point where I literally neglected my health. How, I can't remember.
A lot has already happened this year and I have made some rather chilly decisions for myself and others.
I could feel myself changing.
While I forgave myself for my past, I've also turned my back on some new folks coming into my life.
I'm not sure if I'm just becoming too self-centered thus having much lesser energy to deal with others or that I've learnt to see through people which made filtering out certain individual a lot more affirmative.
Giving the 'benefit of doubt' has certainly put me through almost an endless trials of judgement (with regards to myself) until I've stopped that is.
The length of it (benefit of the doubt) has been shortened.
In a way, I spend less time thinking about necessary solutions for unnecessary people and more time on the ones I deemed worthy.
But honestly that hadn't worked so well either.
And then I realized, it's not about avoiding.
It's about accepting, which is a lot harder to do, but it definitely reaped better results.
I'm not quite there yet, but at least I have a more positive focus now.
Gaining wisdom doesn't have to feel like such a burden. Sometimes the ability to understand isn't that much fun of a responsibility. But if I just keep focusing on the good, then the bad will surely resolve. Yes, the bad doesn't have to be all bad. It can be resolved and purified.
And I think I've found my way of going about, doing that. And living.
Next step, to save the world.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Yes Man / The Kids Are Alright / Transamerica
I've been thinking... It's time I set some boundaries.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Friday, June 03, 2011
Priest / Pirates of Caribbean 4 / Ku Fu Panda 2 / Dylan Dog
May flew by so quick.
The serenity of the beach... the holy vows... an infinite love bound within the Infinity Chapel... their loving chemistry so profound it gave hope to those lost in love... T&J's wedding in Bali was perfect... and thinking the same for JaYz.
Mr Poh got hitched by the end of May. With his sun-kissed, sharp eyes and firm handshake of a wife, he looked blissful.
Since getting hitched myself, attending weddings always stir something in me. Something almost exhilaratingly refreshing and touching... There's something very pure and sweet about the whole matrimonial ceremony. The old school vows... the exchange of rings... the smiles on the newly weds... yes... the newly weds smiling at each other... smiling because it's so right... smiling because they are all they see... It's when they smile like that that I can't help the water works.
To all the happy couples, from the bottom of my heart, truly, I wish them a lifetime of happiness.
We got lucky.
I know I did.
The serenity of the beach... the holy vows... an infinite love bound within the Infinity Chapel... their loving chemistry so profound it gave hope to those lost in love... T&J's wedding in Bali was perfect... and thinking the same for JaYz.
Mr Poh got hitched by the end of May. With his sun-kissed, sharp eyes and firm handshake of a wife, he looked blissful.
Since getting hitched myself, attending weddings always stir something in me. Something almost exhilaratingly refreshing and touching... There's something very pure and sweet about the whole matrimonial ceremony. The old school vows... the exchange of rings... the smiles on the newly weds... yes... the newly weds smiling at each other... smiling because it's so right... smiling because they are all they see... It's when they smile like that that I can't help the water works.
To all the happy couples, from the bottom of my heart, truly, I wish them a lifetime of happiness.
We got lucky.
I know I did.
Monday, May 09, 2011
The Lion King musical
So here's the deal...
I continue to control what/who goes in and out of my life and let the universe handle the rest.
I continue to control what/who goes in and out of my life and let the universe handle the rest.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Scream 4 / Thor
"Vote Wisely"
There's been quite a bit of awkward situations since the beginning of this year.
Awkward, because I realized I have not reaped what I've sowed. Instead, my harvest, became charity, one which was given quite unwillingly. Given for the sake of empathy. Sadly, I've mistaken empathy to be on a two-way street.
Awkward, because there are things I frowned upon and to the things that I frowned upon has caused a great a deal of distress if these things that I frowned upon knowingly or unknowingly crack their way through into my intolerable veins.
Awkward, because truth became diplomacy, which lies on a very thin line with manipulative.
Awkward, because for all of the above, I have spent great effort veering off since the 'benefit of the doubt' and now I worry the return of skepticism, doubts, and brutal honesty.
