2008

The year had been quite a ride.
Hearts were broken.
Minds confused.
Dates happened.
Crushes, diffused.
Then love reformed.
Goals, reaffirmed.
Hopes replenished.
Life renewed!

:)

Christmas Light

I hope she finds her light this Christmas.

Like I did.

Moments

There are kids who get on my nerves like an ant biting into my skin.

Smart, rude kids. Not because they meant to be (rude), at least I'd like to believe, but probably because they didn't get enough patience from mom and dad.

Goldfish is 6, pretty and bossy. She'd command, instead of ask. I've heard her commanded for her father to "bring my shoe." I'd find myself restraining to sudden intense bloodflow at times when they get too much (smart) for me to handle.

Yesterday was the bowling trip with the Mainspringers. Nothing much except for the usual warnings given out to specific few and loud bursts of "NOBODY MOVES UNLESS YOU'RE TOLD TO OR YOU'LL STAY ON THE BUS." I surprised them (and myself) at how loud I get sometimes.

What almost made my day or melted my ironed heart was when Goldfish handed me her roll of Mentos and told me to "take one". I was thinking, what, like you can't take one yourself? So to give her the benefit of the doubt, I asked, "you want one?" She shook her head. I asked again, "you wanna give me one?" She nodded.

And she's back on my good book.

Then as I was busy handling the 7 year old amateurs, this adorably chubby and smart and gives a little attitude sometimes kid, offered me her chips. I shook my head and said no thank you, she insisted, I persisted, and she stuffed a chip into my mouth. Just like that.

I chuckled at her cool sweetness.

Then as I made my way to the back of the bus to check on the boy who was having gastric, an older kid, who's been *ahem* a fan of mine, gave me a hug. Just for the heck of it. She's always been sweet this girl.

Moments like these made me feel life in a very subtle way.

Been missing the zoo terribly...

Merry Christmas everyone.

It was...

"In token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love, with this ring, I marry you..."

:)

Remember remember, the 15th of November!

Starfish and I are now lawfully wedded :)

All those close to heart had gathered at Dallas this faithfully beautiful night to witness the holy union. And yours truely almost threw a huge fit about the terribly managed music. The staff had no idea what they were doing. I didn't know what they were doing. Starfish didn't know what they were doing.

Good thing Alex (bar manager) came to the rescue in the midst of me fixing up the stereo's wires before I completely lose it.

Anything can go wrong but my music.

But then come to think of it, the night was perfect in almost every other aspect. Everyone whom starfish and I had adored were there. Including one of starfish's best bud from Taiwan along with his adorable beau. Speaking of whom, we had fun bringing them around and hanging.

And most importantly on this night, I married the man I truely want to spend the rest of my bitchiest life with.

I'm happy.

The only thing that's really bugging me right now is that I can't remember the full oath before I slid that ring onto starfish's finger...

"I... love... abiding trust... and with this ring, I marry you."

Tropic THUNDERRRRR

I resisted the urge to applaud when it was over because I was too fucking self-conscious in this awefully-dull-unappreciative-judgemental society.

It was brilliant.

After Starfish & I walked out of the theatre, we couldn't help bursting into short bursts of laughs replaying fragments of the movie.

Then it made me feel almost surreal-ly freaked when I was explaining who Lance (N'Sync) was to Starfish while crossing the pedestrian with this dude (infront of us) in tight strippy top, floppy cap and really tight jeans with really tight black nylon socks that goes thigh high OVER the jeans(?!)

Then I freaked again at the end of the pedestrian when I saw a man standing in front of one of those green bins, at a pee position (?!) No he wasn't peeing, according to Starfish. Phew!

I thought my world is just gonna get freakier after watching Tropic Thunder. I was on the lookout for anything else to freak me out.

Watch it. And you'll probably know what I mean.

Dream Dictionary: Shark

To see a shark in your dream, represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Alternatively, you may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. The shark symbolizes feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.

Mmhmm.

Ego Stroke

Reminiscing, teaching was a pretty self absorbing experience. I found it hard to concentrate on anything else but lesson planning. And when I stepped into the classes, there was a rush of... power. And it felt damn good.

I was Emperor.

Ok enough boasting. But it felt really good. I was conquering. A small part of it.

Teaching is a lifestyle. A full time lifestyle, which I find it hard to commit with other personal commitments.

