!@#$%^&*

Printed on one of the pages in Recruits, big and bold; ANIMAL KEEPER. I'm looking at it, and something in me still stirs even though I have already made up my mind. (Finally, after having to split my head the whole night.)

How do you choose between a job that pays you enough to pay off bills, split allowance with mommy and still live fairly comfortably financially, but it's only a part time job, and a job which pays you peanuts, but a career you've been dreaming of since the time you knew love?

I have been waiting for this moment and here it is. Right smack in the middle of my life. I was exhilarated. I starting imagining myself cleaning up those piles of shit, chopping up fruits and vegetables packed away in red buckets, having foam parties with the rhinos and the elephants, playing with the chicks and ducks, talking to the horses, hogging and sweating and worrying about smelling like pigs, getting bitten by snakes and porcupines...

My dream life, once again for the millionth time flashing through my head as I read the job scope.

And once again I have to put it aside.

The only thing I'm complaning about the current job is that it's boring. The money is good. The people in the office are pleasant. Most times I'm thankful for the amount of free time I have on hand at work so I can blog shit and surf crap.

At the same time, I'm so so so drawn to waking up early in the morning (SMILING NOT GROANING) knowing I'm gonna spend the whole day working with the four/six/seven leggeds! And sacrificing time with puppy? Reducing allowance for mommy? And probably be broke all the damn time?

I was so excited about the opoortunity that despite knowing fully well that I have more to lose than gain if I take it up, I still want it. I didn't want to care if I'm gonna be broke all the time. I didn't want to care if I won't get to see puppy as much cos it makes no difference to our situations even now, I didn't want to care if I had to cut down on the allowance for mom. I didn't want to care about anything except for my own undying passion.

I was almost 100% set on going for the interview today. I was worried about what I'd tell puppy. What am I gonna say? That I didn't care? BUT I DO!

After talking to puppy about it, a part of the load was lifted off my chest; Puppy reminded me, that the reason why I was feeling the way I was (stuck and hopeless even though a part of me was still hopeful, in another words, shitty) is because I made a commitment. I made a commitment to the job that I have now. I stopped actively looking for a space in the zoo because I told myself that I'll stick to this for as long as the job will keep me. There is nothing to lose. I have a job and I'm earning more than a standard part-timer would earn in a month. I'm financially independent (the one thing which will be very difficult for me to let go of)!

Another consolation would be, according to Amb, the zoo opens up for volunteers once every year. Chances of being part of the crew is still, well, achievable!

Untill I'm ready for that kind of commitment, I am truely, quite fairly content with the pay I am getting right now and as far as I am concerned, money comes into play at this moment for me.

It is the part where I want to be able to spend time with puppy, where I want to be able to give Mom a not-too-shabby allowance, where I want to be financially independent, that is holding me back.

As much as I'd like to have this dream come true, I'm in no hurry to smell like a pig.