Uhhhh...

Last week on my way home, I saw 2 of my old high school mates. I thought one of'em looked rather familiar but because the train was crowded, I couldn't really call out to'em. As the train clears out, one of'em saw me and called my name. Yay. They remembered. I got off my seat to join'em. They just stared.

"Whaaaaat... why yall staring at me like that?!"

Stare stare. Look look. Stare.

"What what whaaaat?!!"

"You've changed... alot...", one of them finally said.

I blushed and denied.

I have changed quite abit. Alot of old friends who'd recognize me would tell me that.

"More confident," the same one said.

I guess as you grow you get use to the world. And it has been a long, long time.

I'll be seeing alotta old friends sometime this weekend at ex-wife's 21st birthday chalet and I'm half dreading it cos, well, I really don't wanna be dealing with anymore you've changed's.

I dreamt of us (me and pups) getting married. Actually, rehearsing for our wedding ceremony. It's gonna be in the swimming pool. It was deep, and I felt this anxiety about the pool. Me and pups, the bridesmaid and best man are supposed to waddle towards the middle of the pool where the minister was waiting and where he'll be pronouncing us husband and wife. I was having a difficult time keeping my head above the suface after awhile and started to sink.

Because I was sinking, someone said we should take a break. I was swimming to the edge to catch my breath, puppy was already there, talking to his mother. She was not the same woman I know in real life.

Before I forget, very important, in the dream, puppy's physique was...wwhhhhhhaaooooo... *drools*

In the dream, I know I did not have a good relationship with his "mother" (vice versa in real life) and puppy was a full time mommy's boy. So as I swam towards the edge, towards him, I heard her telling him to, "..make sure when you marry her over, she cleans the dishes, do the laundry...," bacially, she thinks I'm a maid. I got pissed, told puppy that the wedding's off. And I waddled off in the opposite direction and ran away.

That wasn't the end of the dream but the point was pretty much it. Throughout the dream I was feeling this unspeakable anxiety. Not about the wedding (you'd think it's a good omen), about something I can't seem to put my tongue on it.

Now those of you who believes in dream interpretation, you'd think I've brought my hidden emotions (about something I felt) into my concious mind. I'd think otherwise. I think I've been haunted.

Come to think of it, I haven't been feeling myself lately. I felt as if a part of my soul is trapped in another dimensions. I've been phasing out and... I just felt... missing. I don't know if I've brought bad spirits upon me (unknowingly). And I have a feeling that the dreams I've been having these days (although adventurous, but dreadful), might have something to do with these... bad spirits. And when I wake, I feel incomplete.

I was pretty oblivious about it till Sunday. I'm not sure if it's just pup's mom's moodiness that was affecting me or because I just felt dirty (it was quite a humid day and I was too lazy to bathe). At the end of the day, I went home, took a shower, made sure I scrubbed myself clean before I hit the sack. I talked to god before I dozed. And I felt better.

I was told that having dreams of any kind of wedding is not a good omen. I checked it up on a couple of dream dictionary sites and one of'em described it as negative, a sign of death or funeral. I remember passing by a funeral when we (me, pups and pup's mom) were going for dinner on Sunday. Literally it just explained itself.

Full description: To dream of a wedding is a sign of a death and a funeral. There are various other meanings, but this one has always been the cardinal rule for weddings as they symbolize new beginnings, but only at the cost of the death of the former 'life'. This death could mean various types of endings, not necessarily that of the body.

I passed by a funeral literally, but it also didn't have to mean that of a body... so what is it? I'm still trying to figure out what part of my life is coming to an end and brewing towards a new beginning...

Puppy's getting his tattoo done today on his inner forearm; Till I collapse. I can't wait to see it.

Smile smile

Went to see puppy last night. I was a bit hesitant about it though cos I didn't know if I was ready to see or talk to him yet. But it's been 4 days and I missed him a hell lot. So much I felt lethargic the whole time. Numb and whatever-ish.

We talked about what happenned. And it's all good. I'm satisfied. He seemed satisfied. We're happy again. I feel fine now. I really do. In every aspect of the word.

It's already 7pm and I'm still lurking around in the office. Speaking of lurking... hmmm... another blog maybe. Gotta ciao.

S.I.G.H.

Noticed I've been using the word 'rut' alot. I never knew what it really meant untill I checked the dictionary.

1. An annually recurring condition or period of sexual excitement and reproductive activity in male deer.
2. A condition or period of mammalian sexual activity, such as estrus.
3. A sucken track or groove made by the passage of vehicles.
4. A fixed, usually boring routine.

I like how the word 'rut' sound with how I wanted to express it so, I'm not gonna stop using the word the way I wanna use it.

PJ's first day at work today!!! I just remembered. Heh. I'm very proud and happy of/for the lil rut. She got the job she wanted and lets hope she doesn't forget us when she gets up there! Heh. Nah. I have faith in all of us: The Gang.

