XiaXue v.s SPG v.s Pathetic Singaporeans

When you're close to tears remember
Someday it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high

Though it's darker then December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high

And at the end of the day, remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day, remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We'll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Foever, you and me
You will always keep my flying high in the sky
Of love

LightHouse Family - High

************************************

I dedicate this to you too puppy...

'Get a room!' I hear. I'm not gonna stop being sappy as long as I'm in love so bite me.

I forgot how much this song tingles within.

So everyone's heard about the storm that whirled around Sarong Party Girl's ingeniously-brutally-right-smackingly-in-your-shallow-dickheads (pun intended, females included) blogged blog. Judgemental/insecure/pathetic idiots are slamming against this SPG's right to her own fucking opinion.

Opinions don't hurt unless you have issues (stupidity) with yourself.

I'm shocked that Singapore's most infamous blogger, XiaXue, is slamming against another's right. Coming from where she's (xiaxue) coming from (or least from what I have heard); smart (?), witty (?), funny (?), this has totally changed my opinion of her. Not that I've been a fan. But I am, sorry, was amused with some of her posts which I have managed to put in an effort to go to her blog and see what's all the fuss is about.

And there she (xiaxue) is, whining, crying about how people have been emailing mean things to her. It's truely pathetic. I would have been more impressed if she hadn't excused herself with "I am entitled to my own opinion blah blah blah *myeeeeehhhhh*" -- this is how I imagine her cry (which she admitted. stupid or what?) -- Like, hellowwww. Knocking against your own door with your not so filled little head, Snow?

I'm an avid reader of SPG's blog and never have I once hear her slam anyone. It's all about her. Her thoughts, her artwork (photos), her world. It's how a blog should be.

Where as for Stupid Snow, she feeds on popularity voicing her cynism on every little tiny thing and she crossed the line with conciously casually commenting on SPG's tities on the papers. Tsk tsk. Typical Singaporean. Stupid (picking on the wrong element to invoke your cynicsm on) and cannot mind their own business.

Posting nude pictures of yourself isn't what the bible, the kuran, or whatever religious script exists in the world would approve of, but at least SPG is honest with herself; She saw no need to slam how disgustingly pink XiaXue's blog is, how thick the layers of make up piled on that, face. She may be contradictive, which is totally forgivable; God's intention.

As far as I am concern, XiaXue deserves all the slamming she's getting now. 3 folds I'm sure. And I would like to email her my opinion, but I figured she's getting enough of it and who cares about my 2cents worth anyway.

She also mentioned something about how supportive her family and friends are with all these shit that's going on, I wonder how. I'd be damn dissapointed if my daughter did what she did and come crying about it. I'd pretend to sympathize if she's a friend.

As for SPG, she has my sympathy. Even more when I heard that the media are blaming her parents for bringing her up this way.

Like all of you are any holier.

Then I was reminded, that these, are tabloids. Not news. Tabloids.

We can't stop judging. It's human nature to judge. Anyone tells you to not judge, spit in their face and smile and say, don't judge that.

What went wrong with all these judging shit, is crossing the line. Judge, to a certain extend. Judge the SPG for flaunting her nudity. Judge her on her view on sex and money. But don't fucking judge her parents for bringing her up the way she is when she is fucking 20 years old. She obviously doesn't need her parents to hold her hands and teach her how to click on a mouse anymore.

Don't judge anything that doesn't hurt. In another words, don't be stupid. But I understand if you can't help your shal-low esteem.

Tsk.

Stupid.

Choked with disappointments

Oh my god... Could the time fly ANY slower.

I'm choked, hurt (dammit), disppointed (whatever), cold (in every sense of the word), bored (with work), busy (with everything else), sad, relieved (my god), faithles, hopeful (for nothing), mad, upset, cynical, skeptical, paranoid (everything just makes so much sense now?), smart (huh?), beautiful (where did that come from?), sexy (sure), souless (I dreamt I don't have a soul no more), exhilerated (not in a good way at all), focused (my mind's whirling), wise (too wise for my own own), stupid (what the hell am I doing), selfish (hell yeah), and loving (no more).

Hell, love can be legitimate for all I fucking care.

Boys are stupid & Women are always right

Don't get me wrong. I've always believed in equal rights. Justice is my sign.

No. Love is not legitimate.

It's crazy, unreasonable, confusing. Losing yourself is common. Love is it's own laws.

Love screw Justice. Pun intended.

I didn't disappear for almost a month for nothing.

It was dreadful. I can't explain it anymore than feeling dead to the world.

It was like another turning point.

The only blissful moments are the split seconds when I bury myself in the piles of work, little chirping from my noisy gurls, and spending time away from myself with a little help from distractions (beer, friends, and more beer), only to be torn away as soon it's starting to get better.

It's a deadly cycle. And it went on for the longest time.

Being apart made me realized my own oblivion. Thing's that I've always known better, but because of my selfishness (because of love, love is evil) I've chucked them away, enforcing my own needs more than ever. Expectations raised and more disaapointment. Yes another broken hearty momento.

All the sayings about love is blind, love is selfish, love is giving, woman are over sensitive, men are insensitive, boys are stupid, girls are hard to please, women are from venus, men are from mars... They were not just mere sayings.

How is it fair that different people show love the way they show it, and we're expected to understand that, and accept it, even when we don't see how it matters, as long as it's not how our own heart wants to see it.