It is an obvious ego stroking career. How some of us gets devoured by the attention we are getting. Some couldn't take the humiliation (wits) and turned aggressive. There were the few who had such a heart that they'd go the extra miles to help.

10 weeks of experience was the most fulfilling I have ever felt. And I still dream about it.

Currently I've been busy with the house.

Making trips to law firm to settle miscellaneous stuff.
Contacting contractors to clean out the house.
Head cracking up with all the financial decisions.
Dealing with unecessary opinions.
Fighting against temptation to blow up budget. (Blown some already).
And doing some long term planning, something I'm not very good at.
I'm better at trying to be optimistic.

Partay.

Our Lady Peace - Somewhere Out There

It took 3 weeks of trial out @ Mainspring. Then 10 weeks of practicum (as trained teachers would call it) @ a high school.

Experience gauge: OVERLOAD.

Almost pleasingly rewardingly overloaded. If it weren't for other personal commitments calling for urgent attention.

The preparation for the move has been as smooth as it could not have been. The pressure comes from inside the head. Worrying about the bits.

Ask me if I feel like a grown up. Not really. It's been hectic, but I'm loving the adventure.

Been dreaming about my students since I quit just before the school holidays. I do miss em. Miss what I could have accomplished.

But that's life right. Always having to make the toughest decision and making the most out of it.

Can't wait to see how the house is gonna turn out.

With Regards To...

My last post, it was horribly angrily written.

My friends, to have grown up together with them.

My family, to have been so open-mindingly supportive.

My career, to have it rolling at a somewhat comfotable pace if I don't think too much about it.

Starfish, to have kept me focus, made me nervous, and have me in bliss all these while.

I have a long way to go and I'm glad to have these people (& things) to keep me going.

The Artistic Death of an Innocent Animal

If you guys haven't heard, Guillermo Vargas Habacuc, a claimed artist from Costa Rica, tied up a stray emaciated dog in an art gallery.

******************************************************************
"Hello everyone. My name is Guillermo Habacuc Vargas. I am 50 years old and an artist.

Recently, I have been critisized for my work titled "Eres lo que lees", which features a dog named Nativity.

The purpose of the work was not to cause any type of infliction on the poor, innocent creature, but rather to illustrate a point.

In my home city of San Jose, Costa Rica, tens of thousands of stray dogs starve and die of illness each year in the streets and no one pays them a second thought.

Now, if you publicly display one of these starving creatures, such as the case with Nativity, it creates a backlash that brings out a big of hypocrisy in all of us.

Nativity was a very sick creature and would have died in the streets anyway."

Quoted from guillermohabacucvargas.blogspot.com

Natividad Canda was his name.

***********************************************************************

If you google this fucker's name, you will find that his work (this one in particular) is getting bombarded with criticisms from the hypocritical public, getting every other hypocrites to sign a petition against some sort of animal rights.

Every single google page. Right till to the last. It was all, but his artwork. I searched. You would think the internet would display certain paintings or sculptures of some sort. The dude is infamous.

Now that he has risked that quiet (humane) reputation with this sort of controversy, he is now known as the proclaimed artist who showcased cruelty.

Articles after articles, it was all about how he had tied this sick hungry dog up in an art gallery. Some say he'd starved Natividad Canda. One article claimed he had provided it food within its reach. Blah blah blah.

My question is, why does everyone pretend to care? What the fuck, is signing this petition going to do?

Don't get me wrong. I believe in petition against the civilized war, against environmental damages, domestic violence, fur hunting. But signing against artistic death of an innocent animal? Do they even understand the harshness of coming up with a controversial title like that? Are controversies to be signed against?

con - tro - ver - sy [kon-truh-vur-see] -noun, plural - sies.
1. a prolonged public dispute, debate or contention; disputation concerning a matter of opinion
2. contention, strife, or argument

Habacuc tied & accusingly starved Natividad Canda up and showcased his opinions in an art gallery. How wrong does this sentence sound? It sounds so wrong, that Habacuc should be put behind bars, or even to death, by the millions of animal activists.

Why isn't he? Furthermore he had won first prize to some title apparently.

Everyone is so goddamn caught up with the obligated morality, that the ONLY thing they can be bothered doing, is sign a petition. Someone kill the fucker then. He deserves it. Doesn't he? All animal activists wants him dead. So many of you (judging by the amount of petition that has been going around), not one of you can actually DO something about it?

And just how much has all those who has signed the petition been doing to help? Do you (after reading & signing the petition) take a sick dog home, feed and clean it and have it live its last moments in comfort? Do you take it to a vet and see if any amount of costly surgeries can save a life?

