Nostalgia

Been thinking about alot of things these few days...

Things that used to be so familiar....

It's funny how you miss things that you've become used to, that no longer is a routine.

I'm used to having my sisters and mom always around (to go home to), getting on my nerves alot of the time. But at the same time I know I'd risk my life to protect them in a heart beat. Now I'm over at pup's alot. Sister G & S kinda have their own things going on. Mom & Dad are like best friends now and I'm not talking to Dad, which kinda puts me off going home as often as I want to (for mom).

I'm used to making annual trips to Seremban for long holidays, visit Grams and Grandpa, have a hell lotta fun with my cousins. Now I've got work commitments, I only get to go visit them over weekends when I can afford to, cousins are all grown up, we're still close, but it's different as when we were young where we'd be literally be running about alot. Grams no longer around & I wonder how Grandpa's doing.

Things that used to upset me...

Fights mom and dad had, puppy's past relationships....

I'm not sure what exactly triggered me off... Menstration would be a cliche excuse...

Perhaps it was after the talk with Angel about this recent course she went through. One of the excercise was to unleashed past unhappiness. I'm assuming from these certain unhappiness were events where you would do something about it, but you couldn't back then because of certain consequences you were aware of.

I told Angel it's not an easy thing to do, she said it's not, but if you put yourself into that state, you will remember.

I challenged myself and tried at the moment (silly of me), but I couldn't really remember anything in precise. I'm aware. But I can't remember no matter how hard I tried.

Throughout the day, I thought about it. Wasn't sure if I did it out of challenging myself, or I just subconciously want to remember. And truely, they all came seeping back. All the disappointment (with myself), the sadness, expecially anger.

Strangely, most of it, were the past involving me and pups. It has only been 2 years plus, and thinking about our past seemed like so long ago. I started to feel sick thinking about how upset I was with the things he had said and done. I couldn't seem to stop. The more I thought, the angerier I got. I should've been over it. And I'm not sure whether I want to be angry, or really, it's just PMS.

And if I wanted to be angry, why? I would think by now, whatever's got me upset before, I would have been over it by now. But I guess, it's not about whether I've gotten over it or not. It's over when you stopped thinking about it. But somewhere along life, circumstances triggers a certain hurt. A scar which will never go away.

I think that's what it is. I've been scarred. That's all.

I remember how I always get choked with emotions. Whether I'm happy, or sad, or angry. I didn't know how to express them right.

I remember when my aunt died in a gas explosion (dad's younger sister). I was 13, and while I understood death, I was aware that there was a slight tinge of sadness because I know I will never see her again, but I'm not devastated, like how dad expected me to be. Why would he? Well basically, he had put it to my head that, when someone in the family dies, you should be devastated.

I remember feeling weird about it when he said that. A sort of anger. I couldn't explain it back then. But I understand now what it was.

I was angry because I know what I feel. I don't have to be told what to feel. I was sad, yes. But I was not close to her, enough to wail. But because I couldn't access this back then, I thought it was wrong not to feel that sense of pain of loss. So I forced myself to feel the pain and loss, and I cried, like I lost someone close, it was all made up in my head. She was a nice person, but I didn't know her. I didn't know what she did, what's her favourite color, her favorite food, where she lived. The hell was I crying for?!

Because of how I was restrained from thinking what I want to think, I stopped talking. At one point of time I stopped thinking and became stupid. Really. I don't know if it's laziness, or rejection. I was given the impression that I think rubbish. It's almost as if whatever I say, or thought, is wrong. Mom & Dad didn't do as much as restraining my thoughts and ideas as school did.

Singapore has the most efficient, most stupid education system ever. Those who rebelled during school grew up smarter/wittier than most PSLE or 'O' Level qualifiers. They grew up NORMAL.

Even at this age, I'm still struggling to talk properly. I think I've been doing fine. Once in awhile I go gibberish still.

Oh well.

I've been asked to go for an interview for docent volunteering. I'm having this mix feelings. I'm excited, and a little apprehensive about it because if I could go straight for zookeeping (volunteer), I wouldn't wanna waste my time with the docent volunteering. There's nothing official about the zookeeping, but I'm hoping this docent volunteering is just a milestone.

I'm excited. For now.

Tagged

1. Tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. To mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments.

The Perfect Lover
1. Sexual
2. Adventurous
3. Witty/Funny/Smart
4. Confident
5. Hot/Charming
7. Tall
8. Brunettes prefered. Blondes may apply.

Sex of Target
Male, Female.

Tagged Victims
Whoever sees this post.
Don't try to get away now.
God is watching.
And Satan is waiting.

Brokeback Mountain

I'm in love with Heath Ledger... and I'm looking at Jake Gyllenhaal different since.

Something in me shifted... no... more like... ressurected...?

Been feeling rather nostalgic since I saw the movie.

This nostagia is as bitter-sweet as it's supposed to be. It seems to get stronger everyday. Yearning to fantasize like how I did before(?) But of course, it was not all fantasy. Part of it were influenced by reality; Granted, I was immature then. But these intensity of emotions were real.

I can't seem to put them anymore into words...

I can't stop thinking about Brokeback Mountain...

Shallow-nessly Immature

Alot's been going through my head with regards to this post's title. I'm affected a great deal yes. Disspointed, angry, even betrayed perhaps (of trust/faith). But life goes on. I can't really say much. I'm not sure where to start. I'm not exactly over it.

Year 2006

Too much of shits been going on since the last time I blogged. I'm not sure if I can remember them all. Or even want to.