I give and I give and I give. I don't see how it's unfair for me to be selfish now. I want to feel love the way I want to feel it too. Why the hell not. Love is selfish. I am selish. I'm friends with love. Friend friend.

I still can't accept it.

Messed up

You look into my eyes
I go out of my mind
I can't see anything
Cos this love's got me blind
I can't help myself
I can't break the spell
I can't even try

I'm in over my head
You got under my skin
I got no strength at all
In the state that I'm in
And my knees are weak
And my mouth can't speak
Fell too far this time

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do
I'm too lost in you

Well you whispered to me
And I shiver inside
You undo me and move me
In ways undefined
And you're all I see
And you're all I need
Help me baby

Cos I'm slipping away
Like the sand to the tide
Falling into your arms
Falling into your eyes
If you get too near
I might disappear
I might lose my mind

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you
So deep, I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do
I'm too lost in you

I'm going crazy in love with you baby
I'm going down like a stone in the sea
No one can rescue me...

Baby I'm too lost in you
Caught in you
Lost in everything about you so deep
I can't sleep
I can't think
I just think about the things that you do
I'm too lost in you...

Sugababes - Too Lost In You

and nothing sweet about it.

To err or not to err

This one month is going to be the longest month of my life. Another turning point in my life perhaps. Am I really that young?

I've been thrown back and forth through decisions after decicions. One day I'd think... this isn't what I wanted... the next... I can be more patient... then I'd think... why does it have to be me... minutes later... I really shouldn't have...

I justify myself by telling myself that I've given so much... can I not be spared of a little space to be selfish?

I'm tired... the more I think... the more my head hurts... the heart doesn't really hurt anymore... I won't let it rule this time... I can't... Although sometimes it has it's mood... if it feels like breaking it'll break... and I blame it on the hormones.

Yes... I've lost myself... again...

Happy 18th G! (Part II)

I'm getting lazier... and lazier...

Party Eve...

Had to give the gang a miss at D's because I had to go shop for G's birthday banner materials.

Went to Spotlight (rumour has it it's closing down), got a fairly huge black card-paper, pink & silver glitters, and the finishing touch for enhancing it's decor, pretty green/brown/red furry rolls of 'strings'.

Just when I was feeling very satisfied with myself, Angel called, told me that she'd called York Hotel to check if we could check in any earlier on Party Day, and apparently, there was no room booked under my name, and that it was fully booked.

The amount of sweat I was breaking out... ..... ....

I felt my body heat rising and almost immediately I was telling myself "I knew it! I knew something will screw up I knew it!" & thinking of a back up plan all at the same time back & forth, that I didn't even hear Angel say "April's Fool!" the first time. So much for loving me HUH!!!

Party Day!!!

Went to Mustafa's for the first time (!) to get the menu-see for the party. My god there were aisles of shampoos, body wash and soaps, aisles and aisles of almost everything you can find in grocercies stores, only so much more variety! And not forgetting the most fantabulous (!) ice milo (with whipped cream!) & de-li-cious sardine/curry puffs (Spice Tree Curry Puffs, Geylang Lorong 10) I've ever had my whole fucking life.

Thank you M.Lady & Angel! *WAILS~*

Shopping was done in less than 2 hours. Rushed back to the hotel, made the banner, made contortions of Traffic Light (cherry tomatoes, cheese and cucumber), and decorated up the room with red & pink crape papers.

In less than an hour after the room was done up, G arrived with her little friends.

Surpriiiiiiiiise!!!

She skipped and hopped around at the doorway like a monkey (that she is). Excitment she shows.

Party went quite well. Alotta peeps turned up (not expected). Unfortunately the food ran out pretty quick we had to order another 4 more boxes of pizzas after the first 8.

Pictionary was a hell lotta fun. Everyone (mostly the legal aged) got pretty high early into the night, that it almost felt like 3am when it was only midnight.

Most G's friends left early. At 1am, the usual suspects plus a few others including G head out to Coco Lattae. Me, pups and his boys, G's friends who were staying over stayed in, and I slept.

Eventful. And also quite unfortunate; X.

X is underaged, a butch, and a fucking helluv an irritant; Detestable.

She changed to her home clothes, stood in front of the TV (when everyone was watching Miss Singapore, and just when Jon Johnsson appeared on the screen for M.Lady) & announced, "EVERYBODY! I'M IN MY HOME CLOTHES!"

Fuck you you understand.

Then, she'd fucking snatch a box of pizza which I had barely managed to get it out of the plastic bag (it just arrived), ran off to the other corner of the room, fed herself & a few others.

She'd been bugging G for drinks the whole night, when Gale refused to budge, Angel had to step in to make sure she knows she's not allowed to drink. X pouted, and stomped off, in such a way that, she thinks she's lovable.

I'll slap you you understand.

Later in the night, I found the bottle of vodka sitting on the bedside table in the other corner of the room. No price for guessing who's the fucking culprit.

Apparently she had a drink or two, got drunk and slept. ON THE BED.

*Deep Breathe*

If it wasn't for puppy who'd knocked some sense into me, to sleep on the bed ( I dozed on an armchair), I'd have let the bugger (I didn't really mind the others) have the bed. Which totally wouldn't have been fair to me, and my party organizers.

