So it's been another long while. Got the day off from work, hanging at The Starfish's, babysitting Noa, trying to get my thoughts for the past 2 months organized, and learn to plan for my future; 1 month ahead to begin with. Sounds like growing up to me.
Working at the zoo has been rather confusing for me. A mixed of emotions with regards. Frustration within contentment. Confusion within goals. Numbness within passion.
Starfish concluded I may be going through a transition period.
A passionate job that will pay off everything that is required to live life without materialistic pressure. Too greedy? Wishful thinking? I don't think so. I believe. I just have to keep searching.
*************************************************
The above was written more than a month ago. I had it saved as a draft, meaning to continue, and, well, here I am.
So I resigned from the one place where I thought would bring my life to fulfilment finally.
Since young I have always dreamed of being a zookeeper, amongst other glamorous ambitions.
Today, Singapore Zoo is just another disapoointment. It wasn't what I had dreamed. It was just another phase I had to go through. Which means to say, it was a great working experience while it lasted. It also made me see things as it is; entertainment business.
Conserving wasn't the matter. Business was very much it. So much so that it almost felt like 'conserving' was manipulated into 'business'. I'd hate to think it this way. Perhaps with my ignorant mindset that I feel that Singapore Zoo was less, or no longer about conservation.
I thought I could save myself from the disappointment by looking into a change of environment, a different department. Least to say, to my further disappointment, not only did they reject my transfer, I was almost discouraged from going into zookeeping. Why? Because it's tougher on the other side.
On the other hand there were the few who advised and encouraged. The few who sees the problem of the management, but can't bear to leave the animals they have been with. Kudos.
While looking for a way into zookeeping, I also opened up my career options; vet assisting, hospitality, stewarding etc.
Perhaps through much desperate thought, the universe found its voice to me. A buddy/cohort from zoo, told of a vet clinic looking for vet assistants (vet nurses to be exact, I just prefer the term 'assistant', less feminine). Figured this would probably be my chance.
Sent in my resume. Got a call the next morning. Went down for an interview the same day. And got confirmed the day after.
At this point I should be feeling quite excited about it. A career, where I work with animals (!)
So why am I not? Instead, I'm nervous. And not a pleasant one.
Perhaps it was the environment; definately not as spacious as the zoo. Perhaps it was the idea that this is my first full time job and I'm feeling intimidated. Or perhaps I have been disappointed by my own dream ambition.
Nonetheless, I got the job. A fresh start for the new year. I should be thankful. And that I am.
On another note, Starfish and I had never had our month-versary, because we'd never really know when we became official. But I like it this way. This will probably make Valentine's Day a little more special :)
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Realizing a dream (Day 3 & 4)
Was totally knackered on the 3rd day. Knocked out naked on my bed after I got out of shower.
3rd day was another day of husbandry; upper & snakes dens. It was interestingly laborious.
Today was script training. I sucked. Period.
I don't know how I am going to make it through the next 3 days. Gonna do my best nonetheless. My career path seems rather bleak at this moment. Probably because I'm feeling discouraged because I suck.
Gonna boost my ego with a little Ben & Jerry's (S'mores) and Royce chocolates and back to memorizing/practicing on my scripts before I knock out.
Yawnz...
3rd day was another day of husbandry; upper & snakes dens. It was interestingly laborious.
Today was script training. I sucked. Period.
I don't know how I am going to make it through the next 3 days. Gonna do my best nonetheless. My career path seems rather bleak at this moment. Probably because I'm feeling discouraged because I suck.
Gonna boost my ego with a little Ben & Jerry's (S'mores) and Royce chocolates and back to memorizing/practicing on my scripts before I knock out.
Yawnz...
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Realizing a dream (Day 2)
For the first time, I held a snake, Storm, a Royal Ball Python.
Was a little nervous at first. Took a few minutes to settle myself down with Storm. It was sweet.
Husbandry was laborious, as expected.
I felt this bond with Yaka, the puma. I thought she wanted to play with me. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, since I don't know how to read a puma's behavior yet.
Food prep is definitely not my favorite part of the job scope. Too much of meat even though I get a slight thrill seeing raw meat on documentaries.
John was helpful. The fact that he was new with me kinda helped eased some of my tension.
Still feeling rather apprehensive about this job though.
And missing the sungei orangs too.
Was a little nervous at first. Took a few minutes to settle myself down with Storm. It was sweet.
Husbandry was laborious, as expected.
I felt this bond with Yaka, the puma. I thought she wanted to play with me. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, since I don't know how to read a puma's behavior yet.
Food prep is definitely not my favorite part of the job scope. Too much of meat even though I get a slight thrill seeing raw meat on documentaries.
John was helpful. The fact that he was new with me kinda helped eased some of my tension.
Still feeling rather apprehensive about this job though.
And missing the sungei orangs too.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Realizing a dream (Day 1)
Shockingly political.
To think that I'm finally stepping up to realizing a dream, also means realizing politics at it's most prominent.
All these times I thought I've been lucky enough. Luck does run out. And always at the worst timing for me.
I only pray to not let it fray my focus.
1 day down, 6 more to go.
To think that I'm finally stepping up to realizing a dream, also means realizing politics at it's most prominent.
All these times I thought I've been lucky enough. Luck does run out. And always at the worst timing for me.
I only pray to not let it fray my focus.
1 day down, 6 more to go.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Greenday - Basket Case
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bones no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paraniod
Or am I just stoned
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dream
She said it's lack of sex that's bringing me down
I went to a whore
She said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cos it's bringing her down
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
A ya ya ya
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
**************************************************
Tried to take my mind off the whole post holiday depression, still, the universe seems to want to remind me of it; Ratatouille's Remy, Juls mentioning about his colleague, Yan. Replaying songs the jungle boys had played with their guitars.
Am I really cracking up.
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bones no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paraniod
Or am I just stoned
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dream
She said it's lack of sex that's bringing me down
I went to a whore
She said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cos it's bringing her down
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
A ya ya ya
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind play tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
**************************************************
Tried to take my mind off the whole post holiday depression, still, the universe seems to want to remind me of it; Ratatouille's Remy, Juls mentioning about his colleague, Yan. Replaying songs the jungle boys had played with their guitars.
Am I really cracking up.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Hardcore Borneo Style: Friendship & Adventure
Got back from the most memorable trip on Thursday night and I still haven't unpacked. I didn't want to unpack the memories...
Every step me and Bambie took, we were contemplating about turning back.
It was one of the hardest thing to do, leaving Kinabatangan, leaving the so charmingly down to earth jungle boys, leaving the jungle life and returning to city life.
What amazed me most was the fact that I didn't think it would have been such an amazingly breathtaking experience.
Sure I've always wanted to backpack, and this was my first backpacking trip, with Bambie, and meeting her 2 mates (Y.J & Neo) from the same zoo affinity. We were helluva retarded, had hella fun.
Sandakan was different from the Malaysia I know. It was kinder.
First 2 days were spent overnight at this humbly beautifully bohemianly decorated hostel (Sandakan Backpackers) located at Harbour Sqaure, just by the coast of the sea. Simply beautiful. We visited Agnes Keith's Tea & Breakfast house on top of a hill nearby, overlooking the sea. It was serene at it's best in a classy English environment, I fell asleep just sitting. Played a game of croquet after some delightful tea & desserts. How English were we.
Didn't get to visit Agnes Keith's House because it was RM2 for locals, and RM15 for foreigners. We were on a budget trip after all. Maybe the next time. Yes, there will be a next time.
Monday morning (30 August) we packed up, took some last shots from the backpackers suite, scribbled our appreciation on the welcomed army green wall, and made our way to Sepilok, where we were picked up & brought to our main destination of this trip; Uncle Tan's Wildlife Camp.
It was about 15 minutes ride from Sepilok to Uncle Tan's op base. At Uncle Tan's op base, we registered & fed ourselves. At this point of time, I was getting pretty excited.
After which at 1430h, it was an 1 hour road trip to Sungai Kinabatangan, and about 20 minutes speedboat ride in the rain, to Uncle Tan's Wildlife camp, where memories started and will forever etched in me and Bambie's mind.
We were greeted by young jungle guides, most of them not any older than me and Bambie. Their friendly nature was greatly appreciated. After all, I was feeling quite apprehensive about staying in the jungle for 3 days, with only having river water to shower with, huts with only mattresses & mosquito nets, minimal electricity provided, where lights will be out by 12 midnight, where toilets have no flush, where creepy crawlies can be seen creeping... *shudders*
It's Bambie's & Y.J's 2nd trip to Uncle Tan's wildlife camp, so I guess they pretty much know what to expect. Whereas for me, I was paranoid whenever I felt something dropped on my head or flew into my face. That was how it was like on the first day for me.