Grams gone to heaven. It is a tremendous loss to all of us - the grandchildren, the daughters, and the in-laws, especially Grandpa. I've never seen Mom break down like that as we all took one last look and said our last goodbyes to Grams. Seeing Mom broke down like that breaks me and I couldn't bear to look at her; I felt like I was gonna lose control of myself, and I can't let it happen.

Granpa's been holding out, till the day the casket had to be brought out to church; he cried. I felt his pain and I started to welled up again. I hate crying. It makes my eyes swell.

I miss Grandma. I miss her presence. I only see her on average twice a year. But it's always been comforting knowing she's still there, waiting for us to come visit and never fail to welcome us with a smile.

Yes. That smile. I never realized she's almost always smiling. Untill a friend of hers, a pastor, who was giving her memorial speech, mentioned how Grams is always smiling. Another male pastor, a friend of Grams too, said how Grams would always be calling to him loudly. And smiling.

It's a huge comfort to us all that she's going to Heaven. But at the same time I can't help be pissed that she has to go dying of stomach cancer, at 68. I'd always thought she'd die of old age.

Grams was the most generous, loudest and simply the most beautiful soul I have ever known my whole life. She is respected and loved by many. I hope she is happy where she is right now, and I pray I'll see her again.

A couple of weeks after, it was Christmas. We all gathered at Grandpa's, celebrated Christmas like how we do it almost every year. I went to Church (in a LONG time) with my aunts and cousins. Mom cooked a great deal of dishes. The cousins barbequed. It was one of best Christmas. There were more presents this year.

I love my cousins. They're just so funny, so full of crap, and so real.

Then it was new year. I made a silent resolution not to be late for work ever again. It may seemed a little far fetched for me, but I'm trying. I really am. And with the new year, I've decided to commit to this job. So I'm gonna have to talk to B.Boss soon.

Puppy and I have been going on stronger than before. I don't wanna say much. There's always the little tiffs. I love him with all my heart and soul and I'm scared to imagine what life would be without him.

I am also grateful to alot of people whom I've crossed paths with, and some, still walking down the same path with me. Each and everyone of these few favourites has inspired every inch of my being, keeping me optimistic about life.

I'm glad Mom's happy. I'm glad my sisters are growing up well and doing the things they like doing.

I don't show love the way others would like to see it. Sometimes I just don't know how. But by the little gestures, I hope they know, that I have them in my heart and mind.

Happy New Year everyone.

Happy New Year Gramma.

My Chemical Romance - Helena

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are, so far, from, you.

Burrrrning uuuup
Just like a match, you strike to incinerate
The lives, of everyone, you know...

And what's the worrrst you take...
With every hearrrt you break...
And like a blade you stain...
Well I've been hoolllding ooon tonight...

What's the worst that I can saaay
Things are better if I stay...
So looong, and goodnight...
So looong not goodniiight...

Caaaame a time...
When every starrrr falls
Brought you to tears again...
We arrrre the very hurrrrt youuu soooold...

And what's the worrrst youuu taaake...
From every hearrrt youuu breeaak...
And like a blaaade youuu staaaaiiin...
Well I've been hooolding oooonn tonight...

What's the worrst that I can say...
Things are better if I stay...
So long... and goodnight...
So long... not goodnight...

Well if you carry on this way...
Things are better if I stay...
So long... and goodnight...
So long... not goodnight...

Can... you... hear... me...
Are... you... near... me...
Can we... pretend... to leave... and then...
We'd meet... again...
When both... our carrrrs collide...

What's the worst that I can saaayyy
Things are better if I stayyyy
So looong and goodnight...
So looong not goodnight...

Well if you carry on this way...
Things are better if I stay...
So long... and goodnight...
So long not goodnight...

Grams not gonna make it to Christmas..............

Awareness

I'm so used to working so much for the past few weeks, that even when I took my time out to slack, surf net, within 5 minutes, I actually feel like going back to work. Psycho!

Been busy with the hunting, moving, shifting, cleaning, and still cleaning up the house; Puppy's and Angel's very own crib.

It's looking better with every effort put in to make it... tidier.

I'm very much aware of death right now. I mean, right at this very moment. Really. So aware it feels like death is staring right into my face.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt puppy died; I was stumped. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore, and when I woke, I hadn't realized it's only a dream.

I knew fully well that he was out in the field at that point of time. There was no way of contacting him to make sure he was okay. Then I started to doubt if the dream was indeed a dream.

It was only hours after, that the surreality (I made this up) faded, that I've finally managed to break through and told myself it's only a dream.

But I am still very much of aware of death. Very much more so for others (those who matters) than for my own.

I cannot possibly imagine how I could go on living if others were to... @#$%^&*

When I finally saw puppy yesterday, the surreality came seeping back. I touched his arm, grabbed him tight and kept my eyes on him, just to make sure he doesn't fade away.

I know it sounds crazy. I can't put it anymore in words how it felt, to actually have been convinced (by the dream) that he doesn't exist (anymore); thinking about it right now, sends a sense of extremely painful loss... through my entire soul. Like a bad orgasm.

Sure I've had thoughts about death of others. I've always understood that death is part of life. But I never thought I'd be this unprepared; The older you are, the closer you are to facing death; Yours, and others.

I'm not sure what to think of it anymore. I'm just hoping that this feeling will go away.