Do you, so-called, animal lovers, take it in stride to prove this so-called artist, wrong to have put up a sick animal on display; of your hypocrisies?

I shouldn't put it this way. I should say, if we, as human beings have been so great on helping the world get better, Habacuc wouldn't have to take a stray dog and starve (if he really did) it, and have you people watch it die. Like how you probably had when you have walked past a sick dog without a second thought, lying in some alley, waiting for death to end it's torment.

God bless those with the ability to do your part to help these poor animals.

Habacuc is trying to showcase hypocrisy in us human. And all you hyprocrites have proved him right. Natividad Canda have died in vain.

An artist can be a cruel thing.

Terrified. Petrified. Mortified. And stupified by you. - John Nash -

Watched: A Beautiful Mind.

Time flies and still feels like a long time.

Been out of job since the beginning of March. So what have I been doing?

Thinking. Alot.

And feeling negative.

I'm useless. Undetermined. Unmotivated. Easily annoyed. Depressed. Stupid. Broke. Cynical. Skeptical. More judgemental. Just plain unhappy with myself.

And it only melts away with ice-creamy and chocolatey moments. Oh also when I saw Fit, Fai and Fau on the streets of Orchard and my long time brofriend/guitar teacher Satish @ Chips (Tattoo revived!!).

Sleep tires me out with chains of nightmares. Day wears me with the incessant activities of its day.

I wanna get away to a beautiful beach where the sea is clear and the sand is white. Waves to surf and fish to eat.

Where my eyesight is perfect and my skin is clear.

Yesterday I spent 3 hours on ironing Starfish's shirts. They were crumpled and made me feel like ironing the creases out. If being a housewife is a professional job I may just consider doing it.

I don't like the term though. Housewife. I'd call it, Butlress (pron. But-erl-ress).

Hi, I'm a Butlress. I decorate, iron, clean, cook, massage, read, write, draw, travel for inspiration, I walk the dog, and sleep till anytime I want.

Do I sound desperate? I think I'm desperate.

I haven't felt this lost for awhile.

Eve 6 - Here's To The Night

So denied
So I lied
Are you the now or never type
In a day, in a day love, I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had
Are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast, to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line
Along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go
I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast, to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is frozen motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon

*********************************************************

Made a last minute decision last Sunday to crash Moose's class @ Monash University in Malaysia 2 days into the week. I was a complete niusance to Moose, just like the old days. Sunway's Inn was a small decent room with 1 window half the size of Moose which he had to pay an extra RM5.00 for it(-_-). I was really upset to find the toothpaste Eka had sacrificingly left for my tragically beautiful yellow-tinged teeth gone after I had left the room to be made. It may be just a toothpaste, but if I had left anything else in the room it could have gone missing too. Fortunately for my paranoia I took my whole luggage with me. It wasn't much with a couple of tops, my daily vanities and sneakers.

It was my first trip completely alone to Malaysia on Aeroline. What spurred the spontaneity was the lack of inspirations since I had quit my job. Besides the petty fun of beating the crap outta Moose for whatever reasons and just chilling with a really good buddy, Malaysia just wasn't the place to seek inspirations. I tried to do something to my hair for the sake of change, but time wasn't on my side. It was a 3 days 2 night trip.

I returned feeling no more than I felt when I left.

Savings are running low and I am feeling the pressure.

Crashed Starfish's Environmental Psychology class earlier this morning. Complaining and whining in my head as I blogged, checking him out now and then.

*I had attempted to blog in the class when blogger could not publish my post, I came back to the Starfish's crib and found my draft empty.*

So why am I not being active on job search?
Because I'm feeling damn uninspired to.
Past experiences had demoralized me so.
Leaders no longer play an inspiring leading role,
but an authoratative pushover.

I want a job that inspires passion and integrity.

Something Jack Black has when he's doing his thing.

On Love

"Run: You have to learn to let to the other person be right. When arguments gets nasty, the one who got the nastiest has to give the most energy to heal the other person's heart. Divorce happens when you hit a stalemate, when you're locking horns. Somebody has to swallow the pride and say, basically, I'm wrong." Taken from an article where I have lost the link to.

I guess what would be the arguement to the above statement is, who is gonna know, who got the nastiest.