By the 2nd day I was pretty much getting used to things flying into my face, and still slightly squealy and feeling jumpy about it.
The morning boat ride down the river channels to catch wildlife in action (proboscis, silverleaf, macaque monkeys) was refreshing. The late morning jungle trekking was fun. The time spent after trekking was pretty much up to us to do whatever we want. So, we lazed. Like the monkeys did. It was getting warmer by noon after all.
Late afternoon boat ride down the stream again to catch more monkeys in action. Because of the high water level, we only spotted one crocodile which disappeared quickly under the water. No snakes were spotted. Hornbills, stocks, eagle of some sort and vibrant colored king fishers were quite a common sight.
Late night jungle trekking was quite a thrill. With the aid of only our torches through the dark jungle, our late night guide, Leo, managed to caught hold of a scorpion, a palm sized new spotted tarantula specie in the area, and walked us through many muddy spots, where I personally have problems with because I keep getting stuck. Bambie had to keep an eye on me, just in case I get left behind. She was my heroine through the treks.
Night jungle trek was the last itinerary of the day. Me and Bambie managed to spent some bonding time with our guides late into the night. Talking about anything, having a beer or two. Lan, the manager has proclaimed Bambie his wifey after he experimented his Thai-taught reflexology on her feet. Sweet. Haha.
Our nights were spent bonding with our charmingly earthly jungle guides. For 3 nights. Laughing so hard our stomach hurts and tears were brimming. Playing card games, learning how to speak each other's languages. It was good times. Definitely.
On the last day of our stay before we depart the next morning, we took a swim into the river. I was a little petrified. Crocodiles do exist around the area. But Yan and Jeff pretty much assured us if there were any, they'd smell it.
These jungle boys are such earthly souls, so natural you forget how true human nature is like. They get together and break into music and songs with their guitars, singing upbeat tempos. Making everyone feel like home in the wilderness.
Guitars + Beers + Wilderness = Rockin' Jungle Life.
No one may share the same sentiments as me and Bambie, but we really could have stayed there forever. I don't know if this depressingly yearning feeling is temporary. But what I know for now for sure, is I have fallen in love with the Sungai Orangs of Uncle Tan's wildlife camp, and the jungle life they've showed us, with a Hardcore Borneo Style.
A return trip is definitely in the planning.
Every step me and Bambie took, we were contemplating about turning back.
It was one of the hardest thing to do, leaving Kinabatangan, leaving the so charmingly down to earth jungle boys, leaving the jungle life and returning to city life.
What amazed me most was the fact that I didn't think it would have been such an amazingly breathtaking experience.
Sure I've always wanted to backpack, and this was my first backpacking trip, with Bambie, and meeting her 2 mates (Y.J & Neo) from the same zoo affinity. We were helluva retarded, had hella fun.
Sandakan was different from the Malaysia I know. It was kinder.
First 2 days were spent overnight at this humbly beautifully bohemianly decorated hostel (Sandakan Backpackers) located at Harbour Sqaure, just by the coast of the sea. Simply beautiful. We visited Agnes Keith's Tea & Breakfast house on top of a hill nearby, overlooking the sea. It was serene at it's best in a classy English environment, I fell asleep just sitting. Played a game of croquet after some delightful tea & desserts. How English were we.
Didn't get to visit Agnes Keith's House because it was RM2 for locals, and RM15 for foreigners. We were on a budget trip after all. Maybe the next time. Yes, there will be a next time.
Monday morning (30 August) we packed up, took some last shots from the backpackers suite, scribbled our appreciation on the welcomed army green wall, and made our way to Sepilok, where we were picked up & brought to our main destination of this trip; Uncle Tan's Wildlife Camp.
It was about 15 minutes ride from Sepilok to Uncle Tan's op base. At Uncle Tan's op base, we registered & fed ourselves. At this point of time, I was getting pretty excited.
After which at 1430h, it was an 1 hour road trip to Sungai Kinabatangan, and about 20 minutes speedboat ride in the rain, to Uncle Tan's Wildlife camp, where memories started and will forever etched in me and Bambie's mind.
We were greeted by young jungle guides, most of them not any older than me and Bambie. Their friendly nature was greatly appreciated. After all, I was feeling quite apprehensive about staying in the jungle for 3 days, with only having river water to shower with, huts with only mattresses & mosquito nets, minimal electricity provided, where lights will be out by 12 midnight, where toilets have no flush, where creepy crawlies can be seen creeping... *shudders*
It's Bambie's & Y.J's 2nd trip to Uncle Tan's wildlife camp, so I guess they pretty much know what to expect. Whereas for me, I was paranoid whenever I felt something dropped on my head or flew into my face. That was how it was like on the first day for me.
By the 2nd day I was pretty much getting used to things flying into my face, and still slightly squealy and feeling jumpy about it.
The morning boat ride down the river channels to catch wildlife in action (proboscis, silverleaf, macaque monkeys) was refreshing. The late morning jungle trekking was fun. The time spent after trekking was pretty much up to us to do whatever we want. So, we lazed. Like the monkeys did. It was getting warmer by noon after all.
Late afternoon boat ride down the stream again to catch more monkeys in action. Because of the high water level, we only spotted one crocodile which disappeared quickly under the water. No snakes were spotted. Hornbills, stocks, eagle of some sort and vibrant colored king fishers were quite a common sight.
Late night jungle trekking was quite a thrill. With the aid of only our torches through the dark jungle, our late night guide, Leo, managed to caught hold of a scorpion, a palm sized new spotted tarantula specie in the area, and walked us through many muddy spots, where I personally have problems with because I keep getting stuck. Bambie had to keep an eye on me, just in case I get left behind. She was my heroine through the treks.
Night jungle trek was the last itinerary of the day. Me and Bambie managed to spent some bonding time with our guides late into the night. Talking about anything, having a beer or two. Lan, the manager has proclaimed Bambie his wifey after he experimented his Thai-taught reflexology on her feet. Sweet. Haha.
Our nights were spent bonding with our charmingly earthly jungle guides. For 3 nights. Laughing so hard our stomach hurts and tears were brimming. Playing card games, learning how to speak each other's languages. It was good times. Definitely.
On the last day of our stay before we depart the next morning, we took a swim into the river. I was a little petrified. Crocodiles do exist around the area. But Yan and Jeff pretty much assured us if there were any, they'd smell it.
These jungle boys are such earthly souls, so natural you forget how true human nature is like. They get together and break into music and songs with their guitars, singing upbeat tempos. Making everyone feel like home in the wilderness.
Guitars + Beers + Wilderness = Rockin' Jungle Life.
No one may share the same sentiments as me and Bambie, but we really could have stayed there forever. I don't know if this depressingly yearning feeling is temporary. But what I know for now for sure, is I have fallen in love with the Sungai Orangs of Uncle Tan's wildlife camp, and the jungle life they've showed us, with a Hardcore Borneo Style.
A return trip is definitely in the planning.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I am such an idiot.
Sometimes I just say and do things without thinking, really. Without considering whether it's really funny, or it could hurt someone's feelings. Not that I do it unintentionally. I just want to be funny. At other people's expense unknowingly. When I realized what a stupid thing I said (or did), I can't stop kicking myself for a long time. Then I'd stone thinking how stupid I am, and make fucking stupid mistakes at work, which doesn't help with my morality at all when you get told off (for the mistakes made) in a condescending manner.
Why ah. Why I so stupid one. Think I smart right. Fucking think I'm damn smart right. See la. See what I did. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
I need a hug. Need someone to tell me it's okay people make mistakes. Then again I probably don't deserve it because I'm so goddamn motherfucking mindnumbingly STUPID.
Sigh.
I dunno why but Robbie Williams' Sexed up seemed to fit weirdly with how stupid I'm feeling now.
Loose lips on ships
I'm getting to grips
With what you said
Know it's not in my head
I can't awake and forget day after day
Why don't we talk about it
Why do you always doubt
That there can be a better way
It doesn't make me want to stay
Why don't we break up
There's nothing left to say
I got my eye shut praying they won't stray
And when I sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
You said we're fatally flopped
When I'm easily bored
Is that okay?