Before I forget... (7th October)

I remember meeting Puppy at the Orchard station... I remember walking around Isetan trying to find Revlon section again and again... I remember the puffer fish nesting itself in a comfy spot in the aquarium in Wisma Atria... I remember meeting Princess & Mr F and TL at Far East... I remember Puppy going to meet Jer at Tattoo first... I remember going to the food section scouting around for seats... Yes I remember being hungry...

I remember ordering some kinda kampung fried rice with poached egg... I remember regretting ordering it because TL got a better choice (sambal friend rice)... I remember not finishing the fried rice because of (1) TL's got a better choice and (2) I was getting pretty filled up with mine... I remember Princess getting greedy and dropped a fishball (stolen from Mr F) onto the table and wouldn't give it up because she insist the table is clean...*lol*

I remember opening one out of the 3 gifts (a box of chocolates, B.U.M wallet, just what I needed! and...) Princess and Mr F presented me a metal-studs-leather pendent choker... and feeling :D

I remember Gale texting me to hurry because she's hungry (she's standing by at Tattoo just in case any of my friends shows up)... I remember still taking my time with dinner >7

I remember going to the ladies, got changed, did my make up... I remember Puppy texting me that Jer's gone off... I remember Gale texting she's hungry (again)... I remember getting nerve wreacked (I'm taking too long to get ready)... I remember dreading to make my way to Scott's to draw some money... I remember making my way back to Far East...and finally, Tattoo.

I remember seeing my girls (Amb, Peach, Wend, Pris) and their boys (Des, Yao). I remember them all wearing black exceptDes (-_-) I remember getting excited. The night just started...

I remember apologizing to Puppy cos I took so long to get ready and left him on his own for quite some time. I remember Puppy assurring me it's okay. I remember feeling more chilled.

I remember Delisha and Kusom arrived awhile later, bearing a gift (a small pretty red pouch, with a crescent-jewelled choker, my jaw dropped at it's scarlet beauty). I remember how I've asked where they had came from (work) and feeling happy they managed to make it :)

I remember settling Princess, Mr F and TL down. I remember saying hi to Vic (?) when Gale told me I could order drinks through him.

I remember downing a flaming sambooka/lambogini (?), 2 shots tequila one after another (something I never thought I could do)... a birthday treat on the house (Tattoo).

I remember receiving a chalkboard-birthday message from my girls =...) Comes with a pack of chalks and duster! And a new bag (needed a new bag!) =D

I remember noticing Peach and Pris cut their hair. Very nice girls!

I remember M.Lady, Foizz, Shasha, Mel walked into Tattoo with litted cake (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I remember squealing...

I remember grinning so wide as they sang "Happy Birthday to me". I remember seeing Princess being happy for me seeing how happy I was =) I remember wanting to cut the cake before I blew out the candles until someone said "Make a wish!" I did... a long one till Shasha said "Make a wish not pray!"... Lol...

I wished for... NOT GONNA TELL! Cos I want it to come true... =) I'll give a clue... it's a simple wish and starts with the letter "H".

I remember puppy planting a kiss on my forehead...

I remember Hiro came with a Switchfoot CD. I've heard it. It's beautiful. Thank you.

I remember getting M.Lady to take pictures of me and my girls, of me and Delisha and Kusom, of me and Princess and Mr F and TL and Ed and HX. Oh yes Ed and HX came later. Memory is becoming a little blur here because of the shots and on top of that, mugs of beer.

Ed and HX got me a 4-leave Clover pendent chain. I heard it's good luck if you find a 4-leave Clover because Clovers are usually 3 leaves =.../

Took pictures with puppy and Foizz too...

I remember Tattoo bartenders being so nice...

I remember Les and QX came with a packet of gold hongbao :) I remember catching up with them on their lives after graduation... NS... what else is there.

I remember sitting with Princess and telling her who's who...

I remember taking more pictures with my girls...

I remember squealing when Hari and DD arrived (!!!!!!!!!)... then Dhilip came after~ Or was it the other way round...

I remember squealing somemore when Hari said "The one who works at loyang... what's her name? Yea she's hot." *LMAO*

I remember talking to Yao... about Chelsea thrashing Liverpool... *YAY*

I remember Tattoo playing James Blunt's You're Beautiful...

I remember Angel came despite her ear infection... *sayang*

I remember VJ came after bearing Cacao's Origin (chocolates from Venezuela, Trinidad, and Sto. Domingo)... I think I'm gonna take another one now...

Mmmm... Took Venezuela's. It's supposed to be sensual but I'm just feeling high on chocs!

I remember puppy checking on me once in awhile. I was getting high. I remember trying to walk a straight line outside the pub... guidelines from the floor... kept my feet on the lines... but kept leaning to my right... I wasn't drunk. High. I consider myself drunk when I start to puke.

I remember Delisha and Kusom had to go cos they've got work in the morning the next day. I remember regretting not having to introduced them to Princess and my girls...

I remember Princess and Mr F had to go...

I remember Ed and HX had to go...

I remember Les and QX and TL had to go...

I remember the girls had to go... getting late... I remember telling'em I'm so proud to call them my friends... I remember meaning it...

I remember wishing Rekh and D were there...

I remember Gale made VJ and M.Lady wear trash bag cos they didn't wear black... I remember taking pictures with all of them... I remember taking pics with puppy...I remember taking pics with the leftover girls... I remember a picture was taken for the left over boys... I remember M.Lady trying to slot herself into the the boys-only picture... Angel waving the trashbag... (-___-)

I remember having a blast...