The ULTIMATE; Puppy and his boys went out of the room for a smoke, and returned to see X pouring his Johnny Walker (approximately $100) into the bottle's cap, measuring, smelling it, pour it into a cup probably filled with beer, mix'em, & left them.

*SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP*

Most of these were told to me. I was too busy making sure everything else was in place. If I had witnessed it myself, I could've ruined my own party for G.

G made sure X knew of her lousy mannerism, and she apologised.

Other than that, Party Day was quite a success. I'l like to thank the amazing duo, M.Lady & Angel, and my dearest-longest friends ever, PJ & Amb, for helping out, party was a success, and not making a single fuss about not being able to feed. So sorry! Really really appreciated the help.

LOVE LOVE!

Happy 18th Sister G! (Part I)

Before I go into further details, I would like to announce, that after much thoughts since I last blogged (been awhile apparently), I've decided, that this will be my last blog. And you know what...

Highlight to see message:

I'm kidding.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

If I've freaked any of you out, GOOD FOR ME!!! And BELATED APRIL FOOL'S TO YOU!!!

I can't believe it. I've been so busy with sister G's 18th birthday party and some personal shit, that I had to give April Fool's Day a miss. I didn't forget. I had to give everything else my absolute focus.

More on April's fool day later -_________________-

On G's 18th birthday (Thursday), we clubbed till dawn with a Usher, Harold & Kumar.

Me & G were in town early so we decided to take a stroll to Mdh Sultan and check out Wu Bar first (Ladies Night!) while waiting for the boys. The night was early, and I was dreading it, cos days before me and pups decided to take a break. Didn't help when DJ blasted Akon's Lonely. No worries! All's good after a calm, peaceful talking session. We've worked out what we're supposed to work on and we're a duo again.

The boys arrived an hour and a half later then planned *pffff* and we head to Cheeky's cos they've got cheaper drinks to acommodate the non-ladies. Usher turns 20 on the same day as well and since me & G didn't get him any birthday prezzie, I got one of the waitress, pretty hot (she was wearing a black long sleeve top (I think), short frilly uneven-ends skirt and heel boots), paid her 10 bucks to pull a tequila shot on him and a (short) hot make out session. Happy 20th Usher *grins*

Cheeky's closed and the dudes wanted supper but somehow Shah & G got all of us dragged to Desire. Nice crib but, didn't really enjoy myself cos, I was told not to leave a harmless half filled water bottle on the table (we were sitting outside of Desire), told to put my legs down (I had my legs up (it's a habit) on the cheap basket-weaved chair), and last straw, I was told not to stand on the 2-step-stairs (leading to the dance floor); I was looking for the peeps across the dance floor.

What the hell is their problem?!

I told puppy about this and puppy said it's all (by right) not allowed. They're just doing their job. But still! Hello! A half filled bottled water can't drown anyone! The chairs were not made of silk cushions! AND I WAS ONLY STANDING ON THE STAIRS FOR A MERE SECOND & THERE WAS NO FUCKING CROWD SO HOW THE HELL WAS ANYONE GONNA HURT ANYONE!

If they tell me it's all for safety measure, having litted candles in a club is safe?! Least to say bottles of opportunities to get drunk and pissed off is bearable?! BUT A BOTTLE OF WATER SITTING ON A TABLE, LEGS UP ON A CHAIR, AND STANDING ON STAIRS IS A BIG NO NO?!! Not cool man. Not cool.

If they tell me they're just doing their job, I'd say, fucking idiots.

I know for sure that I'm NEVER going back to Desire.

Pardon me. I didn't mean to sound all pissed off but thinking about it again cheesed me off big. And already I was in a foul mood to begin with.

Maybe I should've asked, just what the hell was the problem.

After Desire finally closed at around 6am, went to 7eleven to grab a fresh bottle of water and orange juice to wash down the alocohol for G & Harold. Both had too much to drink, I was tired, Usher and Kumar were just high. G, Harold & Kumar cheesed around for a bit. G trying to prove her strength by wanting to punch the daylights out of Harold's orange carton. Harold & Kumar took the longest time to get into position (Harold holding the carton, Kumar standing behind the carton so juice can explode all over him as planned, by G), and when G can finally hit the punch, the boys moved out of the way, and she hit air.

Sigh... all that work. We were all laughing pretty hard about it. Funny how Harold keeps trying to protect his 'baby' (the orange juice carton).

Me and Usher also took the longest time to get the drunkard children to the cab stand, you'd think that'd be the end of the night, G punched Kumar. Yea. All happy and making so much of noise one moment, the next, poof.

Apparently Kumar made some racist comments, and in my point of view, G punched him out of pure fun, but a little too hard, Kumar bled a little on the inside of his lower lip, and got pissed. I don't blame him. G really shouldn't have. So what if he made some racist comments. For your information, racist comments had been exchanged throughout the night and was all in good fun between the both of them.

So G apparently was upset about some comments he made, punched him, then later on apologised, and Kumar in turn softened, and admitted he deserved it.

-_______________-

The drunkards took the longest time to apologise to each other, and accept each other's apologies, that I got pissed (bad mood & freakin tired) and told Kumar to go ahead & slap G since she said she insisted she wouldn't feel good till he does, if not, I will. So he did. Nah he didn't. G took his hand and slapped herself with it. AND THEN! She took the longest time to get into the last of the 3 cabs that I managed to hailed. She knows I'm mad at her and she thinks it'll be a better idea if I just take the cab home and she'll take the trains. Pffff. Yea. Sure.