I guess when you have decided to commit your heart & soul to your partner, you will know deep down into your conscience, who said "fuck you" more. Or rather, whoever felt more wronged, you're probably the one at wrong.

Starfish thinks it's weird for me to dip katsu chicken into wasabe. I think it's only legal to dip Japanese style fried chicken into Japanese sauce.

Moose is tempting me to crash his class at Monash.

And why BURNOUT (the work of God Almighty) completely rocks for me, is that they do not embed images of hot chicks. All those with me; *RAISES FIST* BUUUUUURRRRRRRRRN!!!!!!!!!!!

I Quit

Saturday morning, 8th March.

Another Saturday burnt to work. Only this time, it was 10 times more dreadful.

Starfish's surprise offer to accompany me to work did little to pull me out of my thoughts of misery.

The night before I had told him that I have decided to quit. It was a matter of time that I hand in my resignation letter. I had wanted to wait till the end of this month. I honestly did not expect to feel like this Saturday, would be the day.

15 minutes before I left for work, I had Starfish help me print out my resignation letter.

As I made my way to the clinic, I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe, I could pull through another day.

I stepped into the clinic, and the air thickened. I knew I had to hand in my resignation letter to the Mrs, and definately could not have stayed any longer to make this day my last working day at the clinic.

The deed was done. The Mrs was being very understanding about it. I walked out, feeling awkward, and relieved at the same time.

The whole experience at this clinic was a tremendous eye opener.

I realized pursuing a passion without a certain degree of study could be rather futile. I did not get my chance to be a full time vet assistant because the training was not as promised, the clinic is busy almost always, time is simply not on my side.

If the boss hadn't want to put me on administrative duties, I honestly think I would have still been trying my way around vet assisting. I was too discouraged to even try out administrative duties and patiently wait for that chance again.

The plan now is to take a break. Haven't had a proper break from work since I've started working. And to re-consider my career options once again.

Doing my best to bring in positivity within my thoughts.

Occupational Hazard

Non-academically-medically equipped, I walked into a world of medicines, surgeries, blood, death, maggots, impatient senior nurses, and admiringly-talented-at-first, but agonizingly-annoying-perfectionist-of a boss (vet) now.

2 months of dreadful, non-systematic, unclear instructions, demoralizing training to becoming a vet assistant, which was stated when I was first interviewed, takes 6 months.

2 months, and my optimism, willingness, integrity to learn, has been crushed to self-doubt. I lost confidence. And I am still struggling within these dark walls to regain my confidence, and not lose myself.

Many of those close to heart has adviced that I quit, and walk out with my integrity still barely intact. But somehow, I feel like there's much to challenge here. Perhaps I can change the system. Even if it is just a little. I am looking for a way.

The other part of me wants to move on & seek a more encouraging environment. Somewhere learning is encouraged.

I haven't been feeling very positive lately, with regards to my well-being at work. I'm contemplating between ignoring the situation as it is and just focus on what I was required to do, or be liberal with my concerns, for my own self-growth & well-being.

I need courage.

I wish I could count to ten

"I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Starwars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
And make everything be wonderful again..."

Everclear - Wonderful

Sometimes when you go into a spiral of bad thoughts, it's hard to get yourself out.

So I seek solace in Goo Goo Dolls' Slide, Everclear's Wonderful, Alanis Morisette's You Learn, Jewel's Standing Still...

Everything takes time. Everything. Learning, growing, understanding, accepting.

Time isn't exactly favoured. Everybody needs time. Everybody wants time. But it isn't favoured.

Time flies. Time drags. Time stretches the mind. Time forces you to take control.

Losing time means losing control. And I don't like losing it.

Time tells when you should feel relief. It tells when you're going completely psycho.

Time is precious. It never turns back.

*BREATHES*

I don't like the feeling of something being hidden from me.

I am sick. And I am not amazing.

I am grumpy. Annoyed. Frustrated. Exhausted.

I.want.to.be.pampered.

AND I AM NOT AMAZING.

Vet Assistant Day 1

I'm not loving it yet.

Puppies and rabbits were adorable. Miscarriaged cats and infected dogs are uneasy. Syringes and knocking the air outta em are non-fulfilling.

The jargons are Greek to me.

I don't feel like I belong, even when there were moments where the Pomenarian puppy I was carrying laid comfortably sleepily in my arms, when a Westie lick my face while holding on to him for examination. Although I must add, it didn't feel good when a Pekinese growled at me. I don't really blame him. He was trembling.

I just don't feel good.