I remember puking after everyone left Tattoo (closing time)... Drunk.

I remember feeling bad cos Hari and DD stayed the night for me but I had to go back cos I was puking.. alot...

I remember how thankful I am for puppy... for taking care of me...

I remember telling myself, the party wasn't a bad idea, AT ALL.

Thank you sister.

Obessesed with Black

I want my office phone to be black.
I want the cheques I sort every working day to be black.
I want my hair to be jet black.
I want office desk black.
I want my desk calendar black.
I want my notepads black.
I want my office computer black.
I want the office wall black.
I want the office floor black.
I want the sky black.
I want my eyes black (they're dark brown).
I want my keyboard black.
I want a black brush.
I want everything black, someone once told me, "even your boyfriend is 'black'".

Prince of Persia

I am absolutely, totally, immensely, crazily, ruthlessly, psychotic-ly OBSESSED with the game.

It is one of the most amazingly breathtaking game I have ever, ever played.

I'd post some really gorgeous screenshots but this stupid NT Window refused to let me. Besides, just looking at the screenshots won't have you understand just how... how... speechless it has made me. You gotta experience it for yourself.

Prince of Persia Triglogy is coming to an end with the not-so-soon release *WAILS* of Prince of Persia 3: The Two Thrones. It is said to be released in December 2005... or 2006 *CRY*

Puppy and I have played Prince of Persia: Warrior Within twice, because there is a secret alternate ending which I have been dying to see when I found out its existance. (After being deprived for sometime, I had to surf the net to quench my desire for more POP, checking out screenshots, reading reviews, surfed for secrets & viola!).

No one will understand how obsessed I am... I'd play back the path the Prince took in my head... hum the soundtracks from POP: Warrior Within.. (Godsmack is good shit, although I've only had 2 tracks so far, heh).

http://www.princeofpersiagame.com

Beware of deprivation once you start.

Oh my god I'm a geek!

And your cry baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

It has been 2 weeks plus since puppy's 22nd birthday. Mrs Darls got him another ipod, to replace the one he lost couple of months ago, also from Mrs Darls, for his 21st birthday. Ever since, puppy has been feeling terribly guilty of losing it. Took him some time to get over it. Of course he's just as excited and grateful about RockBox II.

Theme for the party was Rock n Roll, of course. Perfect for me, cos it's the only costume I'd ever look good in. Party by the pool, great music, great food, great people, great stories about ball bearings in penises (pain for the boys, pleasure for the girls), freaky shots (Benny captured an annonymous face while taking a pic for Angel, Soldier R and S) which led to more ghosts stories, and somehow leading to football debates among a Chelsea fan, 2 Arsenal fans, 1 Man United fan, and 1 Liverpool fan, and well, okay, and 1 more Chelsea supporter. What to do. It is the only team you get exposed to and influenced when you know nothing about football and your boyfriend's an ardent blue.

But for the record, I have learnt a thing or two about football. Well, at least for English football. It's not just about 11 men running after a silly ball. It's passion, skills, and of course, cute boys and handsome manager. Yeap, as far as I can see, Chelsea has them all. And I'm satisfied. Not an ardent blues, but satisfied.

Guess who's my favourite Chelsea player *grins*

And then there's the fight. Yeap there's always the fight. What can I say. We are different people. We have our opinions and views on how to live your mundane life and of course, relationships. I can't really say much, only, that this time it has taken a huge toll on me and of course on puppy as well. The screaming and the sobbing and wailing and more sobbing is over. For now.

I prayed and prayed. At least I got my peace of mind. I know what I want, how I want it. And that, I will get. Doesn't mean I don't care anymore.On the contrary, I cared too much before. It's time I take care of myself since, well, no one else can and the fact that I've always believe in independence, physically and emotionally. I know. Human can't help be dependent. But I'm gonna make it less of a hassel for me. And hell, I'm ony turning 21! Gawd I feel old.

Went to the beach with the girls last weekend, despite the horrendous weather and teenage crowd (stupid kids who doesn't know any better than wearing bikinis with obvious fats hanging out and acting like she's hot), it was relaxing to just lie in the sun (for a less than half an hour in between when the dark clouds loomed in before the sun finally settled and I got slightly tanned, yay!), soaked in the cool clean sea water, stuff our faces and ultimately, a relaxing time with the girls. I would like to do this as often. I wished for puppy to be there with me, but his job is taking a toll (by the time weekend comes...) and he's tanned enough and I've given up planning trips to the beach only to be disappointed in the end, not that I have a choice.

Being there with the girls is just as satisfying. I couldn't have taken my first step to wearing a bikini if it weren't for them.

Let's see, next outdoor trip... will only be jogs around the park down my block because I am god damn fucking broke even after pay day. Been skipping work too many times this month, not gonna get paid as much as I should. Working part time sucks.

Then there's the 2nd year anniversary. Fuck.

Wrath

I was just thinking last night, about the things I regret not doing.

This happened years ago when I was around 14. Me and family (yes including Dad, at that point of time things weren't as hectic as it got later on), went to GV Yishun to catch a movie. Sitting behind mom was an old couple, around 30s - 50s. The man (looking much older and sickly than the woman) was seated directly behind Mom and throughout the movie, he kept kicking at Mom's seat, probably out of habit. Mom told Dad. Dad told the fella nicely, to stop kicking the chair cos it's disturbing. He shouted (yes, in the middle of the movie), something along the line, "What! You own this cinema ah! So what if I'm kicking?! You own this place ah!" Then all the "fuck fuck" came out. I was obviously pissed off that he was disturbing me from enjoying the movie, even more pissed off that he kicked Mom's seat, and totally, boiling that he's screaming at MY dad.

