Shut your fucking mouth

I haven't been feeling like this for awhile now...

I knew I shouldn't be home early last night cos I knew he'd be home.

I was in the middle of watching Charmed (Phoebe's high school reunion) adventure when he asked if I could spare half an hour. I could've said no cos I wanna fucking watch the gurls (they just look so good on TV) but my 7th sense is hinting it's got something to do with what I thought it was, and it's urging me...

"... You got a Indian boyfriend ah..." (don't mind the broken English)

Challenging him, I said, yeah...?

Then blah blah blah I got pissed and raised my voice in defense and he got pissed and raised his voice just cos he's a father.

Heres why: My father, has a third-world-generation thinking. For example, Chinese and Indian, big nono. (So much for an example huh)

Basically, what he thinks doesn't matter to me. I hated him for what he did. And I still do. My intention of obliging to his little request was to just let him yak away and phase out since I'll never understand what he's trying to say (I never do. Or just refuse to). But because we got off on the wrong foot, correction, he got off stepping on MY foot, what do I do? How dare he.

How dare he come to me, and INSIST on telling me how he feels. I don't give a shit if it bothers him. I don't give a shit if it makes him uncomfortable. But when he's got nothing else better to back his defenseless statement, of course, left with no choice, so obviously defensively pointed out, that I did what I did because I don't like this family. I snapped. Like, where the fuck did that come from?! So I haven't been home as often as I would like to. Because of you. You've been missing in action for the last 6 years, suddenly, you're home at 8pm almost everyday, gorging on whatever Mom cooked for dinner, and now, you expect me to listen to you ranting your 2-cents worth, and just nod like I always do when I was young and ignorant of the world around me.

Too bad for you, I've grown, and learnt everything I need to know, without your help. In fact I'm glad you weren't around. I would've been the same person I despise now. So I'm not gonna shut up, and just let you talk. You are gonna listen to me.

The argument went on to him blabbering away about the different culture shit and I of course, despising the fact that he is so shallow, took the effort to explain to him that I know what I wanted, to I'm-not-going-out-with-an-Indian-because-I-hate-this-family (I do not hate mom or my sisters) shit, to this-is-my-life-you-don't-know-me-so-stay-the-hell-outta-it.

Finally, he gave up trying to explain whatever the fuck, that he will get someone else to talk to me. Uncle Christbert. I scoffed. I don't hate the guy. But he doesn't know me either.

We argued somemore. Finally I couldn't bear his bullcrap anymore, I commanded him to stop and puhleeease go ahead and let Uncle Chris talk to me instead. Whoever. Listening to him rabble just pisses me off even more.

Bottomline is, he is unhappy. And of course, I refuse to settle with just hearing him out, This is a two way street.

Anyone can advise me with their 2-cents worth, ultimately, the decision is mine to make. I will not stop walking the path I have chosen to walk. I will not be told what to do. I'm a Libran for God's sake. I fight a war with myself in my head enough. Once I've got my mind made up, there's no turning back unless I want to.

After about 3 hours, the "conversation" ended quite peacefully. I've said my piece. I pray to God he's bothered with what I said. I didn't need him talking to me in the first place.

As much as I hate to admit it, the episode with dad did bother me in some ways. I hate confrontations. Especially when I'm not ready. I need to be prepped. But what's happened happened. I've play the conversations back and fro for sometime already. I feel alot better now. I did not regret whatever I said. But what a pity, I've had my chances (telling him I hate him). I'm glad I didn't though. Mom wouldn't be too happy about it.

I wish he'd just lose his voice and shut the hell up for good for snoring that loud you'd feel the rooms vibrating.

I miss Mom... I miss sister S... I miss Puppy...

Sister G's gonna be home soon so I don't miss her that much. Heh.

PMS-ING

I refused to wake when I had to. Resulting panic-strickened me, stepping into freshly laid cement just outside the lift on the ground floor. Speaking of getting out of the wrong side of the bed. FUCK YALL RETARDS! Well, to give em some credits, they told me to be careful just when I was gonna step out. TOO LATE! They also said it's okay. Well... MY SNEAKS AREN'T O.KAY.

My mood wasn't as bad when I stepped into the office, logged into my MSN account, and Jude i.m. me the same thing he ALWAYS FUCKING SAY. "I'm bored." Oh fuck you.