Strike me off your list
Made this the last kiss
I'll walk away
Why don't we talk about it
I'm only here Don't shout it
Given time we'll forget
Let's pretend we never met
Chorus
Screw you I didn't like your taste
Anyway, I chose you
Let's all gone to wasted Saturday
I'll go out and find another you
Why don't we
Why don't we break up
There's nothing left to say
I got my eye shirt praying they won't stray
Oh! When I sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
Why ah. Why I so stupid one. Think I smart right. Fucking think I'm damn smart right. See la. See what I did. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
I need a hug. Need someone to tell me it's okay people make mistakes. Then again I probably don't deserve it because I'm so goddamn motherfucking mindnumbingly STUPID.
Sigh.
I dunno why but Robbie Williams' Sexed up seemed to fit weirdly with how stupid I'm feeling now.
Loose lips on ships
I'm getting to grips
With what you said
Know it's not in my head
I can't awake and forget day after day
Why don't we talk about it
Why do you always doubt
That there can be a better way
It doesn't make me want to stay
Why don't we break up
There's nothing left to say
I got my eye shut praying they won't stray
And when I sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
You said we're fatally flopped
When I'm easily bored
Is that okay?
Strike me off your list
Made this the last kiss
I'll walk away
Why don't we talk about it
I'm only here Don't shout it
Given time we'll forget
Let's pretend we never met
Chorus
Screw you I didn't like your taste
Anyway, I chose you
Let's all gone to wasted Saturday
I'll go out and find another you
Why don't we
Why don't we break up
There's nothing left to say
I got my eye shirt praying they won't stray
Oh! When I sexed up
That's what makes the difference today
I hope you blow away
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
"Where we do what werkz"
It has been a great social experience. I've learned things I never would have if I didn't step up. The people are a great bunch to work with. The boys are relatively charming in their own cheeky ways. The ladies were gems to work with. So far I have enjoyed every working day. Plus Bambie being there with me makes it all the more fun! :)
It's not all bliss. There were a few unfortunate incidents. Some of which were due to my own incompetency and idiocy. Some are plainly because the Mad Ostrich was just being, well, mad.
Otherwise, I've been in and out of some unfortunate, and probably self-caused emotional rides to certain overdue issues. Just some things I've been thinking about. Like what I would like in a life partner.
Career wise, I've got some things planned out. Thanks to an old friend, I might just get something going somewhere; realizing a dream *breathes*
I'm in a much better place now. With the help of those who are close to heart.
There are still some things left unsettled. I'm working out how to go about settling it. Just to have some sorta peace of mind. So I can focus better.
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you
- Alanis Morissette -
It's not all bliss. There were a few unfortunate incidents. Some of which were due to my own incompetency and idiocy. Some are plainly because the Mad Ostrich was just being, well, mad.
Otherwise, I've been in and out of some unfortunate, and probably self-caused emotional rides to certain overdue issues. Just some things I've been thinking about. Like what I would like in a life partner.
Career wise, I've got some things planned out. Thanks to an old friend, I might just get something going somewhere; realizing a dream *breathes*
I'm in a much better place now. With the help of those who are close to heart.
There are still some things left unsettled. I'm working out how to go about settling it. Just to have some sorta peace of mind. So I can focus better.
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you
- Alanis Morissette -
Friday, June 08, 2007
Rejected
Am I not nice enough? Not good enough? Not pretty enough?
Third. Time.
I even got almost-naked for you man.
You've got me depressed.... again.
Hell I'm doing it again.
Till the last inch of my pride fades away.
Till you tell me I'm just no good.
S.I.A, I am flying you.
Third. Time.
I even got almost-naked for you man.
You've got me depressed.... again.
Hell I'm doing it again.
Till the last inch of my pride fades away.
Till you tell me I'm just no good.
S.I.A, I am flying you.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Relented
I've been holding on so tight, I didn't even realize because it got numbed.
But when you let the blood rushed back into your nerves, you'd realize just because you haven't any sensation doesn't mean it isn't there.
Everytime I think I've let it go, it just seemed I did so reluctantly. And reluctant I was. Undeniably reluctant.
Why? Maybe because I couldn't accept the truth. The truth that I was just not good enough for him.
I'm not telling myself this just to put myself down. Some things just don't work out the way you want it.
I may think back and still feel sad. It'll be one of those milestones in life I've to overcome.
Acceptance doesn't mean I've to fight back my emotions, right?
I pray I'll be whole again.
But when you let the blood rushed back into your nerves, you'd realize just because you haven't any sensation doesn't mean it isn't there.
Everytime I think I've let it go, it just seemed I did so reluctantly. And reluctant I was. Undeniably reluctant.
Why? Maybe because I couldn't accept the truth. The truth that I was just not good enough for him.
I'm not telling myself this just to put myself down. Some things just don't work out the way you want it.
I may think back and still feel sad. It'll be one of those milestones in life I've to overcome.
Acceptance doesn't mean I've to fight back my emotions, right?
I pray I'll be whole again.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Asperger's Syndrome
Sure. EVERYONE has got their opinions on everything. I totally respect that. But it just so seems that not everyone appreciates being respected, and give respect (in this matter) in return.
What really annoys me is that they're so worried about not being heard, that they IMPOSE their 2 cents worth. It's disrespectful.
I've been noticing certain social situations, and being aware of how I've reacted to them.
For example, I was on my usual transport back home, 3 others were talking about something to do with homosexuals. I can't quite remember WHAT they said, but I remember HOW it was talked about.
I realized I get very turned off with conversations that sound like everyone is trying to make everyone else hear what they have to say, so much so that you hear one trying to block the other out by repeating the FIRST word 6 times (or more) before they go on. If the other refuses to shut up by the third (or more) repeat, it gets louder.
How impossibly impolite.
I'm guilty of it sometimes. I've learnt if you want to be heard, you listen. Same thing with respect. You don't command it (by raising your voice), it is to be earned (give, to take).
So, shush.
What really annoys me is that they're so worried about not being heard, that they IMPOSE their 2 cents worth. It's disrespectful.
I've been noticing certain social situations, and being aware of how I've reacted to them.
For example, I was on my usual transport back home, 3 others were talking about something to do with homosexuals. I can't quite remember WHAT they said, but I remember HOW it was talked about.
I realized I get very turned off with conversations that sound like everyone is trying to make everyone else hear what they have to say, so much so that you hear one trying to block the other out by repeating the FIRST word 6 times (or more) before they go on. If the other refuses to shut up by the third (or more) repeat, it gets louder.
How impossibly impolite.
I'm guilty of it sometimes. I've learnt if you want to be heard, you listen. Same thing with respect. You don't command it (by raising your voice), it is to be earned (give, to take).
So, shush.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Not crossing the line
Recent situations arose that affirms this principle.
(You know how it's like sometimes to contradict your own principles. Human nature.)
While it's flattering, but to think that *imagine this* your close friend might be trying to get into your ex's pants, makes me feel sick to the stomach. Literally.
I felt weird, uncomfortable, and almost feeling sick to the point where I feel like puking. I might sound like I'm exaggerating here, but it's been trialed first hand, unknowingly. (I always give the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty.)
Rule number 666: Never get involve (intimately) with your ex's friends, especially when they're really close. It's not just wrong, you might be hurting someone you care about, which I think it's worst than being wrong.
But of course if you had a bad breakup and you're wildly attracted to his/her friends, jump right in. If it works out to be a blooming relationship, good for you. Otherwise, you'd probably end up being on that "slutty ex" conversations.
I don't get how some people can just do it. Either they're too caught up with themselves to care, or really just being hypocrites in general.
I know I sound like a prude and judgemental. But that's only cause I felt really, really, really upset with the situation.
And it makes me wonder if I was already on that topic to have caused these "possibilities".
Ugh.
(You know how it's like sometimes to contradict your own principles. Human nature.)
While it's flattering, but to think that *imagine this* your close friend might be trying to get into your ex's pants, makes me feel sick to the stomach. Literally.
I felt weird, uncomfortable, and almost feeling sick to the point where I feel like puking. I might sound like I'm exaggerating here, but it's been trialed first hand, unknowingly. (I always give the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty.)
Rule number 666: Never get involve (intimately) with your ex's friends, especially when they're really close. It's not just wrong, you might be hurting someone you care about, which I think it's worst than being wrong.
But of course if you had a bad breakup and you're wildly attracted to his/her friends, jump right in. If it works out to be a blooming relationship, good for you. Otherwise, you'd probably end up being on that "slutty ex" conversations.