Even though I hated Dad, a part of me had a soft spot for him cos he's my dad. I regretted not screaming at the man for shouting at my dad for the obvious wrong reasons. Because I was worried (gut feeling) he will start on how my parents raised me.

And now thinking about it, I'm even more pissed off with Dad for not beating the crap outta him, but he can beat a woman behind closed doors.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a joke.

Then there was this other time, at Grams, I supposed it was Chinese New Year cos everyone was there. Mom washed Dad's clothes. She forgot to check one of Dad's pant's pockets, it got wet, and there was a tiny notebook (with his client's details) found. I went to Dad, all young and innocent and asked if it was okay, he said to me in Mandarin, "It's wet. I'm gonna scold Mommy later." There I was thinking, you're the one who couldn't possibly have the reponsibility to look after your own things and you wanna fucking blame Mom? And for the record, it wasn't so wet that the book's ruined. It's a delicate work but if done properly, the notebook can be revived.

I went to Mom to check on her. Mom was obviously sorry that she forgot to check the pants, and there were my aunts, telling her how careless she is, that she should've checked, and I got even madder. OF COURSE she can help it. OF COURSE. You forgot. Then you remembered, then you check. Oh hey! It's not wet anymore! What the fuck. I wanted to scream at them to stop blaming Mom and be on Mom's side instead. But I couldn't. Cos Mom brought me up to respect adults.

I love all my aunts. They are a bunch of beautiful souls. I just wished at that point of time they'd been on Mom's side instead.

Now and then, I'd remember inciddents like these and get mad. And although I can't help but think that perhaps it's a good thing I didn't do what I thought I should have, I can't help regretting that I didn't. And it sucks.

There are more incidents like these, I just can't remember it now. These 2 regretful memories haunts me the most.

And if situations arises again, I'm not sure if I'd go around screaming at idiots because I am such that, I always worry about the people (who matters) around me.

XiaXue v.s SPG v.s Pathetic Singaporeans

When you're close to tears remember
Someday it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high

Though it's darker then December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high

And at the end of the day, remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day, remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We'll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Foever, you and me
You will always keep my flying high in the sky
Of love

LightHouse Family - High

************************************

I dedicate this to you too puppy...

'Get a room!' I hear. I'm not gonna stop being sappy as long as I'm in love so bite me.

I forgot how much this song tingles within.

So everyone's heard about the storm that whirled around Sarong Party Girl's ingeniously-brutally-right-smackingly-in-your-shallow-dickheads (pun intended, females included) blogged blog. Judgemental/insecure/pathetic idiots are slamming against this SPG's right to her own fucking opinion.

Opinions don't hurt unless you have issues (stupidity) with yourself.

I'm shocked that Singapore's most infamous blogger, XiaXue, is slamming against another's right. Coming from where she's (xiaxue) coming from (or least from what I have heard); smart (?), witty (?), funny (?), this has totally changed my opinion of her. Not that I've been a fan. But I am, sorry, was amused with some of her posts which I have managed to put in an effort to go to her blog and see what's all the fuss is about.

And there she (xiaxue) is, whining, crying about how people have been emailing mean things to her. It's truely pathetic. I would have been more impressed if she hadn't excused herself with "I am entitled to my own opinion blah blah blah *myeeeeehhhhh*" -- this is how I imagine her cry (which she admitted. stupid or what?) -- Like, hellowwww. Knocking against your own door with your not so filled little head, Snow?

I'm an avid reader of SPG's blog and never have I once hear her slam anyone. It's all about her. Her thoughts, her artwork (photos), her world. It's how a blog should be.

Where as for Stupid Snow, she feeds on popularity voicing her cynism on every little tiny thing and she crossed the line with conciously casually commenting on SPG's tities on the papers. Tsk tsk. Typical Singaporean. Stupid (picking on the wrong element to invoke your cynicsm on) and cannot mind their own business.

Posting nude pictures of yourself isn't what the bible, the kuran, or whatever religious script exists in the world would approve of, but at least SPG is honest with herself; She saw no need to slam how disgustingly pink XiaXue's blog is, how thick the layers of make up piled on that, face. She may be contradictive, which is totally forgivable; God's intention.

As far as I am concern, XiaXue deserves all the slamming she's getting now. 3 folds I'm sure. And I would like to email her my opinion, but I figured she's getting enough of it and who cares about my 2cents worth anyway.

She also mentioned something about how supportive her family and friends are with all these shit that's going on, I wonder how. I'd be damn dissapointed if my daughter did what she did and come crying about it. I'd pretend to sympathize if she's a friend.

As for SPG, she has my sympathy. Even more when I heard that the media are blaming her parents for bringing her up this way.

Like all of you are any holier.

Then I was reminded, that these, are tabloids. Not news. Tabloids.

We can't stop judging. It's human nature to judge. Anyone tells you to not judge, spit in their face and smile and say, don't judge that.

What went wrong with all these judging shit, is crossing the line. Judge, to a certain extend. Judge the SPG for flaunting her nudity. Judge her on her view on sex and money. But don't fucking judge her parents for bringing her up the way she is when she is fucking 20 years old. She obviously doesn't need her parents to hold her hands and teach her how to click on a mouse anymore.