OF COURSE I wouldn't leave her alone! I didn't slap her either; It was just a spew of madness.

Finally, got home at around 7++ am. It was a working day, so I took half the day off and slept in.

G apologised. She knew whatever happened was stewpit. Good. So everything was well and fine again.

I still didn't manage to sleep well enough... not till the par-tay is over... to be continued.

Uhhhh...

Last week on my way home, I saw 2 of my old high school mates. I thought one of'em looked rather familiar but because the train was crowded, I couldn't really call out to'em. As the train clears out, one of'em saw me and called my name. Yay. They remembered. I got off my seat to join'em. They just stared.

"Whaaaaat... why yall staring at me like that?!"

Stare stare. Look look. Stare.

"What what whaaaat?!!"

"You've changed... alot...", one of them finally said.

I blushed and denied.

I have changed quite abit. Alot of old friends who'd recognize me would tell me that.

"More confident," the same one said.

I guess as you grow you get use to the world. And it has been a long, long time.

I'll be seeing alotta old friends sometime this weekend at ex-wife's 21st birthday chalet and I'm half dreading it cos, well, I really don't wanna be dealing with anymore you've changed's.

I dreamt of us (me and pups) getting married. Actually, rehearsing for our wedding ceremony. It's gonna be in the swimming pool. It was deep, and I felt this anxiety about the pool. Me and pups, the bridesmaid and best man are supposed to waddle towards the middle of the pool where the minister was waiting and where he'll be pronouncing us husband and wife. I was having a difficult time keeping my head above the suface after awhile and started to sink.

Because I was sinking, someone said we should take a break. I was swimming to the edge to catch my breath, puppy was already there, talking to his mother. She was not the same woman I know in real life.

Before I forget, very important, in the dream, puppy's physique was...wwhhhhhhaaooooo... *drools*

In the dream, I know I did not have a good relationship with his "mother" (vice versa in real life) and puppy was a full time mommy's boy. So as I swam towards the edge, towards him, I heard her telling him to, "..make sure when you marry her over, she cleans the dishes, do the laundry...," bacially, she thinks I'm a maid. I got pissed, told puppy that the wedding's off. And I waddled off in the opposite direction and ran away.

That wasn't the end of the dream but the point was pretty much it. Throughout the dream I was feeling this unspeakable anxiety. Not about the wedding (you'd think it's a good omen), about something I can't seem to put my tongue on it.

Now those of you who believes in dream interpretation, you'd think I've brought my hidden emotions (about something I felt) into my concious mind. I'd think otherwise. I think I've been haunted.

Come to think of it, I haven't been feeling myself lately. I felt as if a part of my soul is trapped in another dimensions. I've been phasing out and... I just felt... missing. I don't know if I've brought bad spirits upon me (unknowingly). And I have a feeling that the dreams I've been having these days (although adventurous, but dreadful), might have something to do with these... bad spirits. And when I wake, I feel incomplete.

I was pretty oblivious about it till Sunday. I'm not sure if it's just pup's mom's moodiness that was affecting me or because I just felt dirty (it was quite a humid day and I was too lazy to bathe). At the end of the day, I went home, took a shower, made sure I scrubbed myself clean before I hit the sack. I talked to god before I dozed. And I felt better.

I was told that having dreams of any kind of wedding is not a good omen. I checked it up on a couple of dream dictionary sites and one of'em described it as negative, a sign of death or funeral. I remember passing by a funeral when we (me, pups and pup's mom) were going for dinner on Sunday. Literally it just explained itself.

Full description: To dream of a wedding is a sign of a death and a funeral. There are various other meanings, but this one has always been the cardinal rule for weddings as they symbolize new beginnings, but only at the cost of the death of the former 'life'. This death could mean various types of endings, not necessarily that of the body.

I passed by a funeral literally, but it also didn't have to mean that of a body... so what is it? I'm still trying to figure out what part of my life is coming to an end and brewing towards a new beginning...

Puppy's getting his tattoo done today on his inner forearm; Till I collapse. I can't wait to see it.

Smile smile

Went to see puppy last night. I was a bit hesitant about it though cos I didn't know if I was ready to see or talk to him yet. But it's been 4 days and I missed him a hell lot. So much I felt lethargic the whole time. Numb and whatever-ish.

We talked about what happenned. And it's all good. I'm satisfied. He seemed satisfied. We're happy again. I feel fine now. I really do. In every aspect of the word.

It's already 7pm and I'm still lurking around in the office. Speaking of lurking... hmmm... another blog maybe. Gotta ciao.

S.I.G.H.

Noticed I've been using the word 'rut' alot. I never knew what it really meant untill I checked the dictionary.

1. An annually recurring condition or period of sexual excitement and reproductive activity in male deer.
2. A condition or period of mammalian sexual activity, such as estrus.
3. A sucken track or groove made by the passage of vehicles.
4. A fixed, usually boring routine.

I like how the word 'rut' sound with how I wanted to express it so, I'm not gonna stop using the word the way I wanna use it.

PJ's first day at work today!!! I just remembered. Heh. I'm very proud and happy of/for the lil rut. She got the job she wanted and lets hope she doesn't forget us when she gets up there! Heh. Nah. I have faith in all of us: The Gang.