I don't know the retard. We must have chatted on IRC millions of decades ago. That's why he's on my msn list. Wait a minute, I checked, and he isn't on my msn list. So how can he see me? I'm gonna find a way and block him.

Usually, during one of those boring days when the retard's "I'm bored" greeting line doesn't bother me, I'd take some effort, have him entertained, for the sake of my own entertainment. Today is one of those boring days. But with PMS... I tried challenging myself to have this retard entertained.

Me: So tell me something I shouldn't know.
Retard: What kinda things?

ARRRRRRRRRGGHHHHH!!!!! I ALREADY ASKED RIGHT!!!!! Then...

Retard: Busy?
Me: Very.

I wasn't. I was looking for entertainment elsewhere. Retard apologizes (he thought I was busy. stupid.) and I told him it's okay and to go look for entertainment somewhere else.

Retard: are you pissed at me?
Me: Nah. The hell would I be.

I was thinking, Yes. Because you're stupid.

It was only awhile later that I realized I'm PMS-ING. It's not just PMS. Stupidity do frustrates me.

I told Puppy I think I'm PMS-ING. Puppy, of course, being the sweetest thing ever, offered to buy me something to cheer me up. Now, I really do appreciate the thought but I don't want him buying me stuffs to cheer me up. Probably because, firstly, I might be able to cheer up if he just surprise me instead. Secondly, in this state that I am, nothing will be able to lighten my mood up. Except ranting. And because of my second prob, I don't wanna risk having Puppy waste his efforts.

One way to deal with women's PMS is to let her have her way. Men, don't worry. It won't last long. Well at least it won't for me. I'm the loveliest girlfriend anyone could ever have when I'm not PMS-ING.

Okay a buncha cheques just came in. Work!

I hate hormones.

Highlights of the week

Saturday.

We (me and pups) headed downtown to Wisma Atria early noon, where Singapore's Bridget Jone's competition was held. Angel was one of the top 5 chosen. We (me, puppy and M.Lady) were there to give our support.

No offence, but there was no competition at all. They don't even looked Bridgy. Not sweet. Not pretty. No. No. No. The one white chick contestant did the sexy grooves to the music. Eehhg. Wrong. Not Bridgy. We thought Angel nailed it but noooo. Judges are idiots. They can't fucking judge. Call me bias if you will. I'm entitled to my opinion and most of the time I'm right.

After which, Angel and M.Lady had to get to an Arab wedding. Puppy and I caught Polar Express. What an adventure! The whole journey was like, whao! And so heart warming... I refused to cry.

Met Bern at Tattoo later in the evening. Drank. Took a stroll down to 3 Monkey's Cafe for dinner and watched Chelsea took on Charlton. 4 nil to Chelsea. Yay!

Sunday.

Caught Mama Mia @ Esplanade. Enjoyed it more than I thought I would. The colours was brilliant... the music (ABBA) so... wow. All thanks to Angel! Yay!

***********************************

That was pretty much the highlight of the week. Took the day off yesterday. Played football and Sims with puppy most of the night and day. It was nice... can't wait to see puppy soon... Still feeling burnt out. From work. I'm just being lazy.

Will you cry if I die

I was just thinking... how much am I worth to everyone I know and love. My best friend, close friends, my sisters, mom, aquaintances, my admirers, my bosses, my grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunties, will they shed tears if I die?

I imagined someone close to me dies... saddistic... but I wanna be prepared (it's gonna happen). Everyone of them has influenced my life in so many different ways. How do you feel complete when a part of you dies? I will be a different person...

In a way, I can't wait for this era of my life. We'll never know how much something or someone meant to us untill it's gone... and I wanna know how much something or someone, anyone, meant to me... what other ways is there?

Especially when it comes to the most important thing in my life...

I'm scared.

It's raining...

So cold... I can't wait! 49 more ninutes to 1800h. I wanna see puppy! I wanna be embraced in his arms! Even the thought of it warms me up...

Lemme update a little bit on the last weekend.