Don't judge anything that doesn't hurt. In another words, don't be stupid. But I understand if you can't help your shal-low esteem.

Tsk.

Stupid.

Choked with disappointments

Oh my god... Could the time fly ANY slower.

I'm choked, hurt (dammit), disppointed (whatever), cold (in every sense of the word), bored (with work), busy (with everything else), sad, relieved (my god), faithles, hopeful (for nothing), mad, upset, cynical, skeptical, paranoid (everything just makes so much sense now?), smart (huh?), beautiful (where did that come from?), sexy (sure), souless (I dreamt I don't have a soul no more), exhilerated (not in a good way at all), focused (my mind's whirling), wise (too wise for my own own), stupid (what the hell am I doing), selfish (hell yeah), and loving (no more).

Hell, love can be legitimate for all I fucking care.

Boys are stupid & Women are always right

Don't get me wrong. I've always believed in equal rights. Justice is my sign.

No. Love is not legitimate.

It's crazy, unreasonable, confusing. Losing yourself is common. Love is it's own laws.

Love screw Justice. Pun intended.

I didn't disappear for almost a month for nothing.

It was dreadful. I can't explain it anymore than feeling dead to the world.

It was like another turning point.

The only blissful moments are the split seconds when I bury myself in the piles of work, little chirping from my noisy gurls, and spending time away from myself with a little help from distractions (beer, friends, and more beer), only to be torn away as soon it's starting to get better.

It's a deadly cycle. And it went on for the longest time.

Being apart made me realized my own oblivion. Thing's that I've always known better, but because of my selfishness (because of love, love is evil) I've chucked them away, enforcing my own needs more than ever. Expectations raised and more disaapointment. Yes another broken hearty momento.

All the sayings about love is blind, love is selfish, love is giving, woman are over sensitive, men are insensitive, boys are stupid, girls are hard to please, women are from venus, men are from mars... They were not just mere sayings.

How is it fair that different people show love the way they show it, and we're expected to understand that, and accept it, even when we don't see how it matters, as long as it's not how our own heart wants to see it.

I give and I give and I give. I don't see how it's unfair for me to be selfish now. I want to feel love the way I want to feel it too. Why the hell not. Love is selfish. I am selish. I'm friends with love. Friend friend.

I still can't accept it.

Messed up

You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

I'm in over my head
You got under my skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in
And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do
I'm too lost in you

Well you whispered to me
And I shiver inside
You undo me and move me
In ways undefined
And you're all I see
And you're all I need
Help me baby

Cos I'm slipping away
Like the sand to the tide
Falling into your arms
Falling into your eyes
If you get too near
I might disappear
I might lose my mind

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do
I'm too lost in you

I'm going crazy in love with you baby
I'm going down like a stone in the sea
No one can rescue me...

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you so deep
I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do
I'm too lost in you...

Sugababes - Too Lost In You

and nothing sweet about it.

To err or not to err

This one month is going to be the longest month of my life. Another turning point in my life perhaps. Am I really that young?

I've been thrown back and forth through decisions after decicions. One day I'd think... this isn't what I wanted... the next... I can be more patient... then I'd think... why does it have to be me... minutes later... I really shouldn't have...

I justify myself by telling myself that I've given so much... can I not be spared of a little space to be selfish?

I'm tired... the more I think... the more my head hurts... the heart doesn't really hurt anymore... I won't let it rule this time... I can't... Although sometimes it has it's mood... if it feels like breaking it'll break... and I blame it on the hormones.

Yes... I've lost myself... again...

Happy 18th G! (Part II)

I'm getting lazier... and lazier...

Party Eve...

Had to give the gang a miss at D's because I had to go shop for G's birthday banner materials.

Went to Spotlight (rumour has it it's closing down), got a fairly huge black card-paper, pink & silver glitters, and the finishing touch for enhancing it's decor, pretty green/brown/red furry rolls of 'strings'.

Just when I was feeling very satisfied with myself, Angel called, told me that she'd called York Hotel to check if we could check in any earlier on Party Day, and apparently, there was no room booked under my name, and that it was fully booked.

The amount of sweat I was breaking out... ..... ....

I felt my body heat rising and almost immediately I was telling myself "I knew it! I knew something will screw up I knew it!" & thinking of a back up plan all at the same time back & forth, that I didn't even hear Angel say "April's Fool!" the first time. So much for loving me HUH!!!

Party Day!!!

Went to Mustafa's for the first time (!) to get the menu-see for the party. My god there were aisles of shampoos, body wash and soaps, aisles and aisles of almost everything you can find in grocercies stores, only so much more variety! And not forgetting the most fantabulous (!) ice milo (with whipped cream!) & de-li-cious sardine/curry puffs (Spice Tree Curry Puffs, Geylang Lorong 10) I've ever had my whole fucking life.

Thank you M.Lady & Angel! *WAILS~*

Shopping was done in less than 2 hours. Rushed back to the hotel, made the banner, made contortions of Traffic Light (cherry tomatoes, cheese and cucumber), and decorated up the room with red & pink crape papers.

In less than an hour after the room was done up, G arrived with her little friends.

Surpriiiiiiiiise!!!

She skipped and hopped around at the doorway like a monkey (that she is). Excitment she shows.

Party went quite well. Alotta peeps turned up (not expected). Unfortunately the food ran out pretty quick we had to order another 4 more boxes of pizzas after the first 8.

Pictionary was a hell lotta fun. Everyone (mostly the legal aged) got pretty high early into the night, that it almost felt like 3am when it was only midnight.