I'm still feeling very moody about the situation between me and pups. Haven't really been talking to each other but there is a bit of messaging here and there. Dunno how things will go between us. I'm letting time do it's thang.

It's been a slow week and alot has been going on in my head (relationship wise and other stuffs which I somehow managed to link them with) and I... forgot.

Fuck it. How 'bout some comforting snack instead.

HERSHEY'S Creamy Milk Chocolate.

I dreamt I had a pet shark, who'd wag it's fin :)

Love sucks

We pigged out at Sakura's. Satisfying meal (tom yam chicken soup, kailan with oyster sauce, hotplate beancurd, hotplate black pepper chicken, fried wanton, fried baby squid) indeed. Mango Tropicana for dessert, then we hit the arcade. Raced abit and made the dudes jumped DDR (Dance Dance Revolution). Funny sight (hur hur hur!) Princess and I cracked up quite a bit.

Got the birthday boy 2 tees. One with a shot-down cupid with a message Love sucks, and the other, black, with some kinda, guard-ish design. Can't describe much. Basically, it's cool.

Wasn't anything big but it was good spending time together.

Side's that, not a lovey dovey weekend for moi. Love sucks.

: )

Just had one of the richest chocolate cake ever. It was to celebrate The Economist (I think) hitting the one million copies (of magazines?) circulated in Asia target. M.Lady and Angel would've appreciated it (the cake) as much (probably more) as I had. On the other hand, M.Lady's probably enjoying JJ at this moment even more *grins*

I'm satisfied... *pats beer belly*

Moose's birthday dinner tomorrow. Still trying to decide which pig-out to go (Sakura's or Swenson's). Haven't even got him a gift yet. Meeting Princess after work.

PS2 would've made the perfect gift for the boy but we're all short. Because of his duties in camp, can't afford to plan anything big. What a 21st.

Stomach ache...

Need to pee...

Later!

!@#$%^&*

Printed on one of the pages in Recruits, big and bold; ANIMAL KEEPER. I'm looking at it, and something in me still stirs even though I have already made up my mind. (Finally, after having to split my head the whole night.)

How do you choose between a job that pays you enough to pay off bills, split allowance with mommy and still live fairly comfortably financially, but it's only a part time job, and a job which pays you peanuts, but a career you've been dreaming of since the time you knew love?

I have been waiting for this moment and here it is. Right smack in the middle of my life. I was exhilarated. I starting imagining myself cleaning up those piles of shit, chopping up fruits and vegetables packed away in red buckets, having foam parties with the rhinos and the elephants, playing with the chicks and ducks, talking to the horses, hogging and sweating and worrying about smelling like pigs, getting bitten by snakes and porcupines...

My dream life, once again for the millionth time flashing through my head as I read the job scope.

And once again I have to put it aside.

The only thing I'm complaning about the current job is that it's boring. The money is good. The people in the office are pleasant. Most times I'm thankful for the amount of free time I have on hand at work so I can blog shit and surf crap.

At the same time, I'm so so so drawn to waking up early in the morning (SMILING NOT GROANING) knowing I'm gonna spend the whole day working with the four/six/seven leggeds! And sacrificing time with puppy? Reducing allowance for mommy? And probably be broke all the damn time?

I was so excited about the opoortunity that despite knowing fully well that I have more to lose than gain if I take it up, I still want it. I didn't want to care if I'm gonna be broke all the time. I didn't want to care if I won't get to see puppy as much cos it makes no difference to our situations even now, I didn't want to care if I had to cut down on the allowance for mom. I didn't want to care about anything except for my own undying passion.

I was almost 100% set on going for the interview today. I was worried about what I'd tell puppy. What am I gonna say? That I didn't care? BUT I DO!

After talking to puppy about it, a part of the load was lifted off my chest; Puppy reminded me, that the reason why I was feeling the way I was (stuck and hopeless even though a part of me was still hopeful, in another words, shitty) is because I made a commitment. I made a commitment to the job that I have now. I stopped actively looking for a space in the zoo because I told myself that I'll stick to this for as long as the job will keep me. There is nothing to lose. I have a job and I'm earning more than a standard part-timer would earn in a month. I'm financially independent (the one thing which will be very difficult for me to let go of)!

Another consolation would be, according to Amb, the zoo opens up for volunteers once every year. Chances of being part of the crew is still, well, achievable!

Untill I'm ready for that kind of commitment, I am truely, quite fairly content with the pay I am getting right now and as far as I am concerned, money comes into play at this moment for me.

It is the part where I want to be able to spend time with puppy, where I want to be able to give Mom a not-too-shabby allowance, where I want to be financially independent, that is holding me back.

As much as I'd like to have this dream come true, I'm in no hurry to smell like a pig.

Pulling a stunt

I haven't slept since yesterday morning (when I wake for work).

Was seeing D off at the airport earlier during the night. She's off to Brisbane for a new school life and should reach by now. Quite a bunch turned up. D was all over the place, hugging everyone for the last time. Her mom was not looking very happy probably cos we were holding her back from going in early. Chill mom. Plane's coming back in 3 days max but D's going for 5 months.

I threatened to carry her home. She's so small! Easy.

D cried. So did the rest (Amb, Rex (starter), Wend and PJ). Awww... Heh. The gang won't be the same without D really. Soon Rex will be on her way back to Perth =( I WANNA GO TOO!!!