Strangely my horoscope reading seems to be telling me while these may be awkward to say or do, I have made my point and I'm supposed to trust it and refuse to think shoulda-woulda-coulda because, what's the point.
There's been quite a bit of awkward situations since the beginning of this year.
Awkward, because I realized I have not reaped what I've sowed. Instead, my harvest, became charity, one which was given quite unwillingly. Given for the sake of empathy. Sadly, I've mistaken empathy to be on a two-way street.
Awkward, because there are things I frowned upon and to the things that I frowned upon has caused a great a deal of distress if these things that I frowned upon knowingly or unknowingly crack their way through into my intolerable veins.
Awkward, because truth became diplomacy, which lies on a very thin line with manipulative.
Awkward, because for all of the above, I have spent great effort veering off since the 'benefit of the doubt' and now I worry the return of skepticism, doubts, and brutal honesty.
Strangely my horoscope reading seems to be telling me while these may be awkward to say or do, I have made my point and I'm supposed to trust it and refuse to think shoulda-woulda-coulda because, what's the point.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Limitless
I knew...
that life isn't perfect...
people aren't perfect...
nothing ever is...
I used to know the beauty in imperfection...
where did that go...
where did everything I used to know and embrace go...
what happened to taking it easy...
how did I become this insecure... and angry at every little moral faults...
when did I stop accepting these imperfections...
here I am thinking I know how the world should work and shit... I'm the worst one.
how I'v been disappointed...
how I've been disapproved...
how I've been so conscious of how I make others feel and I thought... I knew...
I thought I'm the only one trying to make this world spin in the right direction...
I thought that whatever that's out of my control means they're at fault...
that's it... anything that's out of my control is at fault...
that's what's been going on...
I get it now...
and now... I learn to accept.
that life isn't perfect...
people aren't perfect...
nothing ever is...
I used to know the beauty in imperfection...
where did that go...
where did everything I used to know and embrace go...
what happened to taking it easy...
how did I become this insecure... and angry at every little moral faults...
when did I stop accepting these imperfections...
here I am thinking I know how the world should work and shit... I'm the worst one.
how I'v been disappointed...
how I've been disapproved...
how I've been so conscious of how I make others feel and I thought... I knew...
I thought I'm the only one trying to make this world spin in the right direction...
I thought that whatever that's out of my control means they're at fault...
that's it... anything that's out of my control is at fault...
that's what's been going on...
I get it now...
and now... I learn to accept.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sucker Punch
I thought I knew Baby Doll's face somewhere and Emily Browning was Violet in Lemony Snickets. Always liked that morbid nostalgia.
Since the zen way, I realized while it did calm me, I felt almost passionless, botherless about stuff and I thought while it's good for my mental health, I have lesser things to say and it felt... boring?
Perhaps being zen is not the most adventurous, passionate way of life, but I shouldn't care too great a deal since I DO not want to be bothered too much?
Perhaps that's one huge part I needed to fix all these while; this feelings of inadequacy. And hoping this way of zen will do.
Human to Deities... The difference is too grand a scale.
There's just too much to learn. Too much. It's comforting though, to know it's a good thing.
Since the zen way, I realized while it did calm me, I felt almost passionless, botherless about stuff and I thought while it's good for my mental health, I have lesser things to say and it felt... boring?
Perhaps being zen is not the most adventurous, passionate way of life, but I shouldn't care too great a deal since I DO not want to be bothered too much?
Perhaps that's one huge part I needed to fix all these while; this feelings of inadequacy. And hoping this way of zen will do.
Human to Deities... The difference is too grand a scale.
There's just too much to learn. Too much. It's comforting though, to know it's a good thing.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Godfather I
The enemy, the friend, the betrayed, the loyal, the fearsome, the father, the husband, the Man.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The Fighter
Can't believe I missed this.
Soooo let's see where do I begin...
I've just realized that the Bro is no longer on my FB list and what's troubling me is that I honestly cannot seem to remember if I had subconsciously removed him myself. While I did thought about it (and chances of me doing it without realizing is rather high considering my alter ego tends to take over at times of utter dis-like), I didn't want my scarlet letter to be 'L'.