Most G's friends left early. At 1am, the usual suspects plus a few others including G head out to Coco Lattae. Me, pups and his boys, G's friends who were staying over stayed in, and I slept.

Eventful. And also quite unfortunate; X.

X is underaged, a butch, and a fucking helluv an irritant; Detestable.

She changed to her home clothes, stood in front of the TV (when everyone was watching Miss Singapore, and just when Jon Johnsson appeared on the screen for M.Lady) & announced, "EVERYBODY! I'M IN MY HOME CLOTHES!"

Fuck you you understand.

Then, she'd fucking snatch a box of pizza which I had barely managed to get it out of the plastic bag (it just arrived), ran off to the other corner of the room, fed herself & a few others.

She'd been bugging G for drinks the whole night, when Gale refused to budge, Angel had to step in to make sure she knows she's not allowed to drink. X pouted, and stomped off, in such a way that, she thinks she's lovable.

I'll slap you you understand.

Later in the night, I found the bottle of vodka sitting on the bedside table in the other corner of the room. No price for guessing who's the fucking culprit.

Apparently she had a drink or two, got drunk and slept. ON THE BED.

*Deep Breathe*

If it wasn't for puppy who'd knocked some sense into me, to sleep on the bed ( I dozed on an armchair), I'd have let the bugger (I didn't really mind the others) have the bed. Which totally wouldn't have been fair to me, and my party organizers.

The ULTIMATE; Puppy and his boys went out of the room for a smoke, and returned to see X pouring his Johnny Walker (approximately $100) into the bottle's cap, measuring, smelling it, pour it into a cup probably filled with beer, mix'em, & left them.

*SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP*

Most of these were told to me. I was too busy making sure everything else was in place. If I had witnessed it myself, I could've ruined my own party for G.

G made sure X knew of her lousy mannerism, and she apologised.

Other than that, Party Day was quite a success. I'l like to thank the amazing duo, M.Lady & Angel, and my dearest-longest friends ever, PJ & Amb, for helping out, party was a success, and not making a single fuss about not being able to feed. So sorry! Really really appreciated the help.

LOVE LOVE!

Happy 18th Sister G! (Part I)

Before I go into further details, I would like to announce, that after much thoughts since I last blogged (been awhile apparently), I've decided, that this will be my last blog. And you know what...

Highlight to see message:

I'm kidding.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

If I've freaked any of you out, GOOD FOR ME!!! And BELATED APRIL FOOL'S TO YOU!!!

I can't believe it. I've been so busy with sister G's 18th birthday party and some personal shit, that I had to give April Fool's Day a miss. I didn't forget. I had to give everything else my absolute focus.

More on April's fool day later -_________________-

On G's 18th birthday (Thursday), we clubbed till dawn with a Usher, Harold & Kumar.

Me & G were in town early so we decided to take a stroll to Mdh Sultan and check out Wu Bar first (Ladies Night!) while waiting for the boys. The night was early, and I was dreading it, cos days before me and pups decided to take a break. Didn't help when DJ blasted Akon's Lonely. No worries! All's good after a calm, peaceful talking session. We've worked out what we're supposed to work on and we're a duo again.

The boys arrived an hour and a half later then planned *pffff* and we head to Cheeky's cos they've got cheaper drinks to acommodate the non-ladies. Usher turns 20 on the same day as well and since me & G didn't get him any birthday prezzie, I got one of the waitress, pretty hot (she was wearing a black long sleeve top (I think), short frilly uneven-ends skirt and heel boots), paid her 10 bucks to pull a tequila shot on him and a (short) hot make out session. Happy 20th Usher *grins*

Cheeky's closed and the dudes wanted supper but somehow Shah & G got all of us dragged to Desire. Nice crib but, didn't really enjoy myself cos, I was told not to leave a harmless half filled water bottle on the table (we were sitting outside of Desire), told to put my legs down (I had my legs up (it's a habit) on the cheap basket-weaved chair), and last straw, I was told not to stand on the 2-step-stairs (leading to the dance floor); I was looking for the peeps across the dance floor.

What the hell is their problem?!

I told puppy about this and puppy said it's all (by right) not allowed. They're just doing their job. But still! Hello! A half filled bottled water can't drown anyone! The chairs were not made of silk cushions! AND I WAS ONLY STANDING ON THE STAIRS FOR A MERE SECOND & THERE WAS NO FUCKING CROWD SO HOW THE HELL WAS ANYONE GONNA HURT ANYONE!

If they tell me it's all for safety measure, having litted candles in a club is safe?! Least to say bottles of opportunities to get drunk and pissed off is bearable?! BUT A BOTTLE OF WATER SITTING ON A TABLE, LEGS UP ON A CHAIR, AND STANDING ON STAIRS IS A BIG NO NO?!! Not cool man. Not cool.

If they tell me they're just doing their job, I'd say, fucking idiots.

I know for sure that I'm NEVER going back to Desire.

Pardon me. I didn't mean to sound all pissed off but thinking about it again cheesed me off big. And already I was in a foul mood to begin with.

Maybe I should've asked, just what the hell was the problem.

After Desire finally closed at around 6am, went to 7eleven to grab a fresh bottle of water and orange juice to wash down the alocohol for G & Harold. Both had too much to drink, I was tired, Usher and Kumar were just high. G, Harold & Kumar cheesed around for a bit. G trying to prove her strength by wanting to punch the daylights out of Harold's orange carton. Harold & Kumar took the longest time to get into position (Harold holding the carton, Kumar standing behind the carton so juice can explode all over him as planned, by G), and when G can finally hit the punch, the boys moved out of the way, and she hit air.