We were missing D already when she checked in. Weird. Just weird...

Head down to Checker's for supper. Not too bad. Lotus (soup) and cream of chicken (soup) was filling the stomach up pretty well. And we talked... and we talked... and we talked... ..... and.... we talked..... ..... and we talked.... and..... ... .... ... ...talked......a....n...d.... .... .. t..........al.....k...... .... ... ...

6am and we were all dozing off big time. Then someone suggested Kiliney's for breakfast... so we walked.... and we walked.... and... .. ... .... ...w... a..... l.....k...ed..... ... ....... ... .....

Toasts and half boiled eggs for each of us. Stomach's not feeling too good. Not cos the food isn't good. I'm lacking energy... need.... sleep... bad... ... ........

Somehow I decided to come to work anyway.

Came to the office early... napped for like an hour plus.... splashed my face with cold water... only helped for like a split second.... still dead... fucking.... sleepy...

Still trying to decide if I should take the later half of the day off... ... .........

Urghhhh.... stomachache now...

Not pretty... not pretty at all... ... ...... ...

Happy 21st Princess!

Princess turns 21 on the eve of the last day of the month of January!

She's one of the first to turn 21 among the group of us so naturally, I'm still feeling excited for her!

29 Janaury 2005, 1600 hr: Princess came over to my crib to chill for a bit before the night of surprises starts. First birthday surprise (gift, if you will) was a pretty shiny lil tiara! She was to wear it through the night, symbolizing the 'steps' she was taking to be born once again to official adulthood! But nooooo. She quietly took it off during dinner.

29 January 2005, 1745 hr: Left the crib to joined up with Moose and D-dude (2nd surprise of the night) who were waiting at the station (as planned). From the squealing, her highness was obviously pleased seeing that her 2 knights were charmingly dressed and waiting for her arrival. Puppy whizzed by in a cab, picked up Princess and D-dude while me and Moose flagged another, down to 21 Club Street.

29 January 2005, 1830 hr: Dinner at Senso, an Italian restaurant (3rd surprise of the night). We were seated in a lovely courtyard ambience. Dinner was as lovely as it looked. Softest, most chewy lasagna I've ever had. Puppy had his share too. Princess and Moose had some cod or dory, thing. Fresh. D-dude had Ravioli. Tasty.

29 January 2005, 1900 hr: Mr K called Moose and told him that the cab driver (who apparently said "so near you want to take cab?!") taught him how to walk to club street.

29 January 2005, 1915 hr: Mr K should reach by now, but he isn't... (It only takes 5 minutes to get to Senso from where he was.)

29 January 2005, 1920 hr: Got Moose to call Mr K, turns out, he's stranded at (sounded like) Ang Chun Hill. Which I have no clue where that is, was hoping it'd better be within a 100 metre radius. A couple of minutes later Mr K said he's at 92 Club Street (-_-). Another minute passed, Mr K said, enthusiastically "ok I'm nearer! 52 Club street!" (-____-) Puppy suggested he asked around for Senso. Which he did and managed to reach in 5 minutes. Finally.

29 January 2005, 2008 hr: Satisfied with dinner, it's time to get the bill. This is the part where I got cheesed off abit. See I was in abit of a hurry to get the gang to the next location, so any dudes with a vest top and apron will do right? Called for this white guy in purple/yellow (if my memory didn't fail me) vest and apron around his waist, asked for the bill as he whizzed off in a hurry with a bottle of wine, or cork screw, whichever, and as he did so he signalled and probably said something like wait I'll be right back. Minutes later he whizzed past me again, managed to make eye contact with him for like 5 seconds in which he hurriedly explained with such arrogance and accent (which didn't make it any easier trying to understand him), (something close to) I'm the wine guy. I can't get you the bill. If I get you the bill other guests will be wailing for their wine. (Okay I added in the wailing part. That was how he made it sound like anyway.) Pointing to those in black/white vest top, They can get you the bill. Geeez. Other than that one petty moment, dinner was definately enjoyable, listening to the boys "chirped" about their national service life.

29 January 2005, about 2030 hr: Reached NewAsia, but we couldn't get in. Underaged boys. Crap. I felt really bad I didn't have a plan B for this. So sorry I made yall dressed up and in the end I couldn't get you guys in. Gurls above 18 were allowed though. So I brought Princess in for a little tour around the highest clubs in Singapore. I wished so bad for all of us to be in there, chilling, drinking, and enjoying the view (enough of the little boring island. Hows about a little meat *grins*). 5 minutes later, me and Princess were out. Tried to think up of a plan B. And decided to settle down at a spacious corner just outside Raffles shopping mall.

Brought in the brithday cake, Chocolate Classico. Yum. Also, a small bouquet of (one) pink Geberra. One of Princess's favourite flowers. It was supposed to be a bouquet of 21 white roses but, it was waaay too expensive for our budget. Happy 21st Princess!

Angel, M.Lady and Faiz dropped by for a little while before all of us decided to move on to... Esplanade. Last minute decision since we still have some time before Princess has to get home. Last surprise for the night (for all of us!), Taufic and gang were around the area as well. Princess managed to take some pics. Princess happy.

The night ended pretty well. Everyone's happy. Cept puppy was looking really shagged... *kisses*

A little reminder to myself, all is well again... =)

Okay. Not joyful. But okay.