My horoscope readings are telling me there's a reason why the elusive bluebird of happiness may be avoiding my windowsill today...
I should get back to cracking on how I'm gonna save the world.
Soooo let's see where do I begin...
I've just realized that the Bro is no longer on my FB list and what's troubling me is that I honestly cannot seem to remember if I had subconsciously removed him myself. While I did thought about it (and chances of me doing it without realizing is rather high considering my alter ego tends to take over at times of utter dis-like), I didn't want my scarlet letter to be 'L'.
My horoscope readings are telling me there's a reason why the elusive bluebird of happiness may be avoiding my windowsill today...
I should get back to cracking on how I'm gonna save the world.
Friday, March 04, 2011
True Grit
I'm definitely not a fan of western cowboy movies but the Cohen brothers are too brilliant to miss.
Tastefully humored.
I'm running out of words...
Tastefully humored.
I'm running out of words...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Burlesque
Being a wife isn't what I'd imagined it to be.
It isn't all about flirty bantering, mutual consenting or whatever it was supposed to be, till death do us part.
To be a wife means to sacrifice. Like, everything.
Sacrificing emotional needs just so the husband doesn't get any more stuck in the middle.
Sacrificing dignity just so everyone can make callous comments.
They're all 'you're always siding with her...' or 'you can't always side her...'
Why does anyone have to side with anyone?!
So when I get the husband to spend more time with his mother, take her on a holiday, who am I siding?
When I advice the husband to call and check on his attention seeking female friends once in awhile, who am I siding?
And when I suggest the husband to spend more brotherly time and maybe even help out financially, just who the hell am I siding?!
Basically, when I became a wife, I lost all legitimate rights to need my husband.
It isn't all about flirty bantering, mutual consenting or whatever it was supposed to be, till death do us part.
To be a wife means to sacrifice. Like, everything.
Sacrificing emotional needs just so the husband doesn't get any more stuck in the middle.
Sacrificing dignity just so everyone can make callous comments.
They're all 'you're always siding with her...' or 'you can't always side her...'
Why does anyone have to side with anyone?!
So when I get the husband to spend more time with his mother, take her on a holiday, who am I siding?
When I advice the husband to call and check on his attention seeking female friends once in awhile, who am I siding?
And when I suggest the husband to spend more brotherly time and maybe even help out financially, just who the hell am I siding?!
Basically, when I became a wife, I lost all legitimate rights to need my husband.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Black Swan / The Tourist
Here is a list of how something small can become something big:
1. Sakamoto Ryoma
2. Mark Zuckerberg
3. The discovery of 2-cents worth of an opinion; an almost insignificant value because, nobody asked for it.
Sakamoto Ryoma, because he saw the unjust & bias treatment from the ancient hierarchy system.
Mark Zuckerberg, because the ex-girlfriend broke up with him for trying so hard to be an asswipe, turned on her because he got his heart broken for being an ass, by blogging ass shits about her and starting up a discriminating social network program.
The result of Sakamoto and Zuckerberg was an admirably rich culture with the most advanced technologies we depend on today, and the highly controversial and much needed social network where long distance relationships (relatives & friends) maintain bond with no more an effort than the want and need to know what's been up.
The result of the discovery of a much less needed opinion is, epically catastrophic.
Cans of worms were opened. Strength becomes weakness. And worst of all, having to deal with more coming.
God help me.
1. Sakamoto Ryoma
2. Mark Zuckerberg
3. The discovery of 2-cents worth of an opinion; an almost insignificant value because, nobody asked for it.
Sakamoto Ryoma, because he saw the unjust & bias treatment from the ancient hierarchy system.
Mark Zuckerberg, because the ex-girlfriend broke up with him for trying so hard to be an asswipe, turned on her because he got his heart broken for being an ass, by blogging ass shits about her and starting up a discriminating social network program.