I don't get how some people can just do it. Either they're too caught up with themselves to care, or really just being hypocrites in general.
I know I sound like a prude and judgemental. But that's only cause I felt really, really, really upset with the situation.
And it makes me wonder if I was already on that topic to have caused these "possibilities".
Ugh.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Third Eye Blind - How's it gonna be
I wonder if you think me
Now that I'm out of your life
I wonder if you miss me
Like how I miss you sometimes
I wonder if you truly loved me
Like you said you did
I wonder if you hate me now
For whom I have been
I wonder if you're good
Like how I'm trying to be
I wonder if you still feel like king
Like how you made me queen
I wonder if you'd ever love again
I wonder if I would
I wonder if I still want to know
I wonder if you do
I wonder if we'd ever meet again
I wonder what I'd do if I could turn back time
I wonder if I'd ever be complete
Like how you've completed me
I wonder if I'm just a memory now
I wonder if you are
I wonder how you are
I wonder if I still love you.
*******************************************
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud I wanna get outta this
I wonder, is there anything I'm gonna miss
I wonder how's it gonna be
When you don't know me
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to you
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's its gonna be
How's it gonna be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnails scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty
I don't see the lightnight like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it gonna be
When it goes down
How's it gonna be
When you're not around
How's it gonna be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it gonna be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be.
Now that I'm out of your life
I wonder if you miss me
Like how I miss you sometimes
I wonder if you truly loved me
Like you said you did
I wonder if you hate me now
For whom I have been
I wonder if you're good
Like how I'm trying to be
I wonder if you still feel like king
Like how you made me queen
I wonder if you'd ever love again
I wonder if I would
I wonder if I still want to know
I wonder if you do
I wonder if we'd ever meet again
I wonder what I'd do if I could turn back time
I wonder if I'd ever be complete
Like how you've completed me
I wonder if I'm just a memory now
I wonder if you are
I wonder how you are
I wonder if I still love you.
*******************************************
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud I wanna get outta this
I wonder, is there anything I'm gonna miss
I wonder how's it gonna be
When you don't know me
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to you
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's its gonna be
How's it gonna be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnails scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty
I don't see the lightnight like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it gonna be
When it goes down
How's it gonna be
When you're not around
How's it gonna be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it gonna be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion, oblivion
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Jane's Addiction - Just Because
If I were you
I'd better watch out
When was the last time
You did anything
Not for me
Or anyone else
Just because
Just because
You, oh you really should have known
Yeah you, you really should have known
Just because
Just because
You got the most
But nobody loves you
Nobody has to
Just because
You, you really should have known
Oh you, I think you really should have known
Just because
Just because
Oh you, better watch out
When we first met
We passed around gifts
That was a long time ago
And yours didn't fit
Yeah you, oh you really should have known
Yeah you, oh you really should have known
Just because
Just because
Just because
********************************************************
It's been crazy. And I love it.
I'd better watch out
When was the last time
You did anything
Not for me
Or anyone else
Just because
Just because
You, oh you really should have known
Yeah you, you really should have known
Just because
Just because
You got the most
But nobody loves you
Nobody has to
Just because
You, you really should have known
Oh you, I think you really should have known
Just because
Just because
Oh you, better watch out
When we first met
We passed around gifts
That was a long time ago
And yours didn't fit
Yeah you, oh you really should have known
Yeah you, oh you really should have known
Just because
Just because
Just because
********************************************************
It's been crazy. And I love it.
Friday, May 04, 2007
The Last Day
It's 7 minutes to 11pm. Listening to Finley Quaye's Dice, for probably the 7th time for the day, on a Friday night, where I'm supposed to be... I dunno what I'd be doing.
I've cleared the 1 meter stack of recycling papers which I have managed to pile over 3 years sitting my ass here for 8 hours (or more sometimes, like tonight) every other working day, working my butt off to clear the *numerious amount of emails, while juggling other administrative shit B.Boss expects of me, feeling glad sometimes that I have something to hold on to. Something to help pay off bills and support my family, even though sitting in an office 9 to 6 isn't exactly my ideal kind of life.
I feel like I'm going on a new adventure. A different sort. The sort that I have been waried about. I'm lost for words. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. I can hardly breathe right now. I want to cry.
I don't think I have been the best of employee for the past few months. Things happened, lost my morality, motivation, got disappointed. I didn't cry, probably because I keep telling myself to look on the bright side. It's a push I needed. To get out there, and try to shit shovel *grins* On a more glamorous side, to travel.
I'm visualizing. Everyday, I visualize it. Keeping focus.
I want to be where I've been dreaming of.
So here's my first step, to a new life: Taking Bear in my arms, go public, with Bear, in my arms, and face the new world.
My new world.
Good luck to me.
*numerious is a word I made up.
I've cleared the 1 meter stack of recycling papers which I have managed to pile over 3 years sitting my ass here for 8 hours (or more sometimes, like tonight) every other working day, working my butt off to clear the *numerious amount of emails, while juggling other administrative shit B.Boss expects of me, feeling glad sometimes that I have something to hold on to. Something to help pay off bills and support my family, even though sitting in an office 9 to 6 isn't exactly my ideal kind of life.
I feel like I'm going on a new adventure. A different sort. The sort that I have been waried about. I'm lost for words. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. I can hardly breathe right now. I want to cry.
I don't think I have been the best of employee for the past few months. Things happened, lost my morality, motivation, got disappointed. I didn't cry, probably because I keep telling myself to look on the bright side. It's a push I needed. To get out there, and try to shit shovel *grins* On a more glamorous side, to travel.
I'm visualizing. Everyday, I visualize it. Keeping focus.
I want to be where I've been dreaming of.
So here's my first step, to a new life: Taking Bear in my arms, go public, with Bear, in my arms, and face the new world.
My new world.
Good luck to me.
*numerious is a word I made up.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The Feeling - Love It When You Call
I found the switch
You turned it on
I hit the ditch
You carried on
I was so near
Now you're so far
Are you quite sure
Just who you are?
Oh, I-i-i-i-ihi
Know you could use a friend
But you don't seem to have the time
Oh, and I-i-i-i-ihi
I wonder if you ever get to say
What's on your mind
Well take a little time
Come on take a little time
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
So, what's the complication?
It's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
(He loves it when you call)
(He loves it when you call)
Remember me?
I used to be
Your best time buddy
That you couldn't wait to see
We're gettin old
It takes its toll
And hearts getting broken
Leads to people growing cold
Oh, I-i-i-i-ihi
I'm flippin with a coin
That's got a tail on either side
Oh, and I-i-i-i-ihi
I'm gonna be the one
Who makes you stop and realise
You could have it all
Ye-eah, we should have it all
I love it when you call
(He loves it when you call)
I love it when you call
(He loves it when you call)
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
So, what's the complication?
It's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
(He loves it when you call)
(He loves it when you call)
Yeah, I wonder where you've been
Yeah, and I wonder who you've seen
Yeah, I hope you find your dream
When you do, I really hope it's all it seems
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
Say what's the complication
It's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
*********************************************
No I'm not in an especially good mood today.
If you heard this song already you'd know how hippie it'd sound.
It's just that I heard this song on Live On Abbey's Road earlier and it cheered me up while it lasts.
It's the sweetness I miss.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Tagged
Rules of the game:
Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!
(1) I hate to admit that I care what other people think about me. Whoever has met me, even it's for awhile, even if you don't really matter, it matters how people see me. Only it's subjected to how long I wanna think about it.
(2) I have lesbian tendency. Never really done anything about it.
(3) I have this habit of moving my feet (feet sole face up) back and forth when I'm going to sleep. Like how kitties flick their tails back and forth when in that relax mode. It's like a mental relaxing hypnosis. Only it manifests with my feet.
(4) During an exam once, probably when I was in primary 3 or 4, I finished my paper quicker than time given, I turned around to this classmate of mine and asked her to draw something nice for me. She was good. The teacher in charged probably looked at me thinking I must be retarded. Now I suspect I had Asperger's Syndrome.
(5) I used to think about committing the perfect murder. JigSAW outdid me.
(6) I fantasize about being famous.
(7) I'm into the whole goth shit, as well pretty flowers and unicorns.
(8) I pride myself on being independent. But I'm not ruling out the possibilty of me having to rely on a financially stable husband. Bills are slowing me down.