It's been days since the unfateful. Breathing has been heavy. I can't (couldn't) talk about it because I didn't witnessed it firsthand. What's done's done. Said's said. Time will tell how things will go.

"Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers.
Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers"

Eminem - Like Toy Soldier

I'm okay... Not joyful. But okay...

Hi Harry. Yes Harry. Tell Harry.

Weekend was a blast. Quite.

Mrs Darls turns 52 on Friday. Angel & I went over to her place to usher in the sacred day the day before. Snucked around the house trying to get one candle litted up (for the rest). From the kitchen to Puppy's room (where the almond fruitcake is hidden). The wind had to blow it out. Scurried back to the kitchen again, trying as hard as possible to look... disdained. Ha. Clock stirkes 12 as Angel pretends to get ready to leave. Lights off and out I marched with the litted cake.

Obviously that was just the beginning.

On the actual day itself, Angel & M.Lady brought Mrs Darls and Aunty Su to this brilliant Indian restaurent. I was away up north, meeting Princess and sister G for ice cream at Swensons. Head off to New Asia with another cake (Yogurt Frost) to surprise Mrs Darls yet again. Followed by a birthday movie treat at Suntec. Shall we dance? Lovely.

Saturday was D's bbq day. Put all the gurls to work and this is what you get; charcoals refused to burn because we couldn't block out the wind; chopsticks & plastic spoons were used to place fire-starters into place; fire starters crumbles to peices when it burns for too long before we managed to place the charcoals into position; rebuilding the structure (of charcoals) because they didn't catch the fire before the fire starters burnt out; thumb burnt while trying to brave the heat (from charcoals) out of desperation of hunger to put those fucking charcoals into place; a box of (about 20) fire starters were used to start the first session. (on average, less then 5 is needed).

The mess was paid off with fairly over cooked chicken wings, hot dogs, piles of seafood which I don't particularly pay attention to cos I'm allergic. Not forgetting beers and lots of hilarious card games. Alright it's either hilarious cos of the beer or the gang. But either way, I can safely say for all of us (me, Rex, Amb, PJ, D, Syl, Rex's boy) that we enjoyed the stupid rules of the rule card (Kings), the retardedness of waving your fingers (mostly the indexes & the middles) frantically in each other's faces to get a 4-of-a-kind then do a retarded move/pose (no sounds allowed!) to show you're the winner and the last to notice gets leveled up (loser!). You do not speak to those who are of a higher level (you don't want to be leveled up). But those of higher levels are allowed to manipulate the lower levels while the lower levels tries really hard not to make responsive sounds. Makes it even hard when you're high.

I was, of course, the repeatative loser. I was pretty good at not making forbidden contacts. But I can't seem to respond any faster. It's the brown stuff I tell you.

In between games we caught up. About an hour before dawn breaks, we had one last game of Hi Harry. Yes Harry. Tell Harry. Gets confusing. Not difficult. But when you've laugh so hard your sides hurt the whole night, and downed cans of beer when you've got the 4th King, and your brain is shutting down because it's lacking oxygen, you just don't realize you make a mistake and have a card added to your collection and in turn, made me the first loser of our last game.

The journey home was tedious because you're freezing from the morning's breeze and you're dying to snuggle into your bed. But all was worth the endurance. It was one of those days I laugh so hard and just be happy. Thanks D. All of yall. For giving me the chance to walk down this memory lane later on in life and laugh again at how retarded we had looked.

Love love!

Emo

Been yawning and stretching non stop since this morning. Not that there isn't any work to do. Just not much. On top of that I'm using the unaccessible-file-cos-B.Boss-has-it-opened excuse to not work. Lazy la.

Princess is turning 21 at the end of the month yay! Wanna plan something big but because I'm so low on budget... There's always plan B ;)

The gurl still hasn't learn to swim. Apparently, Mr F has already given up on her. Last I heard, he tried to drown her. Or so she thought. Ha.

Speaking of air stewarding, puppy and I have had talks about it. I'd like him to come with me, after he finishes his contracts with the military. Servicing definately isn't his forte. If I make the cut for the job, and he doesn't... I don't wanna have to deal with not seeing him for days or possibly even weeks! It's hard enough going through the same thing now for the past year. And on the other hand, if he makes it and I don't... I'd be damn distraught... he's said that he's willing to give it up but I wouldn't wanna hold him back from the perfect chance to seize for the world! Literally!

Tough...

Must get new swimsuit anyway. How's a 2 piece, black tank top and micro/boxer shorts.

Won't be seeing Ramsey for awhile now. Will miss his presence. Although I don't really hang around but the last few days has got quite a surreal feel to it when he visits home.

It really isn't that long a time. She's got her studies to take care of anyway. I pray sister G holds out.

Shut your fucking mouth

I haven't been feeling like this for awhile now...

I knew I shouldn't be home early last night cos I knew he'd be home.

I was in the middle of watching Charmed (Phoebe's high school reunion) adventure when he asked if I could spare half an hour. I could've said no cos I wanna fucking watch the gurls (they just look so good on TV) but my 7th sense is hinting it's got something to do with what I thought it was, and it's urging me...

"... You got a Indian boyfriend ah..." (don't mind the broken English)

Challenging him, I said, yeah...?

Then blah blah blah I got pissed and raised my voice in defense and he got pissed and raised his voice just cos he's a father.