The result of Sakamoto and Zuckerberg was an admirably rich culture with the most advanced technologies we depend on today, and the highly controversial and much needed social network where long distance relationships (relatives & friends) maintain bond with no more an effort than the want and need to know what's been up.
The result of the discovery of a much less needed opinion is, epically catastrophic.
Cans of worms were opened. Strength becomes weakness. And worst of all, having to deal with more coming.
God help me.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Eat Pray Love / The Squid and the Whale / Adventureland / Love and other drugs
Japan was beautiful. It was a pity I didn't get to fully breathe it all in. There were issues to be dealt, Noa to be missed. Good thing for cameras. Helps with the memories.
I'm having trouble handling the MIL. Mainly because, a lot has been tolerated.
I tried to communicate. Thought the reason why she apparently keeps saying the "wrong things" to me was because I didn't communicate enough. So I responded. She countered. I end up biting my lips.
I tried to ignore her so called casual comments. Gets to me after some time and I implode. I call them (her so called casual comments) irresponsible.
So now I'm trying NOT to communicate. I'd say hi. Greet mornings. Maybe a thank you if I feel grateful enough. But I'm not responding to her casual comments.
"You gave him too much noodle."
. . .
I may let out an exasperated sigh. I may conscientiously bite my lips. But I'm not responding. No "oh yeah?" No "oh I didn't realize..." No "maybe I'll take some."
I am starting to believe that she actually hates me. Probably jealous of the fact that I married her favourite son. Probably feeling lonely.
But I've played the niceness enough. It's not appreciated. So I'm just gonna stay away. Play ghost in my own house. Get out if she's in.
I'm nice. But I'm not that nice.
I'm having trouble handling the MIL. Mainly because, a lot has been tolerated.
I tried to communicate. Thought the reason why she apparently keeps saying the "wrong things" to me was because I didn't communicate enough. So I responded. She countered. I end up biting my lips.
I tried to ignore her so called casual comments. Gets to me after some time and I implode. I call them (her so called casual comments) irresponsible.
So now I'm trying NOT to communicate. I'd say hi. Greet mornings. Maybe a thank you if I feel grateful enough. But I'm not responding to her casual comments.
"You gave him too much noodle."
. . .
I may let out an exasperated sigh. I may conscientiously bite my lips. But I'm not responding. No "oh yeah?" No "oh I didn't realize..." No "maybe I'll take some."
I am starting to believe that she actually hates me. Probably jealous of the fact that I married her favourite son. Probably feeling lonely.
But I've played the niceness enough. It's not appreciated. So I'm just gonna stay away. Play ghost in my own house. Get out if she's in.
I'm nice. But I'm not that nice.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Law Abiding Citizen
Noa had fallen and dislocated her left hind joint...
Breaks my heart as she howled in pain...
Breaks my soul when the option of
(1) putting her under for a long surgery...
(2) or under enough anesthesia to pop it back in place...
(3) or leave her be so her dislocated joint will have to bear a long process of pain to fit in its off-position in which she'll end up having an awkward leg to move around or snuggle herself in...
Problem with (1), there's a high risk of putting a dog her age under g.a. It compromises her organs and she might not wake. It will be a long tedious surgery.
Problem with (2), as with (1), except she'll be under for like an hour or so. The vet also emphasized that this option has the highest failure rate. Her bones are getting old and her socket is shallow. Which means, it may pop out of position again. We could repeat this process many times, which means the risk when she goes under every time.
Problem with (3), we find it hard to deal with the fact that she will be in pain until she gets used to the fact that her joint will never be in position ever again.
We needed an option that fixes her pain fast. She couldn't stand and cries when she tried to move. So we decided on (2). Put her leg back into position, and thus, began our prayers.
Tears of relief when I got the call from the hospital and said that Noa is up and we can pick her up.
It's only been 10 hours since we brought her home. She's restless, but doing well. Bet she feels real awkward with her fixed leg bound. She's not allowed to move it for awhile.
She's being so brave for us and we're so proud of her.
What I didn't appreciate was the condescending condolences.
We REALIZED Noa cannot be allowed to jump anymore. No couch. No bed. No curbs.