(9) Fact is I would like 2 kids. A girl and a boy.
(10) I get high on coke. Not the real stuff.
I'm not sure who to tag because most of my friends have already done it. So Seanie, you've been tagged back. Now you owe us all another 10. Rules are meant to be broken anyway.
Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!
(1) I hate to admit that I care what other people think about me. Whoever has met me, even it's for awhile, even if you don't really matter, it matters how people see me. Only it's subjected to how long I wanna think about it.
(2) I have lesbian tendency. Never really done anything about it.
(3) I have this habit of moving my feet (feet sole face up) back and forth when I'm going to sleep. Like how kitties flick their tails back and forth when in that relax mode. It's like a mental relaxing hypnosis. Only it manifests with my feet.
(4) During an exam once, probably when I was in primary 3 or 4, I finished my paper quicker than time given, I turned around to this classmate of mine and asked her to draw something nice for me. She was good. The teacher in charged probably looked at me thinking I must be retarded. Now I suspect I had Asperger's Syndrome.
(5) I used to think about committing the perfect murder. JigSAW outdid me.
(6) I fantasize about being famous.
(7) I'm into the whole goth shit, as well pretty flowers and unicorns.
(8) I pride myself on being independent. But I'm not ruling out the possibilty of me having to rely on a financially stable husband. Bills are slowing me down.
(9) Fact is I would like 2 kids. A girl and a boy.
(10) I get high on coke. Not the real stuff.
I'm not sure who to tag because most of my friends have already done it. So Seanie, you've been tagged back. Now you owe us all another 10. Rules are meant to be broken anyway.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Coldplay - Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
****************************************************
I can't believe I ruined it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
When you say nothing at all
I have a pride problem.
How do you get rid of your ego?
All alone... I can't mend...
I can't tell the difference between being emotional and egoistical.
I'm emoistical. Egotional.
It isn't love...
I am not worried... cos I've done this sorta thing before...
When your kindness falls like rain, it washes me away...
Green light
Seven Eleven
You stop in, for a pack of cigarettes
You don't smoke, don't even want to
Hey now take your change
Dressed up like a car crash
The wheels are turning
But you're upside down
You say when he hits you
You don't mind
Because when he hurts you
You feel alive
Is that what it is?
Am I finally letting go.
How do you get rid of your ego?
All alone... I can't mend...
I can't tell the difference between being emotional and egoistical.
I'm emoistical. Egotional.
It isn't love...
I am not worried... cos I've done this sorta thing before...
When your kindness falls like rain, it washes me away...
Green light
Seven Eleven
You stop in, for a pack of cigarettes
You don't smoke, don't even want to
Hey now take your change
Dressed up like a car crash
The wheels are turning
But you're upside down
You say when he hits you
You don't mind
Because when he hurts you
You feel alive
Is that what it is?
Am I finally letting go.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Easter @ Sepang
Was, 2 words. AWE. SOME.
It was such an experience, I had to break it up in 2.
It was a trip I didn't exactly know what to expect. There were writers and photographers (including Amy) from various papers (Straits Time, New Straits Times, AsiaOne, The NewsPaper etc). It was work for them, holiday for me. Although it wasn't exactly a holiday with all the travelling back and forth from the hotel early morning and being scorched at Sepang and back to the hotel hoping the 45 minutes trip back won't drag any longer than it should (with the expected jams in KL). I needed new inspiration. And thanks to Amy, I've had a helluvan experience; the F1 culture. Still a noob. So please don't mind my amatureness.
Basically I got to familiarize a few favourites.
Fernando Alonso: an arrogant b******d and a helluva skilled racer. His pick up speed is AMAZING. I can't really explain it in race terms. It's like he can rev from being stationary to 200km/h within 2 seconds. Am I exaggerating? Maybe not!
Lewis Hamiltom: the favourite rookie. He's like 22 years old? And yes he came in 2nd. SECOND, after Alonso.
Kimi Raikkonen. Oh Raikkonen. He was a second close to Hamilton.
Jenson Button. According to Amy, a pretty good looking racer. I've googled (of course I'd google) and he was right.
Even being seated at the grandstand 50m from the pit stops, with the sun glaring down and without a $3k, 3kg camera lens, plus the necessity of the helmets, makes it hard to see their faces!
They've placed Hamilton, Alonso and Raikkonen next to each other (from left to right). Coincidence?
F1 was a 3 days event. First two days were practice sessions. Third day, the Grand Prix.
Left for M'sia from Changi Airport on Thursday late noon. And before I left work (half day), B.Boss had a chat with me. This is my last month. They're restructuring and laying off the customer service department (outsourcing) and even though I'm under distribution, half of my job scope is to assist customer service. They go, I go. Can't possibly pay me for doing almost nothing can they.
BUMMED out. But I expected it (even with my fingers crossed) when I heard they're cutting off customer service.
I tried not to let this ruined my trip. It had some slight effect. But untill I touch down back at Singapore, I refused to think about it. Sigh.
ANYWAY. Sheraton Imperial was beautiful. The bathroom was almost breathtaking. I took pictures on my mobile (I've no idea how to load it up from my phone) and the website only has pictures of the room where the bed's at.
The sound of F1 car is almost deafening. Quoting Amy, it's so high that it's got digital pitch to it. Already at an constant start up speed while it's moving out of the pitstop sounded like a mini jet starting up on the engines, imagine at it's fastest, my hearing would have been impaired without the ear plugs!
It was exhilerating. I could feel my heart thumped a full pump before the blood rushes to my head and I thought I felt a slight high from the thunderous pitch and the vibration of it's waves.
Man. I'm having a total Sepang hangover. If I close my eyes and block out Staind's Outside (currently playing on my winamp) I could see myself back at the grandstand watching the action along the pits.
In between practise sessions, the Carrera's came in from the side, for their practise session too. After you've seen how fast F1 was on the track, watching the Carrera's trying to tear down the track almost seemed, sad.
I mean, an F1 could make a turn in 1-2 seconds. A Carrera took almost 2-3 seconds (a hell lot of milliseconds involved to win, or lose) to make that same turn. Can you imagine?!
I wanna get my ass on the F1s.
The Grand Prix. The big day. It was a race between McLaren and Ferrari. Check www.oneshift.com for pictures.
I'm gonna try and remember what happened so if there's any error, do pardon and correct me if I'm wrong.
Alonso held lead througout 56 laps. Hamilton and Massa were fighting closely for 2nd place for a few laps. Nick Heidfeld caught up to replace Massa. I must have fallen asleep when Raikkonen took to the 3rd.
How could I have possibly fell alseep? With the sun almost in your eyes, and the heat zapping you of your energy, I was surprised how drained I was that when I closed my eyes to rest them for abit, I actually managed to dozed. Amidst the loud engines running at full speed. A power nap for a boost.
Alonso was getting away with his winning position with every lap. It was impossible for anyone to even try to surpass him. But it was definate close fight between Hamilton and Raikkonen. Nick Heidfeld came in 4th, Massa came in 5th (?) Previous day during the qualifying Massa had surprised the audience (and I'm sure Alonso as well!) when he came in for the first position for the starting line up.
Oookay. Enough of F1. It was good times spent outside of it. Dinner @ IndoChine on the 2nd night, courtesy of SHELL. Drinks @ Mezza Notte. Beautiful cafe pub. Something close to Barfly. Back at the hotel lounge at almost 2am on the piano, a little performance, courtesy of Amy. (Music degree okay dun pray pray)
It was almost excruciatingly depressing when we landed back in Singapore. Reality hits like nothing else. Sigh. The hangover of a holiday.
I had to remind myself to breathe.
It was such an experience, I had to break it up in 2.
It was a trip I didn't exactly know what to expect. There were writers and photographers (including Amy) from various papers (Straits Time, New Straits Times, AsiaOne, The NewsPaper etc). It was work for them, holiday for me. Although it wasn't exactly a holiday with all the travelling back and forth from the hotel early morning and being scorched at Sepang and back to the hotel hoping the 45 minutes trip back won't drag any longer than it should (with the expected jams in KL). I needed new inspiration. And thanks to Amy, I've had a helluvan experience; the F1 culture. Still a noob. So please don't mind my amatureness.
Basically I got to familiarize a few favourites.
Fernando Alonso: an arrogant b******d and a helluva skilled racer. His pick up speed is AMAZING. I can't really explain it in race terms. It's like he can rev from being stationary to 200km/h within 2 seconds. Am I exaggerating? Maybe not!