I'm still feeling very moody about the situation between me and pups. Haven't really been talking to each other but there is a bit of messaging here and there. Dunno how things will go between us. I'm letting time do it's thang.

It's been a slow week and alot has been going on in my head (relationship wise and other stuffs which I somehow managed to link them with) and I... forgot.

Fuck it. How 'bout some comforting snack instead.

HERSHEY'S Creamy Milk Chocolate.

I dreamt I had a pet shark, who'd wag it's fin :)

Love sucks

We pigged out at Sakura's. Satisfying meal (tom yam chicken soup, kailan with oyster sauce, hotplate beancurd, hotplate black pepper chicken, fried wanton, fried baby squid) indeed. Mango Tropicana for dessert, then we hit the arcade. Raced abit and made the dudes jumped DDR (Dance Dance Revolution). Funny sight (hur hur hur!) Princess and I cracked up quite a bit.

Got the birthday boy 2 tees. One with a shot-down cupid with a message Love sucks, and the other, black, with some kinda, guard-ish design. Can't describe much. Basically, it's cool.

Wasn't anything big but it was good spending time together.

Side's that, not a lovey dovey weekend for moi. Love sucks.

: )

Just had one of the richest chocolate cake ever. It was to celebrate The Economist (I think) hitting the one million copies (of magazines?) circulated in Asia target. M.Lady and Angel would've appreciated it (the cake) as much (probably more) as I had. On the other hand, M.Lady's probably enjoying JJ at this moment even more *grins*

I'm satisfied... *pats beer belly*

Moose's birthday dinner tomorrow. Still trying to decide which pig-out to go (Sakura's or Swenson's). Haven't even got him a gift yet. Meeting Princess after work.

PS2 would've made the perfect gift for the boy but we're all short. Because of his duties in camp, can't afford to plan anything big. What a 21st.

Stomach ache...

Need to pee...

Later!

!@#$%^&*

Printed on one of the pages in Recruits, big and bold; ANIMAL KEEPER. I'm looking at it, and something in me still stirs even though I have already made up my mind. (Finally, after having to split my head the whole night.)

How do you choose between a job that pays you enough to pay off bills, split allowance with mommy and still live fairly comfortably financially, but it's only a part time job, and a job which pays you peanuts, but a career you've been dreaming of since the time you knew love?

I have been waiting for this moment and here it is. Right smack in the middle of my life. I was exhilarated. I starting imagining myself cleaning up those piles of shit, chopping up fruits and vegetables packed away in red buckets, having foam parties with the rhinos and the elephants, playing with the chicks and ducks, talking to the horses, hogging and sweating and worrying about smelling like pigs, getting bitten by snakes and porcupines...

My dream life, once again for the millionth time flashing through my head as I read the job scope.

And once again I have to put it aside.

The only thing I'm complaning about the current job is that it's boring. The money is good. The people in the office are pleasant. Most times I'm thankful for the amount of free time I have on hand at work so I can blog shit and surf crap.

At the same time, I'm so so so drawn to waking up early in the morning (SMILING NOT GROANING) knowing I'm gonna spend the whole day working with the four/six/seven leggeds! And sacrificing time with puppy? Reducing allowance for mommy? And probably be broke all the damn time?

I was so excited about the opoortunity that despite knowing fully well that I have more to lose than gain if I take it up, I still want it. I didn't want to care if I'm gonna be broke all the time. I didn't want to care if I won't get to see puppy as much cos it makes no difference to our situations even now, I didn't want to care if I had to cut down on the allowance for mom. I didn't want to care about anything except for my own undying passion.

I was almost 100% set on going for the interview today. I was worried about what I'd tell puppy. What am I gonna say? That I didn't care? BUT I DO!

After talking to puppy about it, a part of the load was lifted off my chest; Puppy reminded me, that the reason why I was feeling the way I was (stuck and hopeless even though a part of me was still hopeful, in another words, shitty) is because I made a commitment. I made a commitment to the job that I have now. I stopped actively looking for a space in the zoo because I told myself that I'll stick to this for as long as the job will keep me. There is nothing to lose. I have a job and I'm earning more than a standard part-timer would earn in a month. I'm financially independent (the one thing which will be very difficult for me to let go of)!

Another consolation would be, according to Amb, the zoo opens up for volunteers once every year. Chances of being part of the crew is still, well, achievable!

Untill I'm ready for that kind of commitment, I am truely, quite fairly content with the pay I am getting right now and as far as I am concerned, money comes into play at this moment for me.

It is the part where I want to be able to spend time with puppy, where I want to be able to give Mom a not-too-shabby allowance, where I want to be financially independent, that is holding me back.

As much as I'd like to have this dream come true, I'm in no hurry to smell like a pig.