Sigh... all that work. We were all laughing pretty hard about it. Funny how Harold keeps trying to protect his 'baby' (the orange juice carton).

Me and Usher also took the longest time to get the drunkard children to the cab stand, you'd think that'd be the end of the night, G punched Kumar. Yea. All happy and making so much of noise one moment, the next, poof.

Apparently Kumar made some racist comments, and in my point of view, G punched him out of pure fun, but a little too hard, Kumar bled a little on the inside of his lower lip, and got pissed. I don't blame him. G really shouldn't have. So what if he made some racist comments. For your information, racist comments had been exchanged throughout the night and was all in good fun between the both of them.

So G apparently was upset about some comments he made, punched him, then later on apologised, and Kumar in turn softened, and admitted he deserved it.

-_______________-

The drunkards took the longest time to apologise to each other, and accept each other's apologies, that I got pissed (bad mood & freakin tired) and told Kumar to go ahead & slap G since she said she insisted she wouldn't feel good till he does, if not, I will. So he did. Nah he didn't. G took his hand and slapped herself with it. AND THEN! She took the longest time to get into the last of the 3 cabs that I managed to hailed. She knows I'm mad at her and she thinks it'll be a better idea if I just take the cab home and she'll take the trains. Pffff. Yea. Sure.

OF COURSE I wouldn't leave her alone! I didn't slap her either; It was just a spew of madness.

Finally, got home at around 7++ am. It was a working day, so I took half the day off and slept in.

G apologised. She knew whatever happened was stewpit. Good. So everything was well and fine again.

I still didn't manage to sleep well enough... not till the par-tay is over... to be continued.

Uhhhh...

Last week on my way home, I saw 2 of my old high school mates. I thought one of'em looked rather familiar but because the train was crowded, I couldn't really call out to'em. As the train clears out, one of'em saw me and called my name. Yay. They remembered. I got off my seat to join'em. They just stared.

"Whaaaaat... why yall staring at me like that?!"

Stare stare. Look look. Stare.

"What what whaaaat?!!"

"You've changed... alot...", one of them finally said.

I blushed and denied.

I have changed quite abit. Alot of old friends who'd recognize me would tell me that.

"More confident," the same one said.

I guess as you grow you get use to the world. And it has been a long, long time.

I'll be seeing alotta old friends sometime this weekend at ex-wife's 21st birthday chalet and I'm half dreading it cos, well, I really don't wanna be dealing with anymore you've changed's.

I dreamt of us (me and pups) getting married. Actually, rehearsing for our wedding ceremony. It's gonna be in the swimming pool. It was deep, and I felt this anxiety about the pool. Me and pups, the bridesmaid and best man are supposed to waddle towards the middle of the pool where the minister was waiting and where he'll be pronouncing us husband and wife. I was having a difficult time keeping my head above the suface after awhile and started to sink.

Because I was sinking, someone said we should take a break. I was swimming to the edge to catch my breath, puppy was already there, talking to his mother. She was not the same woman I know in real life.

Before I forget, very important, in the dream, puppy's physique was...wwhhhhhhaaooooo... *drools*

In the dream, I know I did not have a good relationship with his "mother" (vice versa in real life) and puppy was a full time mommy's boy. So as I swam towards the edge, towards him, I heard her telling him to, "..make sure when you marry her over, she cleans the dishes, do the laundry...," bacially, she thinks I'm a maid. I got pissed, told puppy that the wedding's off. And I waddled off in the opposite direction and ran away.

That wasn't the end of the dream but the point was pretty much it. Throughout the dream I was feeling this unspeakable anxiety. Not about the wedding (you'd think it's a good omen), about something I can't seem to put my tongue on it.

Now those of you who believes in dream interpretation, you'd think I've brought my hidden emotions (about something I felt) into my concious mind. I'd think otherwise. I think I've been haunted.

Come to think of it, I haven't been feeling myself lately. I felt as if a part of my soul is trapped in another dimensions. I've been phasing out and... I just felt... missing. I don't know if I've brought bad spirits upon me (unknowingly). And I have a feeling that the dreams I've been having these days (although adventurous, but dreadful), might have something to do with these... bad spirits. And when I wake, I feel incomplete.

I was pretty oblivious about it till Sunday. I'm not sure if it's just pup's mom's moodiness that was affecting me or because I just felt dirty (it was quite a humid day and I was too lazy to bathe). At the end of the day, I went home, took a shower, made sure I scrubbed myself clean before I hit the sack. I talked to god before I dozed. And I felt better.

I was told that having dreams of any kind of wedding is not a good omen. I checked it up on a couple of dream dictionary sites and one of'em described it as negative, a sign of death or funeral. I remember passing by a funeral when we (me, pups and pup's mom) were going for dinner on Sunday. Literally it just explained itself.

Full description: To dream of a wedding is a sign of a death and a funeral. There are various other meanings, but this one has always been the cardinal rule for weddings as they symbolize new beginnings, but only at the cost of the death of the former 'life'. This death could mean various types of endings, not necessarily that of the body.

I passed by a funeral literally, but it also didn't have to mean that of a body... so what is it? I'm still trying to figure out what part of my life is coming to an end and brewing towards a new beginning...

Puppy's getting his tattoo done today on his inner forearm; Till I collapse. I can't wait to see it.