We DEFINITELY will not let her go up on the shoe cabinet (where she must have fallen from) no more. She loves the spot. She'd sit on top and look out the window. Many times she'll get up there, sit and watch the world go by or cats roaming about.
We beat ourselves up enough for this to even happen, so OBVIOUSLY, having her joint dislocated is a "well received" wake up call.
We're not clueless.
So if you haven't got anything nice to say, just shut up and pray.
Breaks my heart as she howled in pain...
Breaks my soul when the option of
(1) putting her under for a long surgery...
(2) or under enough anesthesia to pop it back in place...
(3) or leave her be so her dislocated joint will have to bear a long process of pain to fit in its off-position in which she'll end up having an awkward leg to move around or snuggle herself in...
Problem with (1), there's a high risk of putting a dog her age under g.a. It compromises her organs and she might not wake. It will be a long tedious surgery.
Problem with (2), as with (1), except she'll be under for like an hour or so. The vet also emphasized that this option has the highest failure rate. Her bones are getting old and her socket is shallow. Which means, it may pop out of position again. We could repeat this process many times, which means the risk when she goes under every time.
Problem with (3), we find it hard to deal with the fact that she will be in pain until she gets used to the fact that her joint will never be in position ever again.
We needed an option that fixes her pain fast. She couldn't stand and cries when she tried to move. So we decided on (2). Put her leg back into position, and thus, began our prayers.
Tears of relief when I got the call from the hospital and said that Noa is up and we can pick her up.
It's only been 10 hours since we brought her home. She's restless, but doing well. Bet she feels real awkward with her fixed leg bound. She's not allowed to move it for awhile.
She's being so brave for us and we're so proud of her.
What I didn't appreciate was the condescending condolences.
We REALIZED Noa cannot be allowed to jump anymore. No couch. No bed. No curbs.
We DEFINITELY will not let her go up on the shoe cabinet (where she must have fallen from) no more. She loves the spot. She'd sit on top and look out the window. Many times she'll get up there, sit and watch the world go by or cats roaming about.
We beat ourselves up enough for this to even happen, so OBVIOUSLY, having her joint dislocated is a "well received" wake up call.
We're not clueless.
So if you haven't got anything nice to say, just shut up and pray.
Friday, November 26, 2010
He's Just Not That Into You / Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1 / My Thinking Space
What is your current profession and how did you choose your career path (where did you study, learn, become inspired)?
I'm a housewife, for about 4 months now. It was a difficult decision, coming from a feminist working era, in this country at least. Almost everyone I know of my age are out there making a namesake for themselves. Earning the bucks. I have not had the smoothest career path I must say. But I did enjoy some of those times clocking in 9 to 6, waitressing, zookeeping, show presenting, vet assisting, teaching, hospitality marketing.
I graduated with a Diploma in a major I did not learn to appreciate at all. I didn't have the brains for it and I'm fine with that.
I learn mainly from life experiences. The heart breaks, the politics, the passion for certain details, music, movies, people I've crossed paths with.
My husband inspires me. He's smart, geeky and has a very high tolerance for my sometimes dramatic idealism/fascism. He is currently pursuing his PHD and we have Noa, a Shiba Inu. We love her so much but she's been having this skin problems that doesn't seem to be going away as quickly as we would like it to be. I couldn't handle work (from my last job) because I was worrying endlessly about her condition (she would scratch and bite herself sore, add on political issues at work) and I'm extremely anal about having things done a certain way at home. Things were just getting too much to handle so I decided to let one thing go; my job. And now I focus on taking care of the house, the husband and Noa. It's been working out. I'm reading more. Gaining perspectives, always a good thing.
Where did you grow up? How did it influence who you are today?
I grew up here in Singapore, born Malaysian. I get to see how living on both sides of the counties is like. I must say, I am luckier than I thought. I got the better part of education (more like advanced than better I'd say) and security here. I get to live a stress free life when I visit my relatives back in Malaysia, where the farm animals roam and people leading a slower pace. But I'd much rather a more open space where there's no shoving, no lousy public behaviors, dog friendly, nature loving place. Coming from where I am, I've learned to appreciate all those things when the universe presents it. Even in this small, uptight country.