Lewis Hamiltom: the favourite rookie. He's like 22 years old? And yes he came in 2nd. SECOND, after Alonso.
Kimi Raikkonen. Oh Raikkonen. He was a second close to Hamilton.
Jenson Button. According to Amy, a pretty good looking racer. I've googled (of course I'd google) and he was right.
Even being seated at the grandstand 50m from the pit stops, with the sun glaring down and without a $3k, 3kg camera lens, plus the necessity of the helmets, makes it hard to see their faces!
They've placed Hamilton, Alonso and Raikkonen next to each other (from left to right). Coincidence?
F1 was a 3 days event. First two days were practice sessions. Third day, the Grand Prix.
Left for M'sia from Changi Airport on Thursday late noon. And before I left work (half day), B.Boss had a chat with me. This is my last month. They're restructuring and laying off the customer service department (outsourcing) and even though I'm under distribution, half of my job scope is to assist customer service. They go, I go. Can't possibly pay me for doing almost nothing can they.
BUMMED out. But I expected it (even with my fingers crossed) when I heard they're cutting off customer service.
I tried not to let this ruined my trip. It had some slight effect. But untill I touch down back at Singapore, I refused to think about it. Sigh.
ANYWAY. Sheraton Imperial was beautiful. The bathroom was almost breathtaking. I took pictures on my mobile (I've no idea how to load it up from my phone) and the website only has pictures of the room where the bed's at.
The sound of F1 car is almost deafening. Quoting Amy, it's so high that it's got digital pitch to it. Already at an constant start up speed while it's moving out of the pitstop sounded like a mini jet starting up on the engines, imagine at it's fastest, my hearing would have been impaired without the ear plugs!
It was exhilerating. I could feel my heart thumped a full pump before the blood rushes to my head and I thought I felt a slight high from the thunderous pitch and the vibration of it's waves.
Man. I'm having a total Sepang hangover. If I close my eyes and block out Staind's Outside (currently playing on my winamp) I could see myself back at the grandstand watching the action along the pits.
In between practise sessions, the Carrera's came in from the side, for their practise session too. After you've seen how fast F1 was on the track, watching the Carrera's trying to tear down the track almost seemed, sad.
I mean, an F1 could make a turn in 1-2 seconds. A Carrera took almost 2-3 seconds (a hell lot of milliseconds involved to win, or lose) to make that same turn. Can you imagine?!
I wanna get my ass on the F1s.
The Grand Prix. The big day. It was a race between McLaren and Ferrari. Check www.oneshift.com for pictures.
I'm gonna try and remember what happened so if there's any error, do pardon and correct me if I'm wrong.
Alonso held lead througout 56 laps. Hamilton and Massa were fighting closely for 2nd place for a few laps. Nick Heidfeld caught up to replace Massa. I must have fallen asleep when Raikkonen took to the 3rd.
How could I have possibly fell alseep? With the sun almost in your eyes, and the heat zapping you of your energy, I was surprised how drained I was that when I closed my eyes to rest them for abit, I actually managed to dozed. Amidst the loud engines running at full speed. A power nap for a boost.
Alonso was getting away with his winning position with every lap. It was impossible for anyone to even try to surpass him. But it was definate close fight between Hamilton and Raikkonen. Nick Heidfeld came in 4th, Massa came in 5th (?) Previous day during the qualifying Massa had surprised the audience (and I'm sure Alonso as well!) when he came in for the first position for the starting line up.
Oookay. Enough of F1. It was good times spent outside of it. Dinner @ IndoChine on the 2nd night, courtesy of SHELL. Drinks @ Mezza Notte. Beautiful cafe pub. Something close to Barfly. Back at the hotel lounge at almost 2am on the piano, a little performance, courtesy of Amy. (Music degree okay dun pray pray)
It was almost excruciatingly depressing when we landed back in Singapore. Reality hits like nothing else. Sigh. The hangover of a holiday.
I had to remind myself to breathe.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Girls Night Out
Was AWESOME. AWESOME. AWESOME.
Clinic was alright. Barfly was beautiful. And my girls were gorgeous.
Who says you can't think when you drink?
I poured my heart out with my deepest resentment of others.
I'm a horrible person. I'm jealous. Angry. Resentful.
I'm only human. But that don't mean I like being this way. I just want to for once bitch and not be judged mercilessly. You know, to just rant and whine.
The best poeple, are the people who knows you best. Who doesn't think you're a psycho. Who understands that you're only human, and believes in the heart of hearts, that goodness is still in you amidst the resentment. It's like a break from feeling de-pressed.
With that faith that they have in me, I'm only more motivated to become better.
Been thinkin about seeing a psychic. Feeling a little lost. See Pris, you got me thinking.
Went to a boring porche (GT3RS?) launch. I don't know which porche I sat in, but I sat in a porche for the first damn time (in the driver's seat!) and GOD wouldn't it be awesome if I could own one of those bastards. Sigh..
Amy was a charmer at work. Although he didn't really do much besides taking pictures and talking to people about automobiles and shit I don't understand. It was boring. But I can't get the feeling of driving of porche out of my system!
WineBar was alright. Met Amy's crazy friends. Played a prank cos it was April's Fool.
Got some of you ;)
Pissed some of you :(
He's okay now. I think. Heh.
So who said you can't think when you drink?
Me.
Clinic was alright. Barfly was beautiful. And my girls were gorgeous.
Who says you can't think when you drink?
I poured my heart out with my deepest resentment of others.
I'm a horrible person. I'm jealous. Angry. Resentful.
I'm only human. But that don't mean I like being this way. I just want to for once bitch and not be judged mercilessly. You know, to just rant and whine.
The best poeple, are the people who knows you best. Who doesn't think you're a psycho. Who understands that you're only human, and believes in the heart of hearts, that goodness is still in you amidst the resentment. It's like a break from feeling de-pressed.
With that faith that they have in me, I'm only more motivated to become better.
Been thinkin about seeing a psychic. Feeling a little lost. See Pris, you got me thinking.
Went to a boring porche (GT3RS?) launch. I don't know which porche I sat in, but I sat in a porche for the first damn time (in the driver's seat!) and GOD wouldn't it be awesome if I could own one of those bastards. Sigh..
Amy was a charmer at work. Although he didn't really do much besides taking pictures and talking to people about automobiles and shit I don't understand. It was boring. But I can't get the feeling of driving of porche out of my system!
WineBar was alright. Met Amy's crazy friends. Played a prank cos it was April's Fool.
Got some of you ;)
Pissed some of you :(
He's okay now. I think. Heh.
So who said you can't think when you drink?
Me.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Happy Ending / He Wasn't
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did
Was it something you said
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead
Held up so high on such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All these time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All these time you were pretending so much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you care
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All these time you were pretending so much for my happy ending
***********************************************************
There's not much going on today
I'm really bored it's getting late
What happened to my Saturdays
Monday's coming, the day I hate
Sit on the bed alone
Staring at the phone
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He doesn't make me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
This is when I start to bite my nails
And cleam my room when all else fails
I think it's time for me to bail
This point of view is getting stale
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He doesn't make me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He doesn't make me feel like I was special
Like I was special, cos I was special
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did
Was it something you said
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead
Held up so high on such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All these time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All these time you were pretending so much for my happy ending
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you care
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All these time you were pretending so much for my happy ending
***********************************************************
There's not much going on today
I'm really bored it's getting late
What happened to my Saturdays
Monday's coming, the day I hate
Sit on the bed alone
Staring at the phone
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He doesn't make me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking for
This is when I start to bite my nails
And cleam my room when all else fails
I think it's time for me to bail
This point of view is getting stale
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He doesn't make me feel like I was special
He isn't really what I'm looking
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no
He wouldn't even open up the door
He doesn't make me feel like I was special
Like I was special, cos I was special
Monday, March 19, 2007
Inconsolable
The truth is, I am ashamed of being that angry bitch for that few hours.
But I don't really regret it.
Because I sure as hell did not deserve to deal with your fucked up attitude.
I am a man of peace & love. A typical justful Libran.
If it is unjust attitude you give, unjust treatment you will get.
But I don't really regret it.
Because I sure as hell did not deserve to deal with your fucked up attitude.
I am a man of peace & love. A typical justful Libran.
If it is unjust attitude you give, unjust treatment you will get.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Finley Quaye & WIlliam Orbit - DICE
I was crying over you
I am smiling I think of you
Where your gardens have no walls
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
I was crying over you
I am smiling I think of you
Misty mornings and water fall
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Virtuous sensibility
Escape velocity
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
Nothing.