Striprise birthday party at Swissotel for MeL! Yup! We got her a stripper. Raunchy. Although, I was a tad bit dissappointed. Not that I was expecting much. But it was entertaining enough to get all of us screaming and cheering. I was pretty flushed up! A naked man (wasn't really expecting much else) and a beer. I'm quite a cheap drunk. Everyone else was pretty flustered by midnight. But the party spirit didn't simmer a bit. Music playing loud enough for M.Lady, Angel and gang to do the shuffle. It was a funny sight. At least to me. Or maybe its the beer.

Poor puppy knocked his uncut pinky toe against something and half the nail was loosened. Ouch ouch ouch. He was having a bit of a headache as well so we decided to stay overnight at his crib.

Other than the unfortunate incciddent, I enjoyed myself. It was lovely. Nice. Lovely. Yeap lovely.

K I can't remember anything else thats happened and 35 more minutes till I get outta work. Been a busy day (print order's day). So, I'm gonna chello.

I'm happy

I awoke to the alarm ringing to "Donau Waltz" at 0745 and finally (agonizngly. really.) called in sick at work. I wasn't sick. Just felt sick. Slept in somemore to a bad dream for another 4 hours.

I dreamt about a raided mall. Cops (in civilian clothing) everywhere. The bad boys messing up the place. I remember taking this weird old medieval-time-machine-like lift. Remember being in the shower with puppy after a game with a bayi friend of mine (who had a girl friend who looked exactly like Britney Spears and I introduced her to puppy). Remember having a fight with puppy in the shower (can't rememeber what it was about). Puppy left. I tried to get him back. Calling, messaging. Even when he sees me he tries to aviod looking at me. Refused to speak to me. Had a feeling he ran away with the Britney lookalike. And I seek solace in that bayi friend.

I felt horrible. I felt the pain I felt 3 days ago when the world crumbled down on me, took my heart and smashed and tore it into pieces so small I didn't think I could have the strength to put'em back together again. But since I took the day off and was gonna spent it with puppy I was determined not to spoil the day any further. Went over to pup's. Later in the afternoon we went down to Serangoo Plaze to see pup's dadulus (who was hanging with his friend) and took about 20 minutes walk (along Little India) back to his shop. It was scorching hot but it was interesting (I've never been to this part of the island for the past 20 years I've been living in).

Passed by one of this punjabi clothing store with this female attendant. Pretty. But looking bitchy. The kinda look that pretty much makes you wanna go up to her and ask her if you owe her anything. Suddenly it dawned on me, that I never knew if puppy has any interest in punjabi gurls. Most of'em are pretty. Of course, I've noticed he checks out white chicks more.

Bride and the Prejudice was a bad movie. I wouldn't say it sucks. It's just bad. The story didn't make sense. I just didn't get it! One moment they're like this, the next like that, without any particular link in between. I get why it's going on but I don't get what's going on! It was a movie made for their own entertainment. I meant the crews. They seemed like they enjoyed it more than the audience did. To give it some credit, it was funny. Not HAHAHA funny. But it did crack me up here and there. I wasn't pissed. Which is good.

Changed my tongue stud to a smaller one. 40 bucks for a 13mm. There weren't much of a choice. All with ball bearings. Only different colours. Picked the silver one. Of course. Chilled at Tattoo for a bit. At that moment life seemed so beautiful talking about life. Talking about respect for the men in our family (my grandpa, mom's dad). Talking about growing up. I'm actually looking forward to growing old and see which friend's gonna die first. Saddistic. But so amazing. My god life is amazing...

I love puppy. I truely do. Only he can make life seemed so beautiful and adventurous for me... Thank you puppy... for seeing me...

Walls are built. A new beginning?

Let's see. How do I put this. I'm relieved. But dead. I'm happy. But I'm not. I'm scared. Yes. That's it. I'm scared of falling. Not just falling. I'm scared of falling onto a bed of roses. Intoxicatingly painful. Beautiful. And lethal. The heart tears and breaks under its mercy. You can't remember to breathe. There is no time to find oblivion to the torture. But here I am again. This magical addiction. When will I learn? Is having the heart torn and scarred over and over again not enough? Somethings are just so hard to let go. What to do. It's life. Maybe I haven't been guarding myself. I let myself go too much and dugged my own grave pit a bit too deep too fast. From now on, I will make a concious effort. I'm gonna fill the pit with fluffy pillows as I dig. That feels abit comforting...