What are you passionate about?
Photography, playing house mistress, learning the world, the urge to psycho analyse people.
What was the last thing that made you laugh?
My geeky husband.
Why have you chosen this as your thinking space?
There's always all sorts of thoughts going through in my mind and sometimes, it's better left unsaid, and blog.
I'm a housewife, for about 4 months now. It was a difficult decision, coming from a feminist working era, in this country at least. Almost everyone I know of my age are out there making a namesake for themselves. Earning the bucks. I have not had the smoothest career path I must say. But I did enjoy some of those times clocking in 9 to 6, waitressing, zookeeping, show presenting, vet assisting, teaching, hospitality marketing.
I graduated with a Diploma in a major I did not learn to appreciate at all. I didn't have the brains for it and I'm fine with that.
I learn mainly from life experiences. The heart breaks, the politics, the passion for certain details, music, movies, people I've crossed paths with.
My husband inspires me. He's smart, geeky and has a very high tolerance for my sometimes dramatic idealism/fascism. He is currently pursuing his PHD and we have Noa, a Shiba Inu. We love her so much but she's been having this skin problems that doesn't seem to be going away as quickly as we would like it to be. I couldn't handle work (from my last job) because I was worrying endlessly about her condition (she would scratch and bite herself sore, add on political issues at work) and I'm extremely anal about having things done a certain way at home. Things were just getting too much to handle so I decided to let one thing go; my job. And now I focus on taking care of the house, the husband and Noa. It's been working out. I'm reading more. Gaining perspectives, always a good thing.
Where did you grow up? How did it influence who you are today?
I grew up here in Singapore, born Malaysian. I get to see how living on both sides of the counties is like. I must say, I am luckier than I thought. I got the better part of education (more like advanced than better I'd say) and security here. I get to live a stress free life when I visit my relatives back in Malaysia, where the farm animals roam and people leading a slower pace. But I'd much rather a more open space where there's no shoving, no lousy public behaviors, dog friendly, nature loving place. Coming from where I am, I've learned to appreciate all those things when the universe presents it. Even in this small, uptight country.
What are you passionate about?
Photography, playing house mistress, learning the world, the urge to psycho analyse people.
What was the last thing that made you laugh?
My geeky husband.
Why have you chosen this as your thinking space?
There's always all sorts of thoughts going through in my mind and sometimes, it's better left unsaid, and blog.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo / Greenzone / Ghost Town
After seeing how life can be a lot worst, I feel like the smallest person on Earth. Especially right before that, I was just bitching away about some petty shit. The same old crap which I should already have put it behind me.
As if fighting politically isn't enough. I may have just finally put the pettiness to rest. I'll probably regress. I'm just gonna have to remember to tell myself that there are bigger problems out there. Real huge.
People being used as pawns in their political games (gains) is just sick. That's on a bigger scale, like governing. Going to war and stuff.
On a smaller scale, I know the only reason why some families are civilize with each other, because they NEED each other. Always having a 'gracious' excuse at the back of their plotting minds. Always with the family ties for any obligations. The guilt trips. Vicious.
Oh look at me regressing already.
For goodness's sake, can be a pretty convenient of an excuse.
'Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.' - Albert Einstein
I just prayed for all whom I love and loves me.
As if fighting politically isn't enough. I may have just finally put the pettiness to rest. I'll probably regress. I'm just gonna have to remember to tell myself that there are bigger problems out there. Real huge.
People being used as pawns in their political games (gains) is just sick. That's on a bigger scale, like governing. Going to war and stuff.
On a smaller scale, I know the only reason why some families are civilize with each other, because they NEED each other. Always having a 'gracious' excuse at the back of their plotting minds. Always with the family ties for any obligations. The guilt trips. Vicious.
Oh look at me regressing already.
For goodness's sake, can be a pretty convenient of an excuse.
'Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.' - Albert Einstein
I just prayed for all whom I love and loves me.
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