Heres why: My father, has a third-world-generation thinking. For example, Chinese and Indian, big nono. (So much for an example huh)

Basically, what he thinks doesn't matter to me. I hated him for what he did. And I still do. My intention of obliging to his little request was to just let him yak away and phase out since I'll never understand what he's trying to say (I never do. Or just refuse to). But because we got off on the wrong foot, correction, he got off stepping on MY foot, what do I do? How dare he.

How dare he come to me, and INSIST on telling me how he feels. I don't give a shit if it bothers him. I don't give a shit if it makes him uncomfortable. But when he's got nothing else better to back his defenseless statement, of course, left with no choice, so obviously defensively pointed out, that I did what I did because I don't like this family. I snapped. Like, where the fuck did that come from?! So I haven't been home as often as I would like to. Because of you. You've been missing in action for the last 6 years, suddenly, you're home at 8pm almost everyday, gorging on whatever Mom cooked for dinner, and now, you expect me to listen to you ranting your 2-cents worth, and just nod like I always do when I was young and ignorant of the world around me.

Too bad for you, I've grown, and learnt everything I need to know, without your help. In fact I'm glad you weren't around. I would've been the same person I despise now. So I'm not gonna shut up, and just let you talk. You are gonna listen to me.

The argument went on to him blabbering away about the different culture shit and I of course, despising the fact that he is so shallow, took the effort to explain to him that I know what I wanted, to I'm-not-going-out-with-an-Indian-because-I-hate-this-family (I do not hate mom or my sisters) shit, to this-is-my-life-you-don't-know-me-so-stay-the-hell-outta-it.

Finally, he gave up trying to explain whatever the fuck, that he will get someone else to talk to me. Uncle Christbert. I scoffed. I don't hate the guy. But he doesn't know me either.

We argued somemore. Finally I couldn't bear his bullcrap anymore, I commanded him to stop and puhleeease go ahead and let Uncle Chris talk to me instead. Whoever. Listening to him rabble just pisses me off even more.

Bottomline is, he is unhappy. And of course, I refuse to settle with just hearing him out, This is a two way street.

Anyone can advise me with their 2-cents worth, ultimately, the decision is mine to make. I will not stop walking the path I have chosen to walk. I will not be told what to do. I'm a Libran for God's sake. I fight a war with myself in my head enough. Once I've got my mind made up, there's no turning back unless I want to.

After about 3 hours, the "conversation" ended quite peacefully. I've said my piece. I pray to God he's bothered with what I said. I didn't need him talking to me in the first place.

As much as I hate to admit it, the episode with dad did bother me in some ways. I hate confrontations. Especially when I'm not ready. I need to be prepped. But what's happened happened. I've play the conversations back and fro for sometime already. I feel alot better now. I did not regret whatever I said. But what a pity, I've had my chances (telling him I hate him). I'm glad I didn't though. Mom wouldn't be too happy about it.

I wish he'd just lose his voice and shut the hell up for good for snoring that loud you'd feel the rooms vibrating.

I miss Mom... I miss sister S... I miss Puppy...

Sister G's gonna be home soon so I don't miss her that much. Heh.

PMS-ING

I refused to wake when I had to. Resulting panic-strickened me, stepping into freshly laid cement just outside the lift on the ground floor. Speaking of getting out of the wrong side of the bed. FUCK YALL RETARDS! Well, to give em some credits, they told me to be careful just when I was gonna step out. TOO LATE! They also said it's okay. Well... MY SNEAKS AREN'T O.KAY.

My mood wasn't as bad when I stepped into the office, logged into my MSN account, and Jude i.m. me the same thing he ALWAYS FUCKING SAY. "I'm bored." Oh fuck you.

I don't know the retard. We must have chatted on IRC millions of decades ago. That's why he's on my msn list. Wait a minute, I checked, and he isn't on my msn list. So how can he see me? I'm gonna find a way and block him.

Usually, during one of those boring days when the retard's "I'm bored" greeting line doesn't bother me, I'd take some effort, have him entertained, for the sake of my own entertainment. Today is one of those boring days. But with PMS... I tried challenging myself to have this retard entertained.

Me: So tell me something I shouldn't know.
Retard: What kinda things?

ARRRRRRRRRGGHHHHH!!!!! I ALREADY ASKED RIGHT!!!!! Then...

Retard: Busy?
Me: Very.

I wasn't. I was looking for entertainment elsewhere. Retard apologizes (he thought I was busy. stupid.) and I told him it's okay and to go look for entertainment somewhere else.

Retard: are you pissed at me?
Me: Nah. The hell would I be.

I was thinking, Yes. Because you're stupid.

It was only awhile later that I realized I'm PMS-ING. It's not just PMS. Stupidity do frustrates me.

I told Puppy I think I'm PMS-ING. Puppy, of course, being the sweetest thing ever, offered to buy me something to cheer me up. Now, I really do appreciate the thought but I don't want him buying me stuffs to cheer me up. Probably because, firstly, I might be able to cheer up if he just surprise me instead. Secondly, in this state that I am, nothing will be able to lighten my mood up. Except ranting. And because of my second prob, I don't wanna risk having Puppy waste his efforts.

One way to deal with women's PMS is to let her have her way. Men, don't worry. It won't last long. Well at least it won't for me. I'm the loveliest girlfriend anyone could ever have when I'm not PMS-ING.

Okay a buncha cheques just came in. Work!

I hate hormones.