**************************************************
Mawia got me hooked since she asked about this song.
I love it too.
For some weird reason I dreamt I saw VJ.
When there's VJ, there'll be Angel.
And he was... gonna... rap... to some... R&B... uhh... song. Haha.
And we were his, supports O_O Along with alot of other, Indian boys.
Then I dreamt of Fai (???) He was working at this Catholic Church (?!)
He showed me a picture of this beautiful church (jaded-emerald-gold facade),
I asked where it is, he mentioned some weird place
and the name of the Catholic church was San Diego.
It happened to be his email add. For real. -_-
So yeah, he was working as some sorta orhanage volunteer at the church.
I remember Diyar & some other Malay dudes I used to see at poly were there too.
Helping out. Watching them play with the kids, making them laugh.
It was music to the ears.
I felt this awefully sweet warmth...
Thinking about it now... and I'm melting.
300 was, 2 hours of romance for me.
Sword strike of elegance...
The thrust of his spear...
The grace of blood...
Strong wield of shield...
His cocky humour reminded me...
And all over again.
Good luck to me.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Foo Fighters - Best of You
I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break, holding you
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and on to someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head, without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use
I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again, but I break loose
My head is giving me life or death, but I can't choose
I'll swear I'll never give in, I'll refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? It's real
The pain you feel?
Your trust?
You must confess.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? Its real.
The pain you feel?
The life? The love, you died to hear?
The hope that stops the broken hearts?
Your trust?
You must confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
've got another confession my friend, I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again, somewhere new
Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I'll refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? It's real.
The pain you feel?
Your trust?
You must confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Friday, March 09, 2007
Don't judge of my composure cos I'm lying to myself
It's been quite a ride of emotions the past fews day, in my head.
It was an unexpected encounter.
I felt like crying, laughing, fuming at the same time.
Took awhile for me to get over myself and for reality to sink in.
Even then it's still pretty darn dark.
I'm trying to look for a light. If not within myself. But I figured, why depend on anything else; I'm just as unsure.
Time flies and still feel like such a long time.
I'm looking for that light nonetheless. Even if it only shines for abit. I'm gonna keep looking for them all. I know they're out there.
Feeling a little lost. Overwhelmed.
I know I'm not alone. I'm just incomplete.
"And I wanna believe you... when you tell me that it'll be okay.... and I try to believe you... tomorrow it may change..."
It was an unexpected encounter.
I felt like crying, laughing, fuming at the same time.
Took awhile for me to get over myself and for reality to sink in.
Even then it's still pretty darn dark.
I'm trying to look for a light. If not within myself. But I figured, why depend on anything else; I'm just as unsure.
Time flies and still feel like such a long time.
I'm looking for that light nonetheless. Even if it only shines for abit. I'm gonna keep looking for them all. I know they're out there.
Feeling a little lost. Overwhelmed.
I know I'm not alone. I'm just incomplete.
"And I wanna believe you... when you tell me that it'll be okay.... and I try to believe you... tomorrow it may change..."
Sunday, February 11, 2007
I think I'm sad
Don't feel too good.
A sort of emptiness.
Sadness. Sort of.
Hmmm...
I'm sad...
Been sad for a few days...
No big... I'll be okay.
Moosey Moose should be settling down at the colleage now by.
Hung at his crib last night with Ziddy and Khai.
Watched Harold & Kumar and half of Borat.
Khai dozed... I dozed... Zid dozed...
Moose had to stay up, cos there was not much space left.
So he CSed.
He'll be back soon. Cos Malaysia is a terribly boring place.
Fuck. We're 23 this year.
A sort of emptiness.
Sadness. Sort of.
Hmmm...
I'm sad...
Been sad for a few days...
No big... I'll be okay.
Moosey Moose should be settling down at the colleage now by.
Hung at his crib last night with Ziddy and Khai.
Watched Harold & Kumar and half of Borat.
Khai dozed... I dozed... Zid dozed...
Moose had to stay up, cos there was not much space left.
So he CSed.
He'll be back soon. Cos Malaysia is a terribly boring place.
Fuck. We're 23 this year.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Love, Peace & Ice Cream - Ben & Jerry's
Wend's 23rd birthday party (2 weeks ago) was rainy (no bbq marshmellows *sad*), warm (girlies plus the sarong Bambie bought for us from her Thailand trip) and real nice (food). Wend of course showed more interest in the bills then the montage. Naughty girl. But since she was feeling quite under the weather, she's totally forgiven *SAYANG*
Munk's back in town. Catching up (2 nights ago - office (Moose & Munk) - Fraser's Place (Moose, Munk & Gale) - Liat Tower's Burger King (Moose, Munk, Ziddy & Cuz) - PS Starbucks (Munk, Just, Andy Drewy) - Bencoolen St (Munk, Just, Andy Drewy & later on Benny) was great fun.
Hung out at Ikea Tampines with Moosey yesterday. And his parents. It was like a trip to the zoo. So many things to see and hit Moose with. I just can't help attempting to abuse him like that. One unintentional hit (flick of towel) kinda made the trip all worth the while (decided not to go to work). Got dragged to a not so small family function at Moose's auntie's place. No money, no marriage k Moose.
It felt like being with the Seremban gang seeing his family. Noisy, family.
Moose's in love with the lead singer of Ben & Jerry's in-house band. Cos she's pretty and sings good. Pfff. Tyical. Didn't appreciate Eric Clapton's Beautiful Tonight, Micheal Learns to Rock's 25 Minutes Too Late (@#$%&^?!). Makes me sad. Then it was The Wonder's That Thing You Do & Pearl Jam's Last Kiss that cheered me up.
Apocalypto was epic. Mel Gibson has not dissappoint. Very late supper back at Bencoolen with Moose and Yzzy. Poor gurl's under the weather too. Feel like I'm coming down with something myself.
Friends & family & music & furballs & trees & money are the best things in life.
Horoscope says I should work today. Hmmm...
Snuggle...?
Munk's back in town. Catching up (2 nights ago - office (Moose & Munk) - Fraser's Place (Moose, Munk & Gale) - Liat Tower's Burger King (Moose, Munk, Ziddy & Cuz) - PS Starbucks (Munk, Just, Andy Drewy) - Bencoolen St (Munk, Just, Andy Drewy & later on Benny) was great fun.
Hung out at Ikea Tampines with Moosey yesterday. And his parents. It was like a trip to the zoo. So many things to see and hit Moose with. I just can't help attempting to abuse him like that. One unintentional hit (flick of towel) kinda made the trip all worth the while (decided not to go to work). Got dragged to a not so small family function at Moose's auntie's place. No money, no marriage k Moose.
It felt like being with the Seremban gang seeing his family. Noisy, family.
Moose's in love with the lead singer of Ben & Jerry's in-house band. Cos she's pretty and sings good. Pfff. Tyical. Didn't appreciate Eric Clapton's Beautiful Tonight, Micheal Learns to Rock's 25 Minutes Too Late (@#$%&^?!). Makes me sad. Then it was The Wonder's That Thing You Do & Pearl Jam's Last Kiss that cheered me up.
Apocalypto was epic. Mel Gibson has not dissappoint. Very late supper back at Bencoolen with Moose and Yzzy. Poor gurl's under the weather too. Feel like I'm coming down with something myself.
Friends & family & music & furballs & trees & money are the best things in life.
Horoscope says I should work today. Hmmm...
Snuggle...?
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Papa Roach - Scars
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
[Chorus x2]
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Rivermaya - You'll be safe here
Nobody knows
Just why we’re here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine
And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall I be
Chorus:
Close your eyes
Dry your tears
‘Coz when nothing seems clear
You’ll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You’ll be safe here
Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong
And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe
Chorus:
When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here
Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything’s unclear
You’ll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart
When the light disappears
And when this world’s insincere
You’ll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I’ll scream with you
You’ll be safe here
In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You’ll be safe here
When no one understands
I’ll believe
You’ll be safe,
You’ll be safe
You’ll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You’ll be safe here
If you haven't heard this beautiful piece, hear it now.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Puddle of Mud - Away From Me
Yea
Look at me now
Just sittin here by myself
And I think you found someone else
Now I'm gonna have to find
A way to put the bottle down
And why can’t you see
That I’m drowning in a pool of misery
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost in somebody
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost
So here I am
I wanna be by myself
And I think you’re fucking someone else
now im gonna have to find a way
To take the knife out of my back
And how could you leave me
Stranded in a closet full of bones
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost in somebody
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost
Maybe you could let me stay
Maybe just for one more day
You could help me stay the same
Maybe things won’t ever change
Maybe we could taste the rain
You could push me out the way
Now I sit here by myself
Think about somebody else
How could you let them take you away from me
There’s somebody else
There’s somebody else!
***********************************************************
I understand... I see... What am I to do? Sit around and wait?
I can't wait anymore. I'm tired. I want to move on.
I'm sorry you're hurting. But I can't pick you up anymore. I have myself to take care of.
I miss you.
Look at me now
Just sittin here by myself
And I think you found someone else
Now I'm gonna have to find
A way to put the bottle down
And why can’t you see
That I’m drowning in a pool of misery
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost in somebody
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost
So here I am
I wanna be by myself
And I think you’re fucking someone else
now im gonna have to find a way
To take the knife out of my back
And how could you leave me
Stranded in a closet full of bones
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost in somebody
I’m always afraid
That you’re gone
Away from me
I’m always afraid
That you’re lost
Maybe you could let me stay
Maybe just for one more day
You could help me stay the same
Maybe things won’t ever change
Maybe we could taste the rain
You could push me out the way
Now I sit here by myself
Think about somebody else
How could you let them take you away from me
There’s somebody else
There’s somebody else!
***********************************************************
I understand... I see... What am I to do? Sit around and wait?
I can't wait anymore. I'm tired. I want to move on.
I'm sorry you're hurting. But I can't pick you up anymore. I have myself to take care of.
I miss you.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I miss you love
It's been almost 2 months since we broke up. And it had to end this way. How many times must I repeat myself before I start losing it and yell it into your face? How many times must I explain myself? And must I? Isn't love about understanding? Even when we fight?
I hate you now. I hate the way you make me feel (now); so miserable for doing nothing wrong.
You said you had hope. And just what did you do these 2 months? Did you come looking for me? Were any flowers delivered to me? Did you ask to see me? You don't even ask how I am.
You asked if I'm seeing someone. I said yes. Now come to think of it, why did I even tell you? I should've know better. I should've known you'd react the way you've been for the past 1 month. But I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt. That we would be adult about it.
You asked if I love you. You asked if I missed you. You asked if I still care. You asked all the questions that satisfies your heart. And then you got mad at me for being able to move on faster than you did. Just what did you expect? Wait for you to find someone before I move on?
You asked what if the roles were reversed. Don't you think I have thought about it? Thought about you seeing other people? Thought about you smiling while you're talking to her? Laughing at her wit? Holding her in your arms? Kissing her sweetly? Having it all that I had with you? You don't think I've thought about all that?
If that had happened, what could I have possibly done? I could only stick to my own world and feel sad & miserable. But I would never have done what you've been doing. I would never have taunt you for having found someone else. I would have felt like shit. But I want you happy too.
You say you want me happy. Then what is all these? Why are you threatening to hurt the people I care about? Because of your jealousy? You say whatever you want? And to me? Do you have a heart at all?
Who's to pick me up when I was broken? We broke up. You have no obligations to me. Neither do I have of you. Why are you being so selfish? You couldn't take me for all that I was. You make me deal with my own issues. I accepted that. You know very well yourself what kinda of man you have become. And I have ran out of patience and strength. Now that I'm able to move on, pick myself up, you punish me for it.
I should've change my number. People tell me if I love you enough I wouldn't have moved on this quick. What is this? A competition?
Look beneath:
It was a 3 years relationship. I saw the rest of my life with you. I saw us travelling, and possibly having kids & definatelty puppies. I saw us growing old. I saw us going places. I never saw this. I never saw I'd become so over-bearing. Never saw you'd give me excuses. Never saw that I'd go absolutely psycho because you don't give me one minute of attention.
We broke up. Because we changed. Things changed. We got tired. We couldn't deal anymore. We understood that. I thought you did.
But now I see that whatever it is that I do, it's all my fault. It's always me hurting you. Isn't it?
I would've walked miles for you. I would've done anything for you. Just to be with you. I have. And you know that. You broke my dreams. You broke my heart. I hate my weakness.
My moments of weakness with you is a reminder to me to be better everyday.
Along the way, something nice came along. Something distracted me of my weakness and finally puts a smile to my gloomy face, although it only lasts for awhile, compared to the tiny moments you have given me which can last me through any agonizingly horrendously painful days, it was just nice to have something forgotten again. Something which you forgot to give, which I have been missing for a long time, while we lost ourselves in fights.
Was that so wrong that you have to punish me for it now? So wrong that my love is being judged?
All I want is for someone to guide me through. And I thought it will always be you. You had that strength which I need. You were my everything. But you lost yourself as well.
And now you wouldn't even give me space to find my own happiness on my own, in my own ways. You kept judging me. In your eyes, I will always be that weak, that selfish. But amidst your judging, you forgot you made mistakes too. And I don't even blame you for it anymore.
I never thought I'd want you out of my life but I do. I cannot bear any more of you.
You make me want to be alone.
Am I ever gonna step out again?
I hate you now. I hate the way you make me feel (now); so miserable for doing nothing wrong.
You said you had hope. And just what did you do these 2 months? Did you come looking for me? Were any flowers delivered to me? Did you ask to see me? You don't even ask how I am.
You asked if I'm seeing someone. I said yes. Now come to think of it, why did I even tell you? I should've know better. I should've known you'd react the way you've been for the past 1 month. But I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt. That we would be adult about it.
You asked if I love you. You asked if I missed you. You asked if I still care. You asked all the questions that satisfies your heart. And then you got mad at me for being able to move on faster than you did. Just what did you expect? Wait for you to find someone before I move on?
You asked what if the roles were reversed. Don't you think I have thought about it? Thought about you seeing other people? Thought about you smiling while you're talking to her? Laughing at her wit? Holding her in your arms? Kissing her sweetly? Having it all that I had with you? You don't think I've thought about all that?
If that had happened, what could I have possibly done? I could only stick to my own world and feel sad & miserable. But I would never have done what you've been doing. I would never have taunt you for having found someone else. I would have felt like shit. But I want you happy too.
You say you want me happy. Then what is all these? Why are you threatening to hurt the people I care about? Because of your jealousy? You say whatever you want? And to me? Do you have a heart at all?
Who's to pick me up when I was broken? We broke up. You have no obligations to me. Neither do I have of you. Why are you being so selfish? You couldn't take me for all that I was. You make me deal with my own issues. I accepted that. You know very well yourself what kinda of man you have become. And I have ran out of patience and strength. Now that I'm able to move on, pick myself up, you punish me for it.
I should've change my number. People tell me if I love you enough I wouldn't have moved on this quick. What is this? A competition?
Look beneath:
It was a 3 years relationship. I saw the rest of my life with you. I saw us travelling, and possibly having kids & definatelty puppies. I saw us growing old. I saw us going places. I never saw this. I never saw I'd become so over-bearing. Never saw you'd give me excuses. Never saw that I'd go absolutely psycho because you don't give me one minute of attention.
We broke up. Because we changed. Things changed. We got tired. We couldn't deal anymore. We understood that. I thought you did.
But now I see that whatever it is that I do, it's all my fault. It's always me hurting you. Isn't it?
I would've walked miles for you. I would've done anything for you. Just to be with you. I have. And you know that. You broke my dreams. You broke my heart. I hate my weakness.
My moments of weakness with you is a reminder to me to be better everyday.
Along the way, something nice came along. Something distracted me of my weakness and finally puts a smile to my gloomy face, although it only lasts for awhile, compared to the tiny moments you have given me which can last me through any agonizingly horrendously painful days, it was just nice to have something forgotten again. Something which you forgot to give, which I have been missing for a long time, while we lost ourselves in fights.
Was that so wrong that you have to punish me for it now? So wrong that my love is being judged?
All I want is for someone to guide me through. And I thought it will always be you. You had that strength which I need. You were my everything. But you lost yourself as well.
And now you wouldn't even give me space to find my own happiness on my own, in my own ways. You kept judging me. In your eyes, I will always be that weak, that selfish. But amidst your judging, you forgot you made mistakes too. And I don't even blame you for it anymore.
I never thought I'd want you out of my life but I do. I cannot bear any more of you.
You make me want to be alone.
Am I ever gonna